Friday, April 16, 2010


Fear has ruled my life and with good reason. Survival. It is the main component of my being and for every thought and action I take or don't take. For years I was immune to the tension coiled in every muscle and compressing my brain. I don't know that I've ever been 100% relaxed. There is always a muscle slowly contracting that I'm unaware of until it hurts. My shoulder blades are gripping me now as I type and my right calf is clenching together on and off. It has become such a way of life that I have never known any different.

My husband is constantly trying to crack my code to get me to at least smile. It's like getting an Olympic gold medal if he can get me laughing. So you can get a taste of what his life is like. Thank God he loves me. :)

I was telling him about this on and off tension (maybe it's meds?) when he reminded me how tense I am all time and my FEAR (key word). (Slapping my forehead) I had completely forgotten it existed due to the fact it is so ingrain in my being. The thought that fear was a separate feeling, was like a completely new concept. (Light bulb goes off) I've been dragged by this crazy horse for so long to survive, I didn't know there was an option of letting go of the reins. Hell, at this point I think I caught up and passed the darn horse and I'm still running. Jeez...where in the world was I going??

I've practically come to stand still with everything I have ever done or wanted to do. Things I have never had a problem with, all of the sudden became utterly impossible. I have practically become frozen in fear, locking me down tight.

Talk about have an epiphany! Just the idea that fear is it's own feeling is enough to blow the roof off my cave of darkness. That would be a good start. Another key to unlocking myself from this cage.

Well, I know it won't be an easy climb, but I'm going to keep trudging this mountain of freedom. Each step to facing my fears will be one step closer to losing them. Better get my hiking boots, I hear the terrain is quite rocky.


Mart the Fart said...

Yep, get them boots on and we'll get there side by side, you and me. You husband sound like a really great bloke, just like me! I'm sure there must be exercises you can do to alleviate the muscle spasms, but that's easier said than done, but please try.

Keep on trucking. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

Well Mart, you'd better lace up! I could use an extra hand. Wait a minute...isn't that what we've been doing all along?? :) HUGS