CAN YOU SEE?

I LOOK AT YOU

CAN YOU LOOK AT ME?

DO YOU SEE?

CAN YOU FEEL THE PAIN

RIPPING THROUGH ME

OVER AND OVER AGAIN

DO YOU SEE?

IS IT POSSIBLE TO KNOW

THE EYES YOU SEE

ARE THEY MINE OR YOURS

WHICH ARE FREE?

THE LIFE YOU CREATED

AND BURNED IN ME

TORTURING MY SOUL

NEVER TO LET BE

HOW DOES IT FEEL

TO NEVER KNOW

THE LIFE YOU GAVE

WAS NOT YOUR OWN

CAN YOU SEE?

WILL YOU EVER SEE?

I'LL NEVER BE YOU

I'M ME

Simple blessings

My blood work for my liver and kidneys came back normal.  Good news.  It started me thinking more about my health and trying to take better care of myself.  Doing more of the things I should that I keep blowing off.  Never had any doctor suggest that maybe my organs were screwing up, so I was a little bit scared to say the least.  At least everything is OK, so that is a start. 

What I didn't find was a reason why I have been so down and out.  (Despite the obvious, I'm MANIC DEPRESSIVE, HELLO!)  I wasn't looking for anything really serious, but maybe an answer that something was out of whack and that was why I was.  Today I gave up on the idea of making myself feel better because no matter what I did or didn't do, I still felt depressed.  Simple as that.  I took care of all my housewife duties, the dogs, it made no difference.  I guess I should be grateful that I'm only slightly depressed and can still function.  Believe me, I've been so depressed before I couldn't do half of what I did today.  Nothing seemed to be able to change my mood.

                                          The Front Dogs

Then just before sunset, my two dogs that I call the "Front dogs" starting running like mad chasing each other at full speed and jumping off and around each other in a play fight.  It caught me off guard and I laughed at their silly, but serious antics.  These two fight with precision and focus.  It is like watching a martial arts fight.  They are both very skilled and committed.  It is an awesome spectacle, instantly lifting my spirits.

                                          The Back Dogs

If that wasn't enough, I went to play with the four "Back dogs" and they too started in a mad chase between the four of them.  They were a riot.  Zipping this way and that.  It was hilarious.  I swear to God they all spend too much time with me and can be as depressed as me, so to see this show they put on was just the icing on the cake.  It was fun, they were fun and I enjoyed the hell out of it. 

I know I don't have to look far to see what I have, I sometimes have these blinders on that block my mind to being open.  Doesn't make my disorder any easier and I tend to give up just before the miracle happens.  I'm glad I get reminders all the time of what I really have because it's really difficult seeing them through all this fog that I run into called depression.

Itch, Itch, Itch

Last Wednesday evening I became very itchy, especially from the waist up up.  I was scratching so bad it began to sting.  A few days earlier I'd been adjusting a sprinkler system, pumped with lake water and was drenched after about 3 hours of this.  I couldn't get the itching to stop and I felt like I was being bit or stung.  My first thought was fleas (6 dogs, 2 cats), couldn't find any.  Then I searched everything pest and parasite I could, nothing.  I took an oatmeal bath and found relief. I ended up making a doctors appt. on Friday, he thought it could be my liver or kidneys, as I no rash, or bumps or any signs of irritation.  (signs of kidney problems, itchy, no rash)  He wanted to put my on a steroid AND an antihistamine.  I had already ruled out taking the antihistamine, though I took the samples and filled the prescription and let it sit.  The anti-itch cream I was using was working.  IF it was my liver, and it was overtaxed, then why would I take more drugs to alleviate the problem??  Steroids induce the worse drug mania.  I was more than leery.  My husband was scared.  There is nothing worse than a drug induced mania for me.  It is severe and last for weeks and then trying to recover from it can take almost as long.  And yes the doctor knows this, if he took the time to look at his chart.  I opted not to take any of the medicine he prescribed.  The steroids were just for the itching and  if the cream was working and there was little else they could do, because we had to wait through the weekend for the blood test results.

So today, Sunday, I have went all day without any anti-itch cream.  There are a variety of host, number being nerves and stress.  I slept a lot this weekend, more than I have in a long time.  I sure I got something from the lake water, as it is infested with dead flies, which I wasn't thinking of at the time when I was running around having a blast with the sprinkler system.  And there is an anniversary I'd "forgotten" about that has to do with my childhood abuse.  I wasn't thinking about it, but some part of me never forgets and is always trying to get my attention to remind me.  I remembered.

Since the situation with my itching has been improving, my nerves are starting to calm down, and I didn't take any of those stupid drugs from the doctor, I think I'm going to have a pretty good week.

Just a Thought:  Just because a doctor says you won't have any interactions with your other medicines, be cautious.  Everyone is different and reacts differently with different drugs.  Trust yourself.  If you know that you have a reaction to a certain medication, then ask for something different or use extreme caution.  At the time I was willing to take the risk of taking the steroid,  because the itching was that bad.  It was bearable by the time I saw the doc, and I began to rethink if I really needed it.  Turns out I made it just fine without.      

Surviving the Edge

I have been dangling by a thread most of my life.  I heard this song, "Life on the Edge" by Eli the summer before I met my husband.  I was belting it out to God for help.  I have been unable to get a copy of it, but after 11 years and the miracle of the Internet, I found this video.  This song resonated everything about my life.  Everything I'd ever been through from my past to my disorder to dealing with the present day.  I struggle every day with something, like we all do.  Relief comes only to be replaced with another hurdle, another barrier, another wall to surmount.  Falling to the bottom of the hill and having to climb up it again.  And again.  And again.  These are the battles we all face in life and it is nice to know someone is fighting and feeling the same pain.  To not be alone.  Isn't that why we blog?  To connect with another human willing to share their scars and needs bandaging for their fresh wounds.  To understand and be heard.  Isn't that what every human wants?

The last verse is my favorite.  One line from it and one from the last chorus are the ones the really get me:

"The future won't be easy, but neither was my past." -Eli, "Life on the Edge"

AND

"Yes, I'm meant for more than this" -Eli, "Life on the Edge"

Those two lines grip me.  It's the truth and I believe it.  Simple, to point, yet powerful.  Just like that I'm back in control again.  Choosing how I want to live, who I want to be, and believing in myself.  If I try to capture how everything used to be, I will never move forward.  Things change, life changes and I don't know about anyone else but this is one scary ride.  Everything is new to me, I have nothing to compare it to.  Nothing.  I'm building everything from square one and I'm still trying to find the blocks to do it.  It is exciting too, creating myself to be who I want, not what I was in my past.  I'm just looking for answers like everyone else and I've got a zillion questions.  It's also scary moving forward and having no map, or directions, like feeling around in the dark of a rearranged room.  Some how, some way I keep moving.  No matter how many times I bash my head, I'll turn around eventually.  It's like when I walk the dogs, (or should I say when they walk me, lol) they always keep me moving forward and I just keep following them.  Doesn't matter that I'd like to start out at a leisurely stroll to warm up, they have decided already that we are doing a 40 mile/hour power walk.  I'm still never quite ready for that first bolt out the door, yet I've come to rely on it.  To keep me going, to keep me focused, to push myself to all those uncomfortable places I would never go on my own because I need it.  Like a swift kick in the ass, