Good-bye Lucky

My little duckling died in his egg. He never hatched. He probably died Fri (5/28), but I didn't know until Sat.

I was sad, disappointed, hurt and angry. As these feelings came in waves throughout the day, I found them to be parallel with the feelings from my childhood abuse. While part of me cried for my little duck, the other part of me having the exact same feelings about my abusers. It was the same hurt and pain as losing this little ducky.

This egg from the first day has been enmeshed with healing from the past. I think it is amazing how God works. All I had to do was believe.

Dream the impossible...

My brain has cooled down. I don't feel depressed, manic, anxious or scared. Nice feeling. It seems the level has balanced out for a while and enjoying it. My little duck egg is coming along, even though he is behind "schedule." I've been following a few different sites and forums for information and reading my books on ducks. There have been some panic times that have cause me to stress out and be frantic all day as to the development of this egg. Undo stress when I didn't rely on my faith that everything was OK. In getting an answer on a forum today that basically was the opposite of everything I've read and in his conclusion the likelihood of my duckling actually being alive were quite nil, actually confirmed for me that my duckling was far from being dead. Trusting my gut and knowing just because something isn't a certain way it is not the only way. No matter how much we try we can never imitate nature.

An example: When my dog Brut and his son were really having a round and round battle of challenging each other, I called a dog trainer for a technique or something I could do to break this fighting. His answer, along with a few other forums I went on, were to get rid of one or more dogs. That was never an option. I wasn't just going to throw a couple of dogs away because there was a riff going on between them. To me that was absurd! Do you throw your kids away if they fight? I was smiling when I hung up the phone because he actually gave me the answer I needed. If that was the best advice a professional dog trainer could give me and I'd been handling all along (the best i could) then I just needed to trust my gut a little more and dig within for the answers. And I did through much trial and error, eventually the phase passed and now it is rare for them to really get into it. It wasn't easy, that's for sure, but eventually I found what worked and they started to grow out of it as they got older. Besides why would I give my problems to someone else? They are mine and my responsibility and I love them. How could I just give up on them?

Another example: I have a ton of house plants around the house. I went to seminar type thing and the lady was saying the fern plants will die if you smoke and touch them as they are nicotine sensitive. I have a fern that I've had for at least 6 years or more, I smoke, and it is flourishing. Imagine that! I've also been told to re pot only during the spring and summer, and I can't tell you how many I've done in the wintertime. It's a fun break in the gloom of winter!

Every one was against our marriage. It will never last. They were all waiting for me to come crawling back. It's been over ten years now. Amazing when you do the right thing and listen to your heart. It never leads you astray.

And so I'm back to the egg. As my husband puts it, since humans aren't ducks, they can never really know what a duck does sitting on a nest. I do know one thing, like every mother, they love there babies and defend them to the death. (Well, at least in the animal kingdom) My husband said the other day to me, "You could put that egg in the freezer and it would still hatch." I thought it was the sweetest thing he could say to me. Still makes me smile. :) I loved it since I first touched it. Just like the dogs and just like my plants. They are just an extension of our love. And with love, you can never go wrong.

The day

The day started cooler, making a good start to the day. We candled our duck egg and he now fills the whole egg, except for the air sac that he should be poking his beak through any time. My guess is that he will hatch sometime this weekend. I'm really getting excited and a little scared, as the journey with this little egg has been much the same. I have never been any where near something like this and I refuse to watch any video of a hatching. I want to experience it all first hand.

Then my husband and I put a make-shift privacy fence out of tarp. Looks straight out of hillbilly city. OMG!! We have post in and wood to put up a real one, but just couldn't get to it before the neighbors come up with Brut's arch nemisis. They've been going at it for the last 3 years and Blaze is about to go in heat, which is going to up the anty on things. So to avoid more problems, blue tarp along the whole side. It looks so awful!! Help!!

Then I took Blaze for a walk in a place where we used to take the dogs to run free, except now it is all build up. She was horrible!! I can not believe how defiant this little bitch is. She didn't care that I was there at all, she just wanted to go where ever the hell she wanted. I found myself getting madder and madder at her, it was horrible. If it wasn't so hot I would have had her pull me on the bike down the road. That bitch has got some energy and strong will. I guess she had to, to survive the abuse she did. She learned persistance from the other owners. Any dog that still barks after being kicked and hit and locked up has got determination. I was glad to go home after that episode.

