Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cat nap for my mind today

This is my cat, Boxer. He finds the strangest places and positions to stretch out in. This is about how I feel today. After a very intense week, today I just need to stretch my mind and give it a much needed cat nap.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

More baby steps

Out of my three steps forward, today was my step back. My mania was fantastic. For once I wasn't paranoid and delusional because they had been diffused in the last few weeks. I handled my minor slips of depression and anxiety that were in the middle of it. I actually recognized what it was and where I was before digging any deeper and calling for help. Usually I dig a tunnel down to the pit, where no one can reach me and I will have to battle myself to get out. It is the first time I can actually say I was aware of what was happening and that it really didn't have to do with all the stuff I thought put me there. It was me feeling less than and not having the right to exist as I have been programmed to be. A fight I fight every day and that I am starting to win.

Today though was something I have yet to conquer. It is something I do not become aware of until after the fact. It is what I call the backside of mania. The high levels of irritation and agitation that will rage, put me in a hyper manic state I have yet learned to control. My whole body will tremble, inside and out, like I'm on speed or cocaine. It like somebody is frantically shaking me and I have tunnel vision that hones in on my mission. It slowly builds all day, and though there isn't really any anger, I explode instantly when there is a snag in my progress. We watch a show called, "Legend of the Seeker" and there is a wizard who just by raising his hands can throw the enemies back with a great force. That's what I feel like doing as it feels everything is in my way. I want to clear out everything. I never hurt anyone, but the dogs have learned to stay out of my way when I'm in this state of mind. There is a great sense of power and control, when all I am doing is trying to accomplish my mission. There is no reasoning or helping me nor do I want it. This mission was so important my focus is locked like a laser beam. Time eludes me.

Time is also the reason for the intense panic that is building. It becomes life and death. Time is a trigger and it is always running out. Time is something I should have never been given to breathe. Time can take that breath away. The clock is always ticking to live or die. I only have one choice. What is it going to be? I chose to live and I paid the price for that choice.

The time delusion. This is what sets me into the highest state of fear. Just by writing this post I have found the deeper meaning of that fear. I am alive. I am really here and it was all worth it.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

My mania flattens

My mania turned into anxiety over a dispute between the street and our neighbor that somehow we are in the middle in. My anxiety skyrocketed. All I could think was, I've got to get out of here. My whole body and mind were shaking and overheated. I wanted to jump out of my skin. My husband and I were helping a friend put in his docks, so I got there as quickly as possible. By the time I was out of town, I started to relax and breathe again. The lake was beautiful, the water cool and inviting. I was back in my skin again. The whole process went smoothly, when we were invited over to the neighbors to say hello. I could feel myself retreat. They're good people, brand new log cabin, wonderful, friendly dogs, and are always friendly. I was uncomfortable. I was crawling around inside myself trying to find a place to hide. Just when I think we're out the door, the conversation continues. On the ride home, I completely deflate. Flat as a pancake. The life is just sucked out of me. Their life seemed so perfect and full and easy. Ours is a struggle every day. I know everyone has their problems and things aren't always as they seem. I'm just having a hard time staying in today, in the moment, in my life. All I can see is what I don't have and what I want. I feel confined and without a choice, backed into a corner and all I want is to escape. I want to run and run and run. Bad thing about that is I have to take me with me. What happen to yesterday?? Where did it all go?? I'm having a hard time finding one positive thing.

HELP! Call husband. "I'm trapped in a hole and I need your help to get out." His answer, Dog Therapy. I sat and watched my screen saver of all our pictures while we talked. Watching all the dogs, puppies, plants, paintings and ourselves go by I began to feel again. I came back to today and reality and the love around me and everything else didn't matter anymore. I may never have the perfect house (not with all these creatures running about) or all the money in the world but I do have everything in need right here and now.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The return of ...MANIA

My husband and I were up until 5:30am because he got home so late. My mind had been flying all night long and I couldn't sleep. After catching a few minutes of my favorite pastor on TV, I began to feel my mind and body soothe down. Only to awaken by one of the dogs, 4 hours later. I conked out in the chair for another hour zipping to start the day.

