A couple of days ago, I beat the crap out of myself, without catching any warning signs beforehand or really any knowledge I was doing it. If felt like I had my head flatten to the ground and I couldn't get up for nothing. I have always struggled with everyone being better than I. In any way or fashion. And when I read others blogs, it seems to reaffirm that punched up feeling. That I'd-be-better-off-dead-feeling. No energy. No effort. As the gavel pounds again and again on my head. I am my own worst enemy. Later, when I realized what I'd done, I didn't want this worthless feeling to carry on into the next day. I decided to take action.
A found a love for boxing in my mid twenties. I love the art and sport of it. For a long time I didn't understand wanting to be beaten to a pulp, but it is the heart or the sport that caught me. And has carried on to the present with my own punching bag and boxing gloves. So instead of beating the inside of me to mulch, I took it outward with pumping music to release the anger that I was taking out on myself. It worked. I took what I needed and I left the rest. And my day started off feeling empowered. So much better than the last one. Suddenly I had the mental energy and the physical stamina to do more that day than I could think one good thought on the bad one. That was so much more work and more painful. With the whether finally letting up, maybe next time I'll hit on the bag.
How different two days can be. One set up to hurt myself and one to help heal. Seems like a simple choice, but as we all know when it happens, it isn't easy to make the right one.