Wetlands where Blaze and I walked through.


Then later at home, I was freaking out, terrified about the tarped fence. It triggered off my shame. Shame that has been deeply rooted in me from way back when. I've never really dealt with it much before, but it is entangled in everything I think, say and do about myself. I tried facing it as much as I could today, but I just couldn't look at it anymore. All the ugly, replusive, groteque beliefs I have about myself resonated every time I saw that ugly tarp. Everything I've ever done "wrong" in my life and could never do right plagued so much I shook. The same thing when I look in the mirror for five seconds, which is all I can stand, all I see is disgust. I know this all comes from my abusive childhood and it wasn't my fault, but it has been driven into my head like a spike for so long, I don't even know it is in there. So the tarp has made me really feel the pain for the first time. There is no doubt it is there, just like the fence. I can't escape it anymore. Now...how in world do I get this spike out???? I guess right now being aware is half the battle, now if I can just figure out the other half I will be straight. lol Lord knows, this ain't going to be pretty.

Lithium

Summer is not my favorite time of the year. I am more of a snow girl. I have never tolerated the heat very well, but I never got sick from it until I was put on Lithium after my last hospital visit 9 years ago. Today was one of those days.

My first couple of summers after starting Lithium were very difficult. I would get stomach aches, feel nausea and dizzy. I would feel very weak, shaky and get awful headaches. Lithium makes your body overheat because you do not sweat properly and causes a toxic build up. Lithium stays balanced by drinking lots of water, (which is all I drink anyways) and salt. I discovered during that second summer that if I drank a glass of salt water (1/2 cup water, 1 tsp. salt) it alleviated all my symptoms. After those couple of years, my Lithium levels began to even out and would only have to drink the salt water when the heat was extremely high.

A couple of years ago, my doctor and I decided to up the Lithium and again I began having problems in the summer. The salt water did little to nothing at this point and I suffered. I had planned on cutting back last summer, but we had such a cold summer that didn't need to be done. This summer it looks as if I will have to in order to make it through this summer. These last 4 days we have had record heat and humidity and it has been miserable. Today was my breaking point, I wanted to sob I was so sick to my stomach, my head was killing me and I just felt like I could pass out. It wasn't until the sun was almost down that all my symptoms vanished, just like that.

I need to tell my doctor that I need to cut back. I'm not good with being assertive when it comes to my medication because I'm afraid of telling a doctor what I need. Which is why my husband comes with me to every appt. for huge moral support and sometimes says the things I can not say. I don't feel 100% confident with my decision either. I'm a little fearful of cutting back, when I'm still reeling from the effects of going off Prozac a year and a half ago. I just don't know that I'm ready to give up that safety net, but I need to also look at my health and mental well being through these summer months. It is not a decision I make lightly and I need to talk more about it with my husband. Usually we are still in long sleeves and jeans this time of year, so this blast of summer really knocked me for a loop. I'm scared, but I believe I will make the right choice and my husband will support me. I just wasn't ready to make a medication change so soon, because to tell you the truth, I forgot about it. So I guess these last 4 days have been my reminder.

Any thoughts or suggestions that anyone may have would be great. I could always use more support. Thanks.

Brain cleanse

My brain has been in turmoil for the last few days. I thought it fitting to share our duck, Luigi, playing and washing away all his troubles, as I have finally been able to do this evening after I took my shower. We've had record heat and humidity the last few days, which has added to the torment. Water being the most healing element to me, it is always a thrill to watch Luigi really enjoy it as much as I do. I can actually feel all my cares roll off his back while he dives, splashes and flaps his wings. He is always so happy playing in the water. I would have never thought I could connect with a duck, but it seems I have.

p.s. I know the video isn't too great, but it's the best I have right now.