Since this is just the beginning of it, I'm having a blast for the most part. Though I have more energy than I know what to do with. Life seems fun. Everything is happy. OH...if I could only stay in this way. It was surreal to enjoy the day, like walking on the moon. When BAM, next thing my husband and I are blowing up at each other as we were both anxious and time was pressing as we had an unexpected visitor in the middle of doing a project. Then time was really jamming down our throats and everything with my husband's job is about time and when he gets home. I wasn't really angry but my anxiety was through the roof. We never have company or visitors, and the surprise of it...well, let's just say don't ever throw me a birthday party I don't know about. I won't be smiling.

It amazes me how in manias the energy that is just bursting through me and yet I can't seem to find anything to do, because I'm so tired all at the same time. It's fun for a while and then I want to sit down and chill out for a few minutes and yet I'm just buzzing to do something. I can't seem to focus my mind long enough to really engage with something long enough to finish it. Not mention I'm constantly interrupted by 6 dogs and 2 cats demanding for my attention and they are too much extra to contend with sometimes. Things can be a little too hyper around here just with the animals alone. My whole body feels like has a slight tremor going on inside and yet my legs feel like rubber. Still I feel good, like I could go dancing. It's just crazy. Like a 24 hour party. So I will enjoy it while I can, because the backside of this mania will be here before I know it like whiplash.

Help me! Help me!

After quite a day, my mind is finally quiet. The first words out of my husband's mouth when I woke up were, "Look what happened." Just what you want to hear when your eyes are still trying to focus. The VCR tape was jammed into the TV. (Yes, we still live in the dark ages of video tapes around here.) My thoughts just closed in and crashed. The bottom had fallen out. It isn't bad enough he works all night and I tape our shows to watch when he comes home in the wee hours of the night, but now our only wind down time comes to an abrupt halt. That TV is only 4 years old and we've been wrestling with that VCR for the last six months, when it decided it wasn't going to operate correctly for some unknown reason. We aren't asking for excessive wealth, or mansions, or fancy cars...We just want to watch one dumb TV show!! One small request to enjoy something out of how hard hubby works. One stupid thing. I can laugh now. This morning I was trying to hang on to the tornado in my head trying to destroy everything that was good. It was just one of many examples of how our life seems to go. Down to the one last bean and somebody has to steal that too. We're we really asking for so much?? All he wants is to sit and veg out for an hour after busting ass all night. Was it really so much?? I thought I was going to be sick it upset me so much. Trying to hang on. (rubbing for forehead) Depression is choice. Depression is a choice. I don't think I can do it. What's the point? What really is the point? "How are you feeling?" He says. "fine" "How are you really feeling?" And he pulled me into the calm eye of the storm. Talking, listening, making choices. It all turned out OK. Depression is choice, but I needed help in getting to the decision. He was there. I was glad.

The day continued on in this manner. A couple of baseball games at the usually empty park when I went to walk Zappa was another twist of torture. People, cars, kids, and dogs everywhere. AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! Three hours on the computer trying to set up a new blog, that turned into complex mess, not sure for a while if I'd screwed the whole thing up. Many things about computers are beyond my scope of even trying to understand. It's all safe, FOR NOW. Wait until I try to touch it tomorrow. lol On top of that I haven't felt good for the last couple of days. Just more to add to my pity party! lol So I was glad to see the moon again. A good signal that the day was over. Praise God!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Good day

The title really says it all. It was a good day. Even though I didn't get much sleep the night before and woke up tired, my mind was sound. Ususally when I'm tired I feel depleted, empty, and depressed. I will have to push myself through the day with very little mental energy to work with. My emotions will spiral and splatter all over the walls.

Today I felt great.

If I was manic and tired, I'd become anxious, with zooming thoughts, and I would pace trying to keep up with them not being able to rest my weary body or mind. I would try to lie down and my mind would attack my thoughts to keeping them going.

None of that happened today. Today, I had a good amount of mental and physical energy. I did odd jobs around the house and was outside most of the time with dogs. I rested when I needed and I got going when I needed. It was a beautiful spring day and I enjoyed it. This has got to be the best feeling in the world to be right where I am and not in the throws of swinging back and forth. I'm finally getting a chance to be the real me. The REAL me, not my illness. This is fantastic! I've been cautious for a while about enjoying it, in case it didn't last long, but now I'm just going to enjoy the hell out of it!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

I made it through the rain...

