Thursday, June 10, 2010

Creating

Words were definitive and hard for me yesterday. They are so black and white and were too concrete for me to express anything. The day had been difficult for me on many levels and I struggle all day with situations that were finite. I had to get out of my box I was crammed in, so I pulled out the paints.


It was midnight, I was exhausted and nothing felt right. The music wasn't working and after two failed attempts, I was not connecting and was ready to give up.


I have only painted two paintings that I envisioned. I have never been able to do it again. I came to my canvas with an idea in mind, that was the problem. I scrap all the paint off, let go, set the music, and started with my first feeling. Blue for sadness. Then lead to red, for blood which meant life. Then white for God. When I added yellow, I connected.


When I let go of my ideas and any preconceived notions as to the how to's, the picture basically paints itself. Shapes and textures began to take form and I can see what I'm connecting to. I can see what it is inside of me that is that is trying to free itself. Like a butterfly from a cocoon. It is a visual of myself that I can not always see. It is a piece of my soul, in color, that I am tapping into and it guides me.


The finish product never compares to the actually experience of painting it. In the throws of creation it moves, it grows, it changes, it is alive. I revel in the beauty of the colors, the awe of creation and I never know how I actually do it. The strength, the belief, becoming who I am. Then as the moment fades and it begins to dry, it comes to end and all is still. Very still.


This morning I woke up and wanted to bust it up. I have been so angry lately at things I can not change. It looked childish and weak and it only has meaning to me. Which is exactly what I thinking of myself and I wanted to be rid of it. I could never do it, but I will put it away until I am able not to see the hate inside.


It is all part of my healing process and every one of them has been unique. It is painful for me to look at this painting and is a huge emotional risk to show you. But like ripping of a band-aid, I just need to do it. Thanks for sharing in my experience.

Edit: painting was removed by author.

4 comments:

Donda said...

I think that painting is pretty cool!! I have only tried to paint once....I can always envision it but it never comes across on paper...guess that is the lack of talent. My creativity usually comes in waves of quick witted humor.

L said...

Hi Midnight...I like you painting. I found doing any form of art very therapeutic, especially when I couldn't write my feelings out. Its also very relaxing.

Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight, your painting certainly shos how you were feeling at the time. The tight colourful circles and changes of colour from dark to bright light are a wonderful expression. I'm with you on this one.

My therapist once told me that colourful pictures demonstrate a thoughtful and clever mind wheras black & white would lean toward distress. Means nothing to me. Love the art work because it's you. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

Donda, You definitely have a gift for quick witted, classy smart humor. Thank you for appreciating my painting as I appreciate your humor.

L-I agree, it is an in-the-moment thing doing artwork. Since it is also therapy for me, it can be painful also.

Mart, I love your comment, because it came from you.