I honestly don't know how how to let myself be happy. For years I've been waited for the bottom to fall out and it always did without fail.
Today I keep waiting and waiting for the same thing and it really hasn't, although there have been many times it sure felt like it. Thus proving my point that the bottom is always going to fall out and life will always be a miserable struggle.
It was then that I realized that I didn't know how to be happy. That I don't know how to let myself be happy.
It has not been an easy road. It is hard for me to smile at someone just in passing, whether I know them or not. This simple gesture of being seen when I've been so invisible for so long.
It is so hard to believe I am alive and that I am alright.
And then there is always the case of "too much happiness" and we all know where that leads when you are bipolar. MANIA! And I have a healthy fear of them, so I tend to dumb down my happiness or excitement about life. Don't want to go flying off the handle and shooting for the moon!
I'm sure this fear plays a big part. I don't want to go where I was practically off meds and climbing the ceiling.
Have I robbed myself the sheer joy of living and feeling good because of my fear of going into a
When I didn't think it could get any worse during my childhood abuse, it did. And when I didn't think it
could get worse than even that, it did. It's been a constant pattern. I have fear everything that there is to fear and then some. And a lot of it did happen.
And I wonder why it is so hard to get out of. To just be able to let go. Live in the Moment and for once forget the bad. I have been able to do it before. Now I'd like to find a way to hold on to the happiness. And really hang on to who I am and be proud of me. That is my dream. To be who I really am, as much of the time as possible.
I would like to be free.