I connected with the cave yesterday. Like touching a pool of water it sent ripples across my soul. I was in touch with the deepest, darkest most painful part of me that helped me survive.
Then it dawned on me...the cave is my depression. This is what my depression looks like. A far cry from this vacant, dead thing in my mind. It is ALIVE. It churns and swirls like a fire in my belly. This is what it looks like under the black cap. It breathes with a life all it's own. It believes and knows the pain within, for it is that pain. Screaming with life. Hanging on with all it's might. Protecting me at any cost to survive. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never letting go. Realizing that the pain that I endured I must inflict upon myself in order to survive. How much did I really endure? The amazing resilience to live. To find a way. To never let them win. To really, truly suffer and still bounce back to life, time and time again. It is truly mind boggling. What the heart, mind and body will do to live. What ever it takes. A primal instinct instilled for survival and the right to live.
My paintings are all pulled out of this pool of energy. Giving me that needed connection of life and the reality within. The vibrant colors, energy, and the mixing and blending of each, gives the meaning to the purpose. When I paint I touch the potential that exist and the vigor to create it. Suddenly it all makes sense.
The energy I united with last night lasted until early this evening. I was baffled at first as I felt the old familiar weights pulling me down. It was then I realized the black cap was back on the cave and the black void of depression and sadness began to cover me like a fog. Again, I was forced with the knowledge that it takes time to heal and I still had a long way to go. With each piece of healing, I begin to think I may be done, until I find it isn't over. I trust myself and my faith to know the black cap will open again and again, when it is ready. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle a lifetime of trauma all at once, as I didn't happen to me all at once. And so I grieve. The little bit of energy I did experience was overwhelming enough as I connected with myself. Baby steps. It all comes down to baby steps.