I don't know the specific diagnosis for my bipolar, but I have always been more depressed than manic. My depression consistently spiral downward, though I never knew it had a name until my late teens. I'd been suicidal for about as long, yet I was terrified of death. I was really looking for a way out, a reason to live. I couldn't really tell you what I held on to at the time, but somehow I found enough to get me through.

Manias as a teen were more like extreme happy times, like I was drunk. They didn't turn into full blown episodes until my early 20's. My drug use perpetuated my symptoms unset. Though unusually between late teens and 20's is when full scale symptoms occur for bipolar. They can be different for everyone, but this is considered average.

So having struggled with depression for more of my life than manias and to be off an anti-depressant for a year and a half, is absolutely mind blowing. Today marks 9 years since I was last hospitalized, an astounding record for me. Today is also my 11 years anniversary for being clean and sober. The past three weeks I've been more stable than I have in the past during this spring season. I have been taking my meds on a regular basis for 7 months with only one major screw up. I began taking my vitamins on a regular basis again, another important part of my mental and physical health. I know I'm repeating from an earlier post, but I write this in total awe of myself and how far I have come. How my decision to accept and believe my disorder exist and begin to really take care of it two years ago is starting to pay off in the long term.

For the past three weeks, my moods and emotions are in check and feel more balanced than I could imagine possible. I never thought this could actually happen. I never knew what it could actually mean. My emotions are actually proportioned properly to circumstances and events. If they start to get off track, I can take a second and logically think through to grab some patience and continue on. This is definitely the longest I have ever went without some massive swing or even spikes and drops within a stable period. I'm just starting to realize what being stable actually means and can be. For years I've swung from the extremes of mania and depression and to be right smack in the middle without jumping even for a minute one way or the other...I don't know how to really express the feeling. It's like always riding on a derailed train and finally getting on the track for the first time. Could it really be this easy?

Is it any wonder that I began to think if I really was bipolar anymore?? (post: Head in the Clouds) This is the strangest phenomenon I have ever had. Is this what they call a level head?? So far it has been a exciting and strange experience, but I think I could used to it. :) It's like suddenly having your dream come true. It sure took a whole lot of work, love, and fighting through myself, but it was worth it. One step at a time, I made it through.

Friday, April 16, 2010


Fear has ruled my life and with good reason. Survival. It is the main component of my being and for every thought and action I take or don't take. For years I was immune to the tension coiled in every muscle and compressing my brain. I don't know that I've ever been 100% relaxed. There is always a muscle slowly contracting that I'm unaware of until it hurts. My shoulder blades are gripping me now as I type and my right calf is clenching together on and off. It has become such a way of life that I have never known any different.

My husband is constantly trying to crack my code to get me to at least smile. It's like getting an Olympic gold medal if he can get me laughing. So you can get a taste of what his life is like. Thank God he loves me. :)

I was telling him about this on and off tension (maybe it's meds?) when he reminded me how tense I am all time and my FEAR (key word). (Slapping my forehead) I had completely forgotten it existed due to the fact it is so ingrain in my being. The thought that fear was a separate feeling, was like a completely new concept. (Light bulb goes off) I've been dragged by this crazy horse for so long to survive, I didn't know there was an option of letting go of the reins. Hell, at this point I think I caught up and passed the darn horse and I'm still running. Jeez...where in the world was I going??

I've practically come to stand still with everything I have ever done or wanted to do. Things I have never had a problem with, all of the sudden became utterly impossible. I have practically become frozen in fear, locking me down tight.

Talk about have an epiphany! Just the idea that fear is it's own feeling is enough to blow the roof off my cave of darkness. That would be a good start. Another key to unlocking myself from this cage.