In Spite of the D word

Brut and I went for a walk. Can you believe it? It was fantastic as we had the park to ourselves on a beautiful Sunday before noon. I woke up in such a crappy, miserable, mood with tears threatening to spill. It seemed impossible to change my mood, there was no way. Depression had gotten me, but I don't think I could stand myself all day like that. It was time to bond with my buddy.

Brut and I have an uncanny bond, we are so much alike. He is an angel and a bastard in a split second flat. It doesn't take much to make him turn, for reasons even he doesn't know. He doesn't understand why he acts the way he does, but after the fact he knows he was in the wrong. He doesn't seem to be able to control himself and looks to me for guidance. I know the feeling all too well. Being bipolar things can turn on a dime.

Our walk was great, it was warm but we didn't care. We traveled all the trails, then hunted for chipmunks in the baseball fields. I wanted to stay all day, it was so peaceful and relaxing. I have no doubt Brut would comply. We have missed our walks together. For that hour and a half, we were the only two creatures alive. I wasn't worrying about anything. Eventually though we did have to go home.

A well deserved drink after a long hot walk.

The depression struck me again as I walked in the door. Our time together was over and everything I left behind was still there. The crappy mood, the sadness, the irritation, the anger right back in my face. I had the choice again. I could sit with it, or do something in spite of it. I toggled back and forth, before deciding to shampoo the living room carpet. I've needed to do it as it doesn't take long with the the 4 dogs in there. It didn't change my mood, but I did it anyways. Something positive was accomplished.

I still feel lost and empty. It has helped to write about it and my wonderful time with Brut. I know my years of depression and flipping back and forth has hurt the dogs as well as my husband. It is so very trying on everyone.

Does anyone ever really get used to it?

About My Husband

Garfield with this expression best represents my husband. He is somewhere between happy, crazy and insane. He has to be to put up with me and all my mood swings. I don't know how he really does it. Sometimes I'm so tortured by my emotions and thoughts that I not always aware of how he bends his life around mine to be there for me.

We are a perfect match for each other. We are bipolar as a unit. He is usually up while I am usually down, which creates a clashing our thought patterns. When we are on the same level, we run like a well tuned, oiled machine.

My bipolar has been trying on him. At any given moment I can be triggered one way or the other sending me instantly into a manic or depressed emotion. He has stated more than once feeling like he has to walk on egg shells because of my hypersensitivity and reactions to situations. The boy's got a lot of patience.

He is fantastic with people in general. Although there are only two choices: you either love him or hate him. To tell you the truth, I don't really know how he handles me. I'm trying to think of an example, but I'm really mystified as to what he actually does. (Besides pray to God all the time) He knows what's going on with me long before I do, he just waits until I become aware. We talk about everything and this is really difficult for me because I more of a writer. I never really learned how to talk and tend to shut down. Things that are bothering me are truly buried and in order to reach them he keeps slowly pressing until he finds the "key" word that unlocks the safe of feelings. These "talks" stir and trigger every defense I have in me, yet somehow he keeps delving for the truth to free myself. His only goal is to help me through my past and my disorder to set me free from it. I still don't know how he can break down all my barriers but I do know it is all out of love.

And there's the real key word. He loves me unconditionally. I have never had an ounce of that in my life before. He is real. Raw. To the core. He is all about care and forgiveness. He just loves me for who and what I am right here, right now. There is no two-edge sword about it, he loves me for me.

He's the reason I've made it as far as I have with my disorder and my past. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him being put in my life. He is and will always be my best friend, which is how our relationship started. He has been there every time I have needed him and I couldn't ask for a better husband. We were definitely meant to be. Soul mates until the end of time.

Let's Get Ready to Rumbl-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-e!!

Round 1,385,387

In this corner we have Midnight. Midnight weighs in with guilt and a package of shame.

And in this corner and defending champion of the Midnight's past, Rainbow. Rainbow has come once again to claim her title and she'll stop at nothing to get it.

(DING, DING DING) There's the bell and they are coming out of the corners. Dancing around each other, feeling each other out. A few jabs, a left, a right.

Bob (announcer): Rainbow doesn't look worried at all. She's just playing the crowd

Don (announcer): She doesn't even have to try. She can hold Midnight back with a fake punch.

Bob: look at Midnight jump to ground, after one swing! She ready to surrender now.

