Wednesday, September 15, 2010

in the Still

When I am manic, I am invincible.  The world works in my favor.  Everything seems to be going my way.  When I am depressed I slump in a dark place where the world is pitted and working against me.  Manias are like being on top of a mountain and being able to skydive off with no parachute and soar with the wind.  Depression is the reality when I crash from that fall and everything is broken.  Manias are hearing the angels sing and the words of Heaven speaking to me and through me.  Symphonies are conducted in my head with never a note to land on paper.  Depression is a hollow void sucking me in.  Manias are like a million great ideas racing through my head and not being able to hold on to one.  Depression is suffocating under the weight of every wrong idea that has entered my mind.  During a mania I feel like my senses are extraordinary and heightened.  Every sensory cell electrified and magnified.  In depression my senses are deaden and are frozen numb.  When I am manic I become an extrovert.  I become perceptive and open to the other people.  When I am depressed I am withdrawn, bitter and miserable.  I avoid people.  In a mania I become anxious and highly agitated.  During depression I become sad and angry.

This constant rise and plummet wrecks havoc on my emotions, mental state and physical body.  It is like having a shot of adrenaline and running into a bus.  Over and over.  There are parts I love about it, but there are many parts I don't.  I am always grappling with one side or the other.  The constant see-sawing damages my emotional state, twisting my mind into not knowing what is real and what isn't, while tearing my body apart by the constant surges of energy that unexpectedly come to an abrupt halt.  Sometimes I never really know if I am coming or going.

Then there are those reprieves.  Those moments when I am balancing on the teeter-tauter and my mind will be amazingly still.   There is a harmony within me that resonates and my mind is poised.  I feel the equilibrium in my mind restored and centered.  It is in this precious gift when all the chattered and heaviness has lifted, that I find myself with a smile.  Laughing.  Understanding.  And believing once again.  The path I follow is as harsh as it is beautiful, but it is in these precious moments of calm that I can truly love myself for who I am and know it was all worth it.            

1 comment:

Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight.

I have to agree with all your feelings of ups and downs. Especially the invincible part when you're on a high and that wonderful feeling of power.

Unfortunately the fall can arrive quickly and we're down again. You, however, can recognise the pleasure of being invincible so I hope you can build on this and make each powerful moment last longer and longer. I know you can do it because you're special and if you can do then so can I.

Keep pushing. Mart