Well, I know it won't be an easy climb, but I'm going to keep trudging this mountain of freedom. Each step to facing my fears will be one step closer to losing them. Better get my hiking boots, I hear the terrain is quite rocky.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

My addictions

It is not uncommon for people who are bipolar to drink and use drugs. It was easy for me as a late teen, where my job at a fast food place provided the perfect opportunity. The entire crew smoked pot. It was an excellant way to escape life, my feelings and my moods. Though it would be several years until I was diagnosed being bipolar, I'd been suffering silently with servere depression and suicidal thoughts and ideas. There was such a release in getting high. For most people, marijuia is a relaxant after the initial rush. For me it took me higher and higher. Blasted states of euphoria and giggling uncontrollably. It took me in grandiose states of seeing God, heaven and obsessions. It wasn't long before I was addicted. Long days of paranoia, blackouts I have thankfully never regained, unthinkable doings for my fix, and surrcombing to a very dark world. There weren't any drugs I didn't try. I usually just took whatever was given to me. I don't know how I ever really functioned. I eventually tried to take my life with a bottle of pills. After waking up in horror and quite ill the next day, I still fought with myself whether to go to the hospital. Turning myself in to the hospital I would have to admit I had a problem I wasn't ready to face.

I discovered a 12-step group after trying my luck with pot and realized I had a problem. For seven years I bounced back and forth until one last hosptialization from a severe mania made me realize the seriousness of my addiction. This year makes 11 years of being clean and sober. Most of the time I don't think about getting drunk or high, but my addictive thinking can get seriously out of control. I still miss the escape that drugs gave me. I can never have just one drink or drug, besides what would be the point? I never did it for the pleasure, the point was to reach oblivion. I'll admit there are those days when I give anything to slam back a bottle and blackout from this world just for one night. Problem is one drop leads to never stopping and I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle of hell.

Doesn't take much for my mind to take it's own rollercoaster rides. I can appreciate that I can take part in how to handle it and I'm learning coping skills to strive for a more balanced life. I know I wasn't thinking that 20 years ago, but I am grateful for being here many years later to have the opportunity to be living proof of it.

Lost in the Clouds

Seems my head is in the clouds again. I'm in denial about being bipolar and think I may be cured. My husband and I both laughed when I told him this, yet there is nothing that seems to change my mind. With my focus being on my childhood, bipolar is somewhere in the back recesses of my mind. Put away on a shelf in the closet, (sigh) to become a distant memory. Even now as I blog, I sit here with a grin feeling like the cat that ate the canary. I can't seem to find on shred of evidence that it exist at this present time. Have I had any manias recently? Very slight. Have I been depressed? Well, actually today. Spring has always brought more bipolar symptoms than normal. Usually very extreme measures of mania. Ended up several times in the hospital during the spring season. To be so even keeled with my moods at this particular time is a very odd experience. I have been emotional. I've dealt with core issues from my abusive childhood and I have taken them with stride. Very unusual for this time of year. Where would I ever get the notion that I was cured? Hmmmm....A set pattern of extremes every spring, guaranteed mood swings and an onset of emotions I have little control over. Guess it makes me wonder. A difference as clear as night and day. This is also monumental for being off an anti-depressant for a year and a half. If I was going to have a break down, now would be the time. Maybe all of my hard work of getting through the withdrawal of Prozac and re-educating my mind is starting to pay off. I am cured? No, but for these last couple of weeks it has felt like it and it is a great feeling. Do I believe I'm cured? I haven't found any proof that I'm not. It's a nice thought that my disorder could just be whisked away from me and I could sail into the sunset. So for now I will enjoy this easier life I've been granted at the moment. Guess I'd better get the box out of the closet and have it some where I can see it. Just a reminder that it is still there so it doesn't jump out and scare the reality out of me. For now I will take in the pleasure and simply enjoy. I deserve it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Chance reminds me

My thoughts today have carried some light weight like a backpack. A sense of feeling lost and a reminiscence of the first couple years of our marriage when life was very simple. At least looking back at parts of it, it was simple. I miss that. How did life spiral into being so complex? Followed then by physical sensations of mania but without the racing thoughts as they were still clinging to the sadness. I am still grieving for many things, but mostly myself. Loss still sweeps over me like gentle waves. Reminding me why I continue this path of healing and the blessings of life.