Don: (chuckling) Well, she might as well, but I don't think Rainbow is going to let her. Rainbow's got stamina and endurance. She's not going to make it that easy for Midnight.

Round 1,420,281 The fight really begins to pick up

Bob: Look at Rainbow!! She is pulverizing Midnight. Pounding her face right to the ground and she's not letting up.

Don: Whoa! Rainbow is kicking her in the stomach, the officials are not even paying attention! Low blow!!

Bob: Look at how Rainbow moves so effortlessly. She's not stopping until she gets what she wants!

Don: A baseball bat?!? Where did Rainbow get a baseball bat???? She's really driving the point now.

Bob: Let's see if this is what it takes...

Don: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS...MIDNIGHT IS ACTUALLY STARTING TO PUNCH HERSELF IN THE FACE!!! SHE MUST REALLY DESERVE THIS!!!

Bob: I THINK SHE DOES!!!

Don: MIDNIGHT ISN'T STOPPING!!!

Bob: ONE BLOW AFTER THE OTHER!!!

Don: Look at the grin on Rainbow's face!! She did it. She won.

Bob: Midnight beating herself up.

Don: And the winner is......


I found myself in the ring again with myself. The never ending boxing match where I pulverize myself by my own hands. Taking responsibility for everything that happened in my abusive childhood and believing every lie. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. For the last week, this is where I have been. It wasn't until I became aware of my conscious thoughts that the bell rang and the fight was over.

For 7 days I have taken responsibility for a friends actions that I had no right to take. It was direct at me, so I took the blame. Then I started picking up all the shit balls of all the past things I took blame for. If that was my fault, then this my fault, which means these are my fault, etc....And how about you? Do you have anything you don't want to take responsibility for? I'll take it for you. And you and you and you...And you say this is my fault? OK I'll take it. And this? Really? I'm the reason for that earthquake? OK, lay that one on my shoulders too. And the floods, the tornado's, hurricanes, famines, death...sure, I'll take them all. Your right, your right, I'm the reason for the way the world is. I know, I know, even God couldn't fix it and it was worse than what the devil could do. Imagine that, I destroyed the whole, wide world. No wonder everyone blames me. Oh, then that explains the dirty look I got from this person that started this shit ball rolling. It WAS all my fault. And none of this would have happened if I didn't exist. Right, now I understand. LOL, LOL, LOL

UPDATE: This has been an automatic thinking pattern that for the first time I was able to put on paper and really see it for what it is. GARBAGE!!! It has help writing it out because I could see how silly it was. There is a great amount of freedom and breaking of the chains, now that I see the truth. This is just an example of the intensity of those lies and how they have been ingrained in me. I am finally free. I know the truth now, the lies can't hurt me anymore.

Down in a Hole

A song by Alice in Chains called "Down In A Hole" has been circling my head since getting the CD a few days ago. This is where I'm hiding. I've been all over the map today, emotionally scattered. Like a rubber ball is bouncing in my brain tripping off each emotion one after the other with no easy transition.

A call from an abused wife who's still in denial, make me anxious and sick to my stomach. I help her out with yard work and such, from time to time. The whole situation is utterly repulsive and triggers off my past rather quickly. It is sickening what humans do to others. I had a hard time focusing on things I needed to get done before going over there. Her call alone wiped me out.

Then I candled my duck egg to check on progress. I'm concerned. Everything looks good, but it's development is slower than the books say. So that sent me into a frenzy of trying to find more info. After visiting my friend this frantic search took me into the early evening hours. Worry, worry, worry.

Evening are my concentrated time with the dogs. This is when I sink. This is when I used to walk the dogs and my pitted belief that dogs need to be walked everyday. An anchored belief that comes from my mother and I'm obsessed with it everyday. Now it bashes me every evening making me incapable of doing it. Failure. Failure. Failure. As if I could go straight to hell if I don't. It encases me in it's grip most days and I believe it. It is like being wrapped in an octopus and never being able to be free from it. It destroys the playtime I do spend with the dogs, because it never measures up to a walk. If I do walk them, it is a miserable experience. It has a death grip on me that I haven't figured out how to break free from.

