Thursday, April 10, 2014

And the Gloves Came On

A couple of days ago, I beat the crap out of myself, without catching any warning signs beforehand or really any knowledge I was doing it.  If felt like I had my head flatten to the ground and I couldn't get up for nothing.  I have always struggled with everyone being better than I.  In any way or fashion.  And when I read others blogs, it seems to reaffirm that punched up feeling.  That I'd-be-better-off-dead-feeling.  No energy.  No effort.  As the gavel pounds again and again on my head.  I am my own worst enemy.  Later, when I realized what I'd done, I didn't want this worthless feeling to carry on into the next day.  I decided to take action.

A found a love for boxing in my mid twenties.  I love the art and sport of it.  For a long time I didn't understand wanting to be beaten to a pulp, but it is the heart or the sport that caught me.  And has carried on to the present with my own punching bag and boxing gloves.  So instead of beating the inside of me to mulch, I took it outward with pumping music to release the anger that I was taking out on myself.  It worked.  I took what I needed and I left the rest.  And my day started off feeling empowered.  So much better than the last one.  Suddenly I had the mental energy and the physical stamina to do more that day than I could think one good thought on the bad one.  That was so much more work and more painful.  With the whether finally letting up, maybe next time I'll hit on the bag.

How different two days can be.  One set up to hurt myself and one to help heal.  Seems like a simple choice, but as we all know when it happens, it isn't easy to make the right one.


Monday, April 7, 2014

This is how I feel.

I read a post on Facebook that stated something close to this:

I've been stabbed so many times 
that when someone handed me a flower
It took some time to figure out what it was.

It just made complete and utter sense.  Someone finally got it and I wasn't alone and I understood.  And someone understood and knew what that felt like.  And that the damage that was done was so bad, that it took time to recognize what a flower was.  Like messing with your mind and senses.  This is how I feel.  

Friday, April 4, 2014

Fuck em

I haven't been writing hardly at all for the last two years.  Either here are anywhere else.  And now I feel back up with all these thoughts and emotions that are all jammed together.  See, I think my abusers might be reading my blog.  And it has been difficult to write.  But as you can tell, I haven't quit yet.  I am not going to let their old fears run my life.  I didn't come this far to be beaten down by them again.  Whether it's just a fear or whether they are really reading.  Fuck em!

Now to carry on...

I've got so many issues that I'm not feeling out and getting out of my head on paper that I've caught myself in my own vortex.  Nothing drastic or harmful, just more of a depression and apathy I'm really struggling with.

Here are some of them:

meds and my weight
depression/apathy/not feeling
losing my manias
PTSD and trying to understand it
struggles with physical and mental energy

Just to name a few.  And that's not mentioning the major life change that happen in our family about a month ago.

So now that I've mentioned my fears, it is time to face them.  One post at a time.  :) 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Fear of Manias

I'm terrified of manias in general.  They used to be so much fun, but they always turn ugly.  I do everything in my power to keep my anxiety under control.  This also helps the PTSD as it too runs on anxiety.  While there are days I wish I wasn't so stable and boring, it is better than exploding into a full on mania. 

The last major one I had two years ago did me in and made me see things that I had never seen.  Being at home when I should have been in the hospital gave me a completely different perspective and the fear I was placing on others.  Even my dogs were scared of me and I couldn't understand why.  I bawled and bawled when I realized how bad I had gotten.   I was just so out there, I couldn't see anything except every feeling of bursting to the moon.  I thought everyone was in on the game and fun, now as I reflect back, I see how scary I was.   I have no desire to go there again.

Have you found yourself in fear of manias?  Or having a love/hate relationship with them?  I did that for a long time.  A long time because my depression were so long and so low and I couldn't go anywhere but up, up, up.

Now I'm just plain scared.  A healthy fear, like not sticking my hand in the fire.  Trying to do the right things to take care of myself.  Doesn't make it any easier.  Sometimes I just miss being happy.     

Friday, February 14, 2014

The Face My Fears Year

Thank you for your prayers.  I'm doing much better today.  Fear is the by far my biggest problem.  It wraps like a coil around me and tries to squeeze the life out of me.  So I've deemed this year as "Face My Fears Year."  I have to or I'm never going to be able to push myself forward.  So far today I face about four fears.  Two were rather large, the others were smaller. 

One of the larger ones involved a project I have to do for somebody.  It is daunting.  So I wrote down all of my fears about it, then made a list of the positive.  By far the fears outweighed the positives, but I know in truth the positives, even if there was only one, are greater than all the fears.  And I was able to put it down and let go. 