Like my sweet dog Chance. We have a very special bond because he is a very unique dog. We have a ninja-like game with one his toys, a rubber pull toy on a rope. I swing it around at different heights, angles and speed and he jumps for it. These games can get very intense, testing both of our athletic skills. Chance is very agile. I have seen him do black flips, twist and stunning leaps that are simply amazing. My job isn't as difficult, but the swing must be enough to challenge him, without being to short that he will misstep and fall. Chance is serious about this game. He takes full responsibility of his "job" and never tries to fail. His commitment and determination is astonishing. His concentration and focus is unwavering. He is like that with all play and work, because to him it is all work.

I wish I had a photo to show the amazing feats Chance portrays. I need my husband to take one. This picture shows some of the intensity on his face, ready to dig. It is this bond Chance and I have during this game, when we are the only two creatures on the planet. It is this passion between the two of us that creates this unbreakable bond that I treasure with him and all my dogs. For it is rare to have a one-on-one experience with the other dogs around, but worth my life when I get it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

My depression is the cave

I connected with the cave yesterday. Like touching a pool of water it sent ripples across my soul. I was in touch with the deepest, darkest most painful part of me that helped me survive.

Then it dawned on me...the cave is my depression. This is what my depression looks like. A far cry from this vacant, dead thing in my mind. It is ALIVE. It churns and swirls like a fire in my belly. This is what it looks like under the black cap. It breathes with a life all it's own. It believes and knows the pain within, for it is that pain. Screaming with life. Hanging on with all it's might. Protecting me at any cost to survive. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never letting go. Realizing that the pain that I endured I must inflict upon myself in order to survive. How much did I really endure? The amazing resilience to live. To find a way. To never let them win. To really, truly suffer and still bounce back to life, time and time again. It is truly mind boggling. What the heart, mind and body will do to live. What ever it takes. A primal instinct instilled for survival and the right to live.

My paintings are all pulled out of this pool of energy. Giving me that needed connection of life and the reality within. The vibrant colors, energy, and the mixing and blending of each, gives the meaning to the purpose. When I paint I touch the potential that exist and the vigor to create it. Suddenly it all makes sense.

The energy I united with last night lasted until early this evening. I was baffled at first as I felt the old familiar weights pulling me down. It was then I realized the black cap was back on the cave and the black void of depression and sadness began to cover me like a fog. Again, I was forced with the knowledge that it takes time to heal and I still had a long way to go. With each piece of healing, I begin to think I may be done, until I find it isn't over. I trust myself and my faith to know the black cap will open again and again, when it is ready. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle a lifetime of trauma all at once, as I didn't happen to me all at once. And so I grieve. The little bit of energy I did experience was overwhelming enough as I connected with myself. Baby steps. It all comes down to baby steps.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Embracing "The Cave"

When I first painted the "cave," (post: painting leads to new beginning) I began to understand what it was and what it meant. As I studied further I began to feel it-all of it. Suddenly I understood too much all at once. I wanted to purge all those feelings of sadness, anger, and self-hate. I wanted to find a way to cut it out of me and remove it. The cave represents and holds all the feelings of every bad thing that has happened to me.

The last few days I began seeing the healing power in the cave and I began to embrace it. Those feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, and self-hatred that have been buried and locked in my childhood. I've seen the power in the cave that survived horrendous pain and have begun to honor that determination. It is that fuel that got me to where I am today. The cave has been separated from my mind and I could never fully look at it, when it's the part that will set me free. That driving force I have been missing for so many years-I found it.

There is still more healing to take place. These are strong emotions that are not going to dissipate just because I have taken them in. I want to learn to listen to them, know the source, and help myself heal. I want to learn how to harness the energy without damaging it further. Learning how to validate myself and grow from it. This has brought a tremendous amount of peace and understanding. Another step forward.

Life is mysterious and awesome. Embrace it.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I felt like a monster after my last post and most of today. The blackness in the painting (previous post) is self-hatred. I don't feel it in manias until it turns into paranoia. I avoid contact with others because my delusions tell me they all hate me too. In depression that self-hatred pounds me down. Over and over, hammering me to the floor. It feeds on itself in depression. It is a struggle to get up after the first blow. It is nearly impossible after the second or third.