Then I went to use the weed trimmer, it worked great until I had to change the string and wouldn't start again. I felt like throwing it. This triggers off where we were financially and where we are now. Everything is crap. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. I walk over to our little pet memorial and begin to pull the grass and weeds by hand. It gave me a center. It gave me a purpose. There have been many days, this one included that I wanted to throw this crappy house away and I know I can't because of my lost pets that are here. Somehow, everything made sense again. I stopped worrying about the duck. He's going to be OK. The weed trimming could be done after hubby looks at machine. Nothing I can do about my friends situation, then what I'm doing. Then I was able to play with the dogs and find some peace. Real meaning. True unconditional love that my past tries with all its might to destroy, but still can not. It still can not completely get me. I will never let it. Whether I hide in my dug hole or it tries to beat me in it, it will never get me. My past will never win.

Tuning in

I'm having a bit of a time keeping with blogging and many other things. Plainly said, I'm exhausted. I'm not getting enough sleep. I can't seem to get more. I'm depressed. I'm dealing with immense sadness as revelations from my childhood abuse bombarded me the month of April. The process is continuing with this gift of incubating my duck egg, as more information continues to unfold. More truths coming to light, torching the lies that have controlled me all of my life. It took almost a week of feeling the tears in my throat before I was able to tap into them and set them free. It has been a series of triggers, that have set off a chain reaction of wanting to heal. I've have been through many of these processes through my life as pieces come to the surface and reveal themselves. These of the last few months have been the most intense and are at the very core of my abuse issues. From everything to the way I think and believe, the way I trust or not, who I am or not, and why I react the way I do in certain situations. It has made me become very aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me and I am getting better at listening to them to challenge them. As most are quite negative about myself.

Being bipolar gives me the resources to utilize the extreme manias and depressions in this matter because these thoughts become more obvious to me. Being bipolar actually is a tool that helps me find where I am at and forces me to look at what is exactly going on. I find the more I am in tune with these thoughts the more I find the truth.

I have been going through this tuning process for twenty years. I am just now getting to the nitty gritty of it. The fine tuning, where a hairline adjustment can make the difference in being centered on is really going on. I'm am still learning but I'm getting closer and closer to tapping into this resource. And faith. Trust. Believing. Everything happens for a reason. Knowing it will all be alright. Nothing you could have told you 20 years ago. None of those words would have ever passed my lips. I was suppose to be dead. I was suppose to take my life. I tried. And now here I am, blogging about it. Telling someone else, what no one told me. A mustard seed of faith....brings a miracle. Me.

Frustrating depression

Today was another long, cold, depressing day. I just can't seem to shake this feeling for very long. I think it is time to give into it. Needing to curl inside myself where it is safe and warm. Which sounds great in theory, except for 6 bouncing dogs needing my attention. I miss my energy, I miss the feeling of being productive and focused. I know the dogs miss that too.

When I am balanced or even slightly manic I set up walking schedules, have fun playtime and start teaching them new tricks. Then it all slowly falls to the wayside. It becomes such a struggle to take care of the basic necessities. Play times are short and empty and I completely forget about the new tricks and will have to start all over again. Walks are sparse, though I've made a goal to take at least one a day regardless of where I'm at. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are more mentally painful then I can handle. At least I try. The two dogs that were returned to us never learned how to walk on a leash, and with my inconsistency it has been a struggle teaching them. Especially since my main weakness with dogs is teaching them to walk, not pull, on a leash. I keep trying, but I haven't found the key yet.

So today I tried to walk Blaze (returned dog-photo) and we didn't go far. Mostly the walk was correcting her. My patience and tolerance were already thin and it becomes very frustrating when I would like to just go for a casual walk. Blaze wants to run and pull like Huskies do. She didn't get that name by accident. She did get out though and got to mark every blade of grass, so all was not lost. Even though she is the smallest dog at 57 lbs., she is a strong little thing. It can be physically demanding on me as my strength seems almost non-existent. Again, I did it. I know she enjoyed it for the most part. I could walk the dogs to the end of the street and back and they'd be happy just to get out for a minute. So it was worth it for her sake.