The other large one involves a project my husband and I are venturing on.  I thought I did pretty good, even though my panic built up while we were working on it.  I found myself getting sarcastic and critical and sharp as a reflex to the panic that was building.  But I faced it, went through it the best I could and when it was over I was able to relax and reward myself.  Lots of work needs to done in this area.  When panic starts I want to fight.  Or run.  And for facing this fear, I wanted to fight and I did with words.  Not too cool, but understandable.  Hopefully the next time we work on this project I will have better insight to help me through.

One of the smaller fears involved a phone call that I'd been debating about to volunteer at the local school in a program I was involved with a couple of years ago.  I dialed the school number, listened to the recording and hung up.  Thought about it for a few minutes and called back.  Turns out the program no longer exist, which I kind of figured anyways, but still there was some relief.  I didn't have to make a decision, it was made for me.

And last but not least, I did something that I did not want to do that had to be done.  And I had to nurture myself through it.  Which wasn't easy.  MY way is to beat and criticize myself because I didn't want to do something.  This time, I took care of that inner child and helped her through.  2 points for me!!

What did I learn?
That the actual hardest fear to face was the last one.  It was so hard not to tear myself apart.  And it also meant going slower mentally and physically in order to nurture and support myself.

The project with my husband is a deep seeded panic that I have when we are trying to plan our future.  So it was up there in the difficulty level.  But was easier to take in with my husband there, I just couldn't seem to get rid of that panicky feeling and he got the brunt of it.

All steps towards loving myself.  And I don't think I did too bad for today.  ☺ 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Need prayers, please

Spring is my worse season and because of the stressors that are happening in our life right now, my brain is reacting like it is spring.  My thoughts and emotions are all over the place.  My mood is either flat, anxious, or low and fluxing from one to the next rather dramatically.  I have been dissociating like crazy because I am going through triggers that are setting off alarms of fear all through my head.  And I can't seem to get a grip on it.  I'm shifting through denial and reality while having nightmares and thoughts about the past.    My husband and I are going through a major life change that basically has changed our lives.  An upheaval that neither of us saw coming and we are both struggling through it.

It is scary and raw life happening before our eyes.  While my husband pushes forward through, I withdrawal.  And I think I've pulled in too far.  My faith is weary.  It takes all my energy just to get through the day.  I just can't seem to pull myself together.  It's like I've never known how to even do it. Just writing this is a start.     

Friday, January 24, 2014

Walking with me, myself and I

Usually, for many reasons, I don't walk without a dog pulling me along.  Fear mostly.  Fear of looking stupid.  Fear of being laughed at.  Fear of being seen.  The dogs are a good distraction for me when I'm walking to focus on them.  Like I have an excuse to be walking and existing in that moment. 

But today, it was too cold for the dogs to be out for any length of time and my cabin fever has been building up due to the frigid temps, so I bit the bullet and took a walk by myself.  It was liberating and interesting all at the same time.  Being so cold, I didn't have to worry about anyone else being out and about.  Nor did I have to worry about dogs running up to like I do when I have a dog with me.  I was able to let my mind wander and let go.  It was nice.  It was also nice for my body not getting jerked around or have to walk at an insane pace when I'm with a dog.  I can't believe how hard my dogs are on my body because they are so poorly trained.  It hurts.  So it was a nice little blessing to myself and I enjoyed it.  The cold didn't even bother me.  In fact it made me remember why I've always liked it.

I took a walk to the tanner last week, but it wasn't so pleasant.  All I could think about was basically how much I hated myself.  Thought after thought I cut myself up and down thinking everything I do is stupid, including going to the tanner, which I do for the light during the winter.  I haven't done it in a couple of years and thought with the dismal gloom and doom we'd been having a little extra sunshine might help.  I don't go for many minutes and I might go every couple of weeks, if that.  And it felt good and it helped.

Since I didn't have a dog with me for the that trip, I was very in tune to how I feeling and exactly what I was thinking.  Without a dog to "hide behind" I was left with myself.  And I realized I'd been having the same thoughts about my self hate even when I have a dog with me, making it difficult to focus and enjoy my time with the dogs.  This isn't anything new as far as my thoughts against myself throughout the day, but they really stood out when I was walking without a dog.

So today was a nice treat.  Like cleansing of the brain.  And it felt good to be with myself and enjoy my own company.  Something I'd like to do more often.

It was a good start.