Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sinking in Exhaustion

Bipolar disorder gives everything I do and feel a different extreme. For example: Today I had a physically active day, especially after sledding 2 dogs together, for there are parts through the ride that I must run with them instead of actually riding the sled because they are still in training. I came home after that (along with having playtime with dogs and exercising) and I was exhausted. After all this activity, I should feel great with all of my accomplishments, a tired but good feeling. With manic depression I feel crushed, physically and mentally. I feel like the weight of the world has fallen on my head and I can't get out from under it. It is very debilitating.

It took everything I had to exercise this morning, to actually do it, and I did feel great after. Then I had to summon all my energy to play with the dogs. I also felt great after that, though I could feel the balance start to shift. Dog sledding can be a very physical event, even if your dogs are trained and you can ride on the sled the whole time, which mine are not. I ran almost half of the way back. The scale broke. It was so traumatic on my body and mind that I could hardly move for 2 hours after. My brain feels like it is in vice and my thoughts are flatten. Limply they lay as if there has been a massacre. Sleep evades me and will do no good and I am stuck in shock, poking at each thought with a stick, praying this isn't the end of them. Or of me. My body is heavy from my lifeless thoughts as I try to find the courage to continue on. But with what? What do I really have from here? All I want is to curl into a ball and spiral into oblivion. Isn't that where this is all headed anyways? For how many times have I been here? How many more times will I go? Frozen in this blackness, I hold on tight as the fear begins to surround me. How long will this last? What happened to yesterday? What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me?

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