For me though, it is discouraging and almost disgusting. When I just had the 4 dogs before the other 2 came back, I was able to run between 2-4 of them (individually) and cover anywhere from 5-10 miles. It didn't matter how high or low I was, I did it. Somewhere, somehow, that all fell apart in pieces on the floor. Pieces I keep trying to pick up here and there only to drop them all over again when depression comes on. The constant stopping and restarting is the part that grinds on me. No consistency with anything. Everything I try to do is like that. Forcing myself to do certain things doesn't work either, that can be more mental anguish, then dropping the idea. I want to get back to where I used to be, to be more capable in the things that I do. I'm tired of always having to fight, all the time. Fighting was all I've ever done all these years to survive. Yet, here I am, another day, doing it all over again. When will it ever stop? Maybe it is time to just give in. Succumb. I'm tired of always having to push through and for what?? To do it all over again and again and again? The frustrations are endless. I wish I could see the gifts of the disorder, but for today this is all I have.

This is How I feel...

Today, Silver and I moped together.

The muddy road of life

I have felt rather flat and empty inside this past week where life has just built up and deflated my spirit. So I'm going to take a minute and vent.

The biggest one is my husband's job. It sucks. He is skilled way beyond this meaningless, crappy job, yet still does a superb job all for squat. He deals with moron after moron, comes home beat and exhausted and for what? To pay bills and be broke again? On the plus side, he never takes his job out on me. I really don't know how he does it, because I still learning how to do that.

After going off of Prozac and all anti-depressants the last year and half, my body is falling apart. I used to be able to do anything physical, run, lift, push, pull, move anything. Now it seems to be a chore to walk a dog. All those years of being numb from the medicine, now makes me feel like I've aged 10 or 20 years at times. My body doesn't seem to work like it used to and it has been a huge adjustment. I have really struggle this past year. I feel like I'm wearing a thick rubber suit all the time when trying to move. It really sucks. The plus side: I have less chemicals in my system, harming my body and though it has taken a lot out of me, very slowly I am healing.

I'm tired of being tired and running ragged. For about 6 weeks I was balanced or on a mania, now it's time for depression. I don't have the energy to fight through it. I keep moving forward but I don't see the point. I feel like I'm floating on quicksand. One move and down I sink. Or I just feel nothing at all. Blank. I've become more negative and more hopeless. I know it will pass, but I don't know if I even care at this point. Like after our warm spring turned cold, seems more like winter is coming than summer and it doesn't really matter much any more. Plus side: The animals. If I didn't have all these wonderful creatures in my home, I would never make it. They remind me there is life and love abound. Even if I can only take in a little at a time, they understand.

I know I should be focusing on more positive things and I'm not trying to bum anyone out, but this is where I am at. I don't seem to have much left in me to give more than I got. So you'll have to bare with me as I try to muddle through. Sometimes I hate time, because everything it seems to take so much of it.

Ducky Days

For the last two weeks I have been incubating a duck egg for the first time. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing that has tossed me into excitement, faith, anxiety, and insanity. It is teaching me the lessons of life and death and everything I fear in between. It has shown me that what seemed impossible has turned into the miracle of life and because the conditions are so delicate the possibility of death.

After about a week incubating, I was able to candle the egg, and see the first signs of life. (candling=box with small hole on top where egg sits, with a bright light inside box to light up egg and see inside) I was amazed and yet I kind already knew it was alive, don't ask me how. I candled again about 4 days later and was completely shocked and stunned at this little embryo "bouncing" back and forth. They don't tell you that in the books! It was really alive. Then yesterday checked it again, it was much bigger and really dancing in there. It started to creep me out. It was the most bizarre thing I'd ever seen and I was excited and freaked out at the same time.

