Friday, July 9, 2010

Breaking the Cycle of Depression

Today's choices

I have really been trying hard to break my depression as it comes through the day.  Mornings are the pits for me.  They are my worse part of the day.  I am an avid night owl and have been for as long as I can remember.  I dread ever having to get out of bed, even during manias, that is if I've gotten any sleep going through one.  I am always drowsy from my night meds, not enough sleep or both and I tend to nod on and off for the first half hour or hour.  When I finally come to some sense of consciousness, I would rather crawl back in bed, anything not to deal with the whole empty day in front of me.  This is when depression begins to get a grip on my brain.  Feeling empty and lonely and the thought of moving is immobilizing.

Eventually, I feed the dogs, as I try to keep them on a regular schedule.  Task #1 complete.  Now what?  Thoughts and wants become heavy.  Either with things I must do or those I haven't decided yet.  My brain is thick, like stirring a pot of  wet cement soup, trying to find the magic that will lift me to function.

My key lately and in the past is music.  Where ever I am at emotionally, I find a song that fits and build from there.  Eventually I feel my mood lift or at least change to a point that I begin my day.  Sometimes it just works.  Each song laying a piece of the foundation for stable ground that can hold my heavy thoughts.  This way I have footing to pick them up and throw them into the wind.  It is really nice when it works out that way, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it is a push and pull fight in my head and trying to find the "right" song can be infuriating.  When I can't find what I'm looking for, like today, I turn off the stereo and started my day anyways.  This was more of a springboard action and I vault into my day.  It still helped in my depression because I was angry and it tapped into that anger instead of shoving down into depression.  It helped me find the real reason I was angry.  A long standing fight I've had with God that I'm starting to come to terms with and understand.  At least for tonight I've made peace with it. 

I have been working diligently on breaking my depressive cycle.  It is still a trial and error operation, but it is a work in progress and that's more than I could say before.                

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