Saturday, July 3, 2010

The blending

I used to be able to define my bipolar symptoms, what they were like and how they were effecting me.  My childhood past used to be of the same nature separate from my bipolar issues and I was able to give you a concrete feeling or memory in how it was related.  The same goes for the present.  They were 3 separate entities within me and maybe sometimes they were overlap a little, but there was a clear definition between the three of them. 

Once I became aware that my bipolar issues stemmed from my childhood issues, they seemed to blur together and I'm still confused as to what they mean.  It is like having 3 separate elements that when blended together make water and how do you separate water?  It isn't possible, but I keep trying.  I keep trying to make sense of what I'm feeling and why and there is a part of me that would like to go back to the time when I did know. 

I do know it a large progression in healing.  It is actually monumental, but it is so confusing to understand because it is so different and I have yet to get used to it.  It is like being normal or something like it and I've NEVER  been that.  I have always been the freak who never fit in anywhere.  And now I don't know what to think.  It also leaves a lot of space in my head and time on my hands that I'm struggling to fill and occupy.  I was always dealing with either my bipolar, my childhood or the present, bouncing back and forth between the three.  I'm a worrier.  It is hard for me not to worry, even harder when there's nothing to worry about.  My life hasn't been right unless my brain is spinning on something.  I'm starting to feel like a fraud doing a bipolar blog, without having the extremes that have been my life.  Things feel like they are in neutral and I'm just coasting to where, I don't know.  I just keep holding my breath waiting for the bottom to fall out like it always does.  That's what I've known.  Could it really be different now?

All of my symptoms have calmed, though I still deal with anxiety, worry, stress and anger almost daily.  I think I'm actually angry that the core of my childhood memories have been revealed.  I don't know if I'm more angry that it's over and after 20 years of trying to heal, that's it.  Or if now that it is all over I'm angry at knowing the whole story and reeling from all that happened.  This has been like a job for me and I just got fired from it.  Now what do I do?  It was all I knew forever and ever and to have it just all fall out of my lap and be done???  What am I suppose to do now???  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm going to keep muddling through all this.  It just all very, very new to me and very strange.  I hope I can find the peace and learn to accept it. 


Donda said...

Trying to explain to my therapist that my feelings were separate from my thoughts she asked, "does your feelings come first then your thoughts or do your thought cause the feelings?" My answer is my feelings always come first and they make me think about things, not the other way around. I can wake up depressed or super duper happy and it has nothing to do with anything. So I guess my point is that you when are feeling down don't let your feelings make your brain start thinking. Does that make sense?

midnight rainbow said...

yes it does Donda. My feelings are almost alwasy based on my thoughts or sometimes for no reason at all. But my thinking always catches up with me and that's my real battle. Thanks for the insight. Peace.