This little guy is also helping me with healing from my past. I haven't journaled or blogged much because my schedule is now based on this egg. I've been getting less sleep because I have to turn the egg so the embryo doesn't stick to the shell. There have been a couple of scares with the temperature in the incubator that have sent me into full blown panic and extreme fears. The severity of these reactions stem from my childhood abuse. I know my husband has wondered more than once if bringing this egg home was a good idea because of the mental and emotional stress it has put on me. I have wondered the same thing and yet I am finding more answers from my past that are healing me even more. I believe the egg is a gift and this healing could only come from it. Placed in my hands just for this purpose and in return I give it a mommy. Besides there has to be a bigger purpose. The last thing I need around here is another animal! lol

It has been an amazing journey so far, we have around 2 more weeks to go before he hatches. I've named him Lucky. I know it's not very original, but it really fits. He's my Lucky Ducky.

p.s. I would have a photo but we lost our camera :(

Surrender

The difference of 24 hours. Yesterday was calm and stable, with the rain all day. Today I'm sinking into depression. I have given up as the fight has been too much. I have surrender to it. Overwhelmed with sadness and nothingness. I just don't have the heart to try today. I'm tired of fighting. Red flags have been going off for the last few days and I've been bypassing them. "If I ignore it, it will go away." Acceptance is the key. I can not change something I will not admit. I can not get rid of the monkey on my back if I don't acknowledge it is there. So I have sunk by not following the warning signs which in turns lessens my ability to use my coping skills more effectively. So I have to start from falling halfway down the hill, instead just slipping at the top of it. I will find my bearings. It is just going to take a little longer than I thought. Turns out MY way of handling it, didn't work. Oh, how I hate to surrender. Left with no choice. Though it is better this way. Pride hurts. Trying to do it all on my own. Last I check though, I don't have all the answers. So why do I think I do?

Healing rain

The rain fell today and my mind slipped into it's coolness. Out of all of the elements on Earth, water, in any form, is the most soothing and rejuvenating for me. It is comforting and protective, wrapping me like a blanket. I find it exhilarating and liberating, for it always has what I need. It is relaxing and gives a welcome peace from the blaring sun and my hair triggers for its light and heat. The rain has lasted all day and into the night. The relief is immense and powerful. A way to regain my strength for the next day. The healing energies pour and cleanse like a waterfall. I soak in the serene calm as the pooling energy flows through me. For it makes no difference where I am at, mania, depression, anxiety, fear, water always cools the fire within my mind and soul. I appreciate its power and its saving grace.

The level of exhaustion I have felt recently is beyond measure. The month of April was unlike no other. Honing in on my bipolar disorder as core issues about my child hood abuse have brought me to a dire need for mental rest.

Memories and flashbacks tied in with my thought process of my manias and depressions have begun to take their toll on me. It has all been good and productive and I am in need a long mental vacation.

Since going off Prozac a year and a half ago and all anti-depressants, I never realized how numb my mind and body were on these drugs. It has been challenging to say the least in learning how to operate and think without these medicines. I think there would have been an emotional and mental blockage if I had stayed on them. I am glad they were there when I needed them and now I'm glad I stuck it out to stay off of them. It has paid off.

I don't think the memories and revelations would have happened as they did at the time that they did. It would have taken longer for them to surface.

I can't remember the last time my brain was so active, as it was this past month. It was like a purge and I'm sitting now in this big empty room trying to get accustomed to the absence of power this room held. Like clearing out a closet that has my whole life crammed in it and suddenly I realized that I've tossed out everything. I've been so exhausted these last few days, I've had to lie down during the day. I don't really sleep, but fall more into different states of consciousness, where different pieces of my past flash and float by. I find myself wanting to hang on to them, like that special memento that I wish I'd never throw away. It isn't that I want to hang on to the past, but myself. I wake from these states lost and confused, not knowing who I really am or what I really am. A loss of identity, and all these pieces that make me who I am, what I believe, what I think,and how I see myself. I suppose aren't really lost or thrown away, more like I am seeing them from a different perspective with a different set of information than I had all my life. From this perspective, feelings and thoughts are proportioned different than before in regards to myself. There has been a lot of weight lifted off my mind with all these truths. I kind of like the way I'm heading. I think I'll start by painting the walls of this big empty room. It could use some color. My colors.

Walking through anxiety

I'm involved with a mentoring program through the local high school. I meet with my student once a week at the school during her lunch. This is my first year doing it, though it is something I have been wanting to do for quite some time. We are caring sounding board for teens who are struggling in one way or another. I always wanted to give something to someone that I didn't have.

