Monday, August 9, 2010
Tidbits of summer
I know for many summer is far from over, but here August is the last of it. I saw trees already starting to turn colors, if that gives you any idea.
I am still in a state of awe that my childhood issues are wrapped up and my bipolar symptoms leveled out. I still feel like I am on a different planet sometimes. After so many years of torment from both, it has been very different and strange and wonderful and scary all at the same time. It has been like experiencing fresh, soft, green grass on my bare feet for the first time, when all I've ever walked on is nails. How do you describe that sort of feeling? I know that it feels so good, I'm almost afraid to move because there's no way that the next step could be as good. When I find it is usually better.
Every spring I have had what I call, "spring sensations," which consist of an extreme mania and physical and mental memories from my past. Both are quite extreme and both are equally as painful. This was the first spring I didn't experience them. This summer was the first I had very mild cases of it. One of the main sensations is this feeling of everything being out of place, as if the world rearranged itself. These "summer sensations" were happening as I experience this world new world from a completely different mental vantage point. There was more than once that I felt lost and confused. It was the dogs, my home, and talking to my husband that kept me grounded. And lots of prayers. Parts of my day were "normal," other parts were just strange and unusual. It is the longevity of being mentally stable that throws me for my biggest loop. I have never had more than a day or two, of what I would consider being stable. This has been a couple of months. That's a huge record.
My grief comes and goes. Something else that is new. I have taken time out of my day to just grieve and then will carry on. Before it would hit me like an anchor and sink me to the bottom. Today I took a couple different times out of my day to pay tribute and was able to let go. So much different than plummeting into the pain and sorrow that would normally hold me for days or even weeks. Today was simple and made for a productive day.
It has been such a journey and some day I hope to put all down in words. When the time is right, I will.