Monday, April 19, 2010

I made it through the rain...

I don't know the specific diagnosis for my bipolar, but I have always been more depressed than manic. My depression consistently spiral downward, though I never knew it had a name until my late teens. I'd been suicidal for about as long, yet I was terrified of death. I was really looking for a way out, a reason to live. I couldn't really tell you what I held on to at the time, but somehow I found enough to get me through.

Manias as a teen were more like extreme happy times, like I was drunk. They didn't turn into full blown episodes until my early 20's. My drug use perpetuated my symptoms unset. Though unusually between late teens and 20's is when full scale symptoms occur for bipolar. They can be different for everyone, but this is considered average.

So having struggled with depression for more of my life than manias and to be off an anti-depressant for a year and a half, is absolutely mind blowing. Today marks 9 years since I was last hospitalized, an astounding record for me. Today is also my 11 years anniversary for being clean and sober. The past three weeks I've been more stable than I have in the past during this spring season. I have been taking my meds on a regular basis for 7 months with only one major screw up. I began taking my vitamins on a regular basis again, another important part of my mental and physical health. I know I'm repeating from an earlier post, but I write this in total awe of myself and how far I have come. How my decision to accept and believe my disorder exist and begin to really take care of it two years ago is starting to pay off in the long term.

For the past three weeks, my moods and emotions are in check and feel more balanced than I could imagine possible. I never thought this could actually happen. I never knew what it could actually mean. My emotions are actually proportioned properly to circumstances and events. If they start to get off track, I can take a second and logically think through to grab some patience and continue on. This is definitely the longest I have ever went without some massive swing or even spikes and drops within a stable period. I'm just starting to realize what being stable actually means and can be. For years I've swung from the extremes of mania and depression and to be right smack in the middle without jumping even for a minute one way or the other...I don't know how to really express the feeling. It's like always riding on a derailed train and finally getting on the track for the first time. Could it really be this easy?

Is it any wonder that I began to think if I really was bipolar anymore?? (post: Head in the Clouds) This is the strangest phenomenon I have ever had. Is this what they call a level head?? So far it has been a exciting and strange experience, but I think I could used to it. :) It's like suddenly having your dream come true. It sure took a whole lot of work, love, and fighting through myself, but it was worth it. One step at a time, I made it through.

1 comment:

Mart the Fart said...

Midnight, this is fantastic news and you must be really on a high to be clean for so long. To feel that you're positive and know that you are on your way forward must be exhilerating and yet, as you point out, a little unnerving. Is it true, will it last? Well yes it wil last because you've come so far and made so much incredible progress. I'm really proud of you and it's terrific and mind blowing to know someone as determined, powerful and as beautiful as you. You've made it, keep the faith. Billions of hugs n kisses. Mart.