High school was an awful experience for me and walking into one brings up all my self-consciousness and anxiety from the past. I always get there early to calm down and get my bearings. When I meet with her, I become very centered because of the good connection we have between us. We are an excellent match. Now almost a school year later, I find I am only uncomfortable walking through the halls, because of my confidence in what I am doing.

I have learned some excellent lessons and she has been part of my healing process since this all started. It has been said that though you are there to help them, you will probably get just as much if not more out of the relationship. We are there to plant seeds.

Today was an excellent example of that. After shopping for her birthday present I came home thinking I had the rest of the evening to myself. As I began to make my plans for the evening, I see the reminder on the calendar. Her band concert is tonight. I had completely forgotten about it. I already had my anxiety for the day running to town and was drained from my weekend of it, but I really wanted to go. And so began the cycle. The fear started to pulse within. I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my skin. I felt feverish. I could feel panic building as the minutes got closer and closer to leaving. There were going to be people. Too many for my comfort level in an enclosed space. God help me.

I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I walked in feeling my feet on the floor, which was a good sign, I was grounded. I ran up the bleachers close to the top. (Less people behind me) Timing couldn't have been better, it started within 5 minutes. I was focused on the concert, the music and remembering my own band days that I miss. I played the flute and piccolo, though if I had the guts I would've chosen the sax. There's just something too cool about the saxophone.

So I watched and listened and compared notes. Emotionally I was uncomfortable at about the same level as having to sit in bleachers for an hour and a half. A slight discomfort that was eventually going to come to end. It was plausible. It was also worth it. I swear I learn more about myself interacting with this girl than I could ever imagine. Things I'd never thought I do, risk I have to take,and trying something new when we visit...what can I say, it really is amazing. It makes me feel like I'm pretty amazing too. I keep walking through these anxiety attacks and keep searching for a way to handle them and facing my fears. Which is unnatural for me. I'm a runner. I take off at the first sign of fear. Just to look it in the eye is a big step, but to actually walk towards it...that's why I always having my running shoes on. lol

So this is pretty cool. Again, I am proud of myself. It's one thing when someone else notices your progress, it's a whole different ballgame when you see it yourself. I'm starting to like what I see and that is pretty darn cool.

Getting a grip on aniexty

This is the longest I have been away from my blog. My anxiety has steadily increased for the last 2 months and hit it's peak the last three days. My fear was holding on tight. Today it began to decrease and I'm feeling more stable.

When my anxiety was increasing so was my cigarette smoking. The more I smoked, the more my anxiety grew. I was practically chain smoking, especially on the computer. The last three days my smoking and anxiety were so bad, I was seeing stars when I would stand up and thought I might pass out. It was getting scary. I decided I needed to do something, as I've been on the fence about quitting, but I wasn't ready. Plus I don't think at this time going cold turkey would be a very good idea. So I cut back to one an hour, only smoking outside and keeping busy. Which helps my anxiety also. I felt like like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was such a good feeling. I'm really hoping this will lead to quitting for good. My husband and I are both ready.

I have been spending a lot of time with husband and facing my anxiety head on. Not really on a conscious level, but I still have to go grocery shopping and we went out to eat once. I was actually walking downtown and you wouldn't believe it...there were no cars honking at me or people shouting at me, and no one tried to run me over. lol (self conscious, anxiety that leads to panic and paranoia) It was great. Didn't stop my anxiety racing through my body of being seen in public and my high sensitivity to being in crowded places with lots of traffic, but I just kept focused on my husband. We even crossed a five-lane road and I could barely look at all the traffic whizzing by, but when he moved I moved. That's trust. I guess it was pretty cool. I always thought that when you face your fears that the fear would instantly go away because you were doing it. I felt my anxiety all day that day and only once did it slow down to a low roar, but it was always there and somehow today I'm still alive to talk about it. lol

So my anxiety hasn't gone away, it is just being a little quieter today than it has been. I'm enjoying the relief of it settling down for now. I am really proud of myself for going through it, finding some coping skills, and not turning into a puff of smoke. Didn't feel good going through, but it feels good now. I prove to myself every day that I am stronger than I think and that always surprises me.