I am in a constant fight with myself for myself. Acceptance is difficult with these two extremes in my head. I struggle with keeping an awareness of this self-hatred and the good person I know I am. The polarization of mania and depression make this attempt even more difficult. Some days I just don't have the strength to fight it and I let it win for that day. Other days I am more conscious and perceptive to not letting it touch me.

Today in order to face the fight, I ran. I took Daddy dog, Brut and we ran for two and half miles straight. Then I took his two kids for a walk. I'd almost forgotten what that feels like as I have been so mentally and physically drained these last three weeks and haven't even thought of walking the dogs. There is something powerful in our one-on-one walks. It is one of the greatest weapons I have and there are many days I am just unable to do it. Consistency as you may guess with the extremes of being bipolar, are difficult to manage. I try my best, yet some days I am unsuccessful.

Today was a victory. At one point, I was on the verge of losing my mind and now things seem to be back in their proper place. This is the longest I have ever went not being in a hospital, taking my medication, not drinking or drugging, not being abused and being in a loving, secure relationship. I am charting uncharted territory. I'm going to screw up. I didn't get this way overnight and I'm not going to heal overnight. One step at a time, it is all I can do. For today, I'm good with that, because it worked.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Painting leads to a beginning

When I paint, I put a song on repeat that fits my mood. Last night, I thought I would try something different, playing my favorite radio station. It worked. Three of my favorite songs in a row that were fitting for my mood. I couldn't have asked for better.

I also felt the need to feel the paint, so I used my fingers and hands to played with my canvas. Engaging with the energy of the paint and my fingers. The brush was too constricting. I needed to be one with it.

There have only been 3 times that I have ever painted with an image or idea in mind that have actually went from my mind to canvas. Otherwise I start with a blank mind and a color that represent my most prominent feeling and then to the next and so on. It is the position and blending of these colors that give me my final product. Sometimes images begin to form, sometimes like last night, it wasn't until it was complete that I knew what it was.

It was my "cave". A cave deep within me that holds all my anger, pain and sadness. It is buried deep in my soul, protecting all my pain and anger that I spoke of in last post. It churns, it moves, it burns, connected to the darkness. The anger I have difficulty tapping in to "owns" the cave. It spews every where like hot lava. I am stunned at how much there really is. The sadness sinks in the heart of the cave. It is not as obvious as the anger, but there is no doubt it is there. The sadness, anger and darkness make the cave. They are the cave, holding it together.

This amount of childhood anger, is the high level of irritation and agitation that grinds on me in a mania or depression. Uncontrollable yelling and screaming with only a pin drop of reason, whipping out sarcastic remarks with venom and wanting to break and punch everything. Insurmountable regret as every word is released, but I can to stop. Which is nothing compared to the war in my head. The need to destroy myself is stronger than any word I could use. The heights and depths of these rages are usually only during manias and depression. And now I've got a visual image of what is brewing inside of me. I've looked at it long and hard today several times and now I want to destroy the proof. It is the key but it is also ugly and dark and it is me and I don't want to look at it anymore. I wish it was as easy as throwing away the painting and being done with it. It is not that easy. The process is just beginning. At least it is a start.

P.S. I don't just go around explode on anyone. lol This always happened with my husband and he knows that it goes deeper than when he does MY dishes and oversteps his bounds because I'm the housewife. Crazy, ain't it?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Failure to Anger

Being bipolar, I feel like an instant failure when that big drop comes. I was on middle ground for the last three days and took a sharp fall today. The day was gloomy and so was I. Nothing seemed to shake this mood. Frustration lead to feelings of failure. I was doing so good. I felt good. All past tense. Feeling like I was starting to get on track when, WHAM, the rug was out from under me again. Everything I tried failed. All day of this crappy, miserable feeling, and I felt doomed. What was the point in trying? Why should I bother anymore?

