Sunday, April 11, 2010

Embracing "The Cave"

When I first painted the "cave," (post: painting leads to new beginning) I began to understand what it was and what it meant. As I studied further I began to feel it-all of it. Suddenly I understood too much all at once. I wanted to purge all those feelings of sadness, anger, and self-hate. I wanted to find a way to cut it out of me and remove it. The cave represents and holds all the feelings of every bad thing that has happened to me.

The last few days I began seeing the healing power in the cave and I began to embrace it. Those feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, and self-hatred that have been buried and locked in my childhood. I've seen the power in the cave that survived horrendous pain and have begun to honor that determination. It is that fuel that got me to where I am today. The cave has been separated from my mind and I could never fully look at it, when it's the part that will set me free. That driving force I have been missing for so many years-I found it.

There is still more healing to take place. These are strong emotions that are not going to dissipate just because I have taken them in. I want to learn to listen to them, know the source, and help myself heal. I want to learn how to harness the energy without damaging it further. Learning how to validate myself and grow from it. This has brought a tremendous amount of peace and understanding. Another step forward.

Life is mysterious and awesome. Embrace it.

1 comment:

The Rainbow Dreaming said...

When I suffered from most likely my second major depression episode in early 2007, I stayed in my bedroom for 4 weeks, then ventured out to the rest of the house. I was off work for 4 months. I use to call my bed "the cave" back then.