Thursday, May 20, 2010

Down in a Hole

A song by Alice in Chains called "Down In A Hole" has been circling my head since getting the CD a few days ago. This is where I'm hiding. I've been all over the map today, emotionally scattered. Like a rubber ball is bouncing in my brain tripping off each emotion one after the other with no easy transition.

A call from an abused wife who's still in denial, make me anxious and sick to my stomach. I help her out with yard work and such, from time to time. The whole situation is utterly repulsive and triggers off my past rather quickly. It is sickening what humans do to others. I had a hard time focusing on things I needed to get done before going over there. Her call alone wiped me out.

Then I candled my duck egg to check on progress. I'm concerned. Everything looks good, but it's development is slower than the books say. So that sent me into a frenzy of trying to find more info. After visiting my friend this frantic search took me into the early evening hours. Worry, worry, worry.

Evening are my concentrated time with the dogs. This is when I sink. This is when I used to walk the dogs and my pitted belief that dogs need to be walked everyday. An anchored belief that comes from my mother and I'm obsessed with it everyday. Now it bashes me every evening making me incapable of doing it. Failure. Failure. Failure. As if I could go straight to hell if I don't. It encases me in it's grip most days and I believe it. It is like being wrapped in an octopus and never being able to be free from it. It destroys the playtime I do spend with the dogs, because it never measures up to a walk. If I do walk them, it is a miserable experience. It has a death grip on me that I haven't figured out how to break free from.

Then I went to use the weed trimmer, it worked great until I had to change the string and wouldn't start again. I felt like throwing it. This triggers off where we were financially and where we are now. Everything is crap. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. I walk over to our little pet memorial and begin to pull the grass and weeds by hand. It gave me a center. It gave me a purpose. There have been many days, this one included that I wanted to throw this crappy house away and I know I can't because of my lost pets that are here. Somehow, everything made sense again. I stopped worrying about the duck. He's going to be OK. The weed trimming could be done after hubby looks at machine. Nothing I can do about my friends situation, then what I'm doing. Then I was able to play with the dogs and find some peace. Real meaning. True unconditional love that my past tries with all its might to destroy, but still can not. It still can not completely get me. I will never let it. Whether I hide in my dug hole or it tries to beat me in it, it will never get me. My past will never win.


L said...

You sound like me...I'll never let my past win either. On bad days, my abusers represent my past. And I can picture them in my mind. That's what I say to them too..."you'll never win". Interesting how those weeds and your urge to pull them out gave you a centre and purpose. Because the past can sometimes be likened to weeds: unwanted overgrowth that ruin a beautiful garden bed. That no matter how much you try to get rid of, they keep coming back. And to maintain the beauty of your garden, you've got to keep the weeds out. If there's one positive thing to walk away from a history of abuse, its resilience. As evident here. Well done Midnight. You didn't let them win...and fought back. Because you're worth it. Hugs my friend. xox

Donda said...

L, that was a great analogy! Midnight, give yourself permission to not be such a "good friend". I think it is OK to tell the friend that you are sorry about her situation but you can't get invested in the situation when your chemistry is running hot. It is a sad situation that she is in but there must be someone that is "level" that can be her support right now. Getting involved in "sick" situations keeps you "sick". Or that is what has happened in my experience. Hope things get better for you fast!

midnight rainbow said...

L-you are so right. There is nothing better even if it is only for a minute standing up to past. I've lost more than a few battles, but I am winning the war. I hadn't really thought of the weeds as my past, it just felt good to rip them right out of the ground. lol And looking back that exactly what I was doing. Ripping the past right out of my head!

Donda-I guess I should have clarified that I actually do work for this friend every so often. She's an older lady that I have cared for when she had surgeries. I agree with you about being involved with sickness begats more, but I'm drawn to her. Not to save her but to really be a real friend to her. I don't know how to explain it. It's like witnessing what could've been my life and a reminder of what I really have and how much I have. I might only see her once a month to work for her and sometimes I think she finds things for me to do so she can see me. All hope is lost for her really, she knows it and so does everyone else, but I want to give her something. I can handle a flare up of ill feelings, because I can walk away from the situation. I don't have to live it. Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it.