We are having a bit of a cold spell and it is suppose to be colder tomorrow. I needed to bring wood in for the furnace. Disgusted with myself and life, I began hauling in sled fulls of wood and throwing it downstairs. With this intense labor my focus began to deepen and hone in on my feelings. Anger. That frightening bottle I don't want to open. Anger about my past, anger about my disorder, and anger about both facing me in the present. Anger for the need to survive all my life and feeling that desperateness today. Anger for having to mentally and physically fight so hard to find a reason to believe. Anger that I have a fear of not knowing how to release without exploding into rage. Anger that I do not know how it will serve me purposely at this point in time. Stuffed for years and knowing no outlet, confines me.

Moving the wood helped to touch and recognized it. Which allows me to admit it is there. Now I need to find the healing power of tapping into it. I'm sick and tired of just letting it go and glossing over it. I want to energy to use for my good. Turn it into a positive force for me. I'm tired of getting bogged down in the quicksand of it. I want to use it. It's time to feel it and let that bad boy loose. I think I'm going to paint. Yes, I think I will.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Blogging has been an awesome experience. I have always kept a journal since I was about ten years old, not knowing really the impact it would have on me. Writing has always given me a freedom in expressing myself of trap feelings I could never share. It became a vital tool in my twenties, when I had no where else to turn for help. It was my therapy and a gift that gave me an awareness into myself. Helping me sort out my feelings, thoughts and emotions and still does to this day.

Blogging has been an experience I could not imagine. A sharpening of my tool. I contemplated about this blog after my husband suggestion, I had no idea where it could take me.

I've never focus so intently on my manic depression to depth that I have. It has led to an awareness that I could not foresee and that has taken me to a new level. As I have run through several cycles of my bipolar disorder, I have gained a new understanding and appreciation for myself and being bipolar. I believe it sped up the process of many revelations from my past and the understanding of it's link to my bipolar, that I was unaware of. A connection that has given me a great deal of pain, freedom, and a new beginning of how I see my bipolar. Gifts that have helped greatly in my healing process and that I am quite grateful for.

I would've been fine if no one had ever read my post, I was doing this for me to help me, but what I have experienced with my followers and being involved with their blogs has shown me what this community of bloggers is really all about. Being there, being heard, someone paying attention and giving support when needed. That has been empowering. It has helped me to carry on, showing my side of the cards, and they have been there whether they have understood or not, they were there. It has forced me to look within myself and helped me to be a better person because of them and for that I would like tell them how much I appreciate them and anyone who reads my blog. Thank you. This has been one of the best experiences of my life. Thank you.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

And the rain came down

I finally slept last night without being haunted by visions and voices. It was the first night in about a week. I feel like I'm finally ahead of the tormenting on my brain for now. Things are back in place at the moment with my childhood and my manic depression. There is peace. After weeks and weeks of the blaring sun, my eyes are soothed by the quiet rain, gently falling outside my window. As nature drinks in thirst, my soul refreshes in the cool, inviting shower. I soak in the relief. I am alive. I can breathe again. Lavishing in the many miracles of nature, life and God's timing. So pure and untouched. I am here. I am still here. Once again, I survived.

Friday, April 2, 2010

A Chance to cuddle

Today I'm just feeling quiet and simple. It has been a very painful week and it seems things have worked themselves through. I don't have much to say and for once that is OK. I feel like my boy, Chance, cuddled here with his favorite toy. He was one of the dogs from our litter that was returned to us. After he was born, the only name I could give him was, Blue, for the color of the ribbon to separate him from his other brothers. It was the boy that took him that gave him his new name. How powerful a name can be and ever so fitting. He is my second Chance.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Blank Page

Since the converging of my bipolar symptoms and my childhood,(post: A New Beginning) my mind has become a blank slate about being bipolar. Suddenly I feel like I don't know anything about it. What it meant to me before has changed and left the door open for more possibilities than I knew existed. It is in this discovery that I don't know what that meaning is or will be and I am left with an open tablet waiting for the next word. I am still in some state of shock and I am wounded with hurt from my past. Being bipolar holds a different meaning and interpretation now and I am left in wonder as what that will mean in the coming days. For now I am sitting in amazement, staring at this new world before me. Taking everything in, but not quite ready to take that first step. It is scary and beautiful and painful all at the same time. Like seeing a rainbow in the dark. Please join me into my brave new world.