I have been dangling by a thread most of my life. I heard this song, "Life on the Edge" by Eli the summer before I met my husband. I was belting it out to God for help. I have been unable to get a copy of it, but after 11 years and the miracle of the Internet, I found this video. This song resonated everything about my life. Everything I'd ever been through from my past to my disorder to dealing with the present day. I struggle every day with something, like we all do. Relief comes only to be replaced with another hurdle, another barrier, another wall to surmount. Falling to the bottom of the hill and having to climb up it again. And again. And again. These are the battles we all face in life and it is nice to know someone is fighting and feeling the same pain. To not be alone. Isn't that why we blog? To connect with another human willing to share their scars and needs bandaging for their fresh wounds. To understand and be heard. Isn't that what every human wants?
The last verse is my favorite. One line from it and one from the last chorus are the ones the really get me:
"The future won't be easy, but neither was my past." -Eli, "Life on the Edge"
"Yes, I'm meant for more than this" -Eli, "Life on the Edge"
Those two lines grip me. It's the truth and I believe it. Simple, to point, yet powerful. Just like that I'm back in control again. Choosing how I want to live, who I want to be, and believing in myself. If I try to capture how everything used to be, I will never move forward. Things change, life changes and I don't know about anyone else but this is one scary ride. Everything is new to me, I have nothing to compare it to. Nothing. I'm building everything from square one and I'm still trying to find the blocks to do it. It is exciting too, creating myself to be who I want, not what I was in my past. I'm just looking for answers like everyone else and I've got a zillion questions. It's also scary moving forward and having no map, or directions, like feeling around in the dark of a rearranged room. Some how, some way I keep moving. No matter how many times I bash my head, I'll turn around eventually. It's like when I walk the dogs, (or should I say when they walk me, lol) they always keep me moving forward and I just keep following them. Doesn't matter that I'd like to start out at a leisurely stroll to warm up, they have decided already that we are doing a 40 mile/hour power walk. I'm still never quite ready for that first bolt out the door, yet I've come to rely on it. To keep me going, to keep me focused, to push myself to all those uncomfortable places I would never go on my own because I need it. Like a swift kick in the ass, they force me to do what I normally wouldn't if I didn't have them pulling me along. It brings about a perfect harmony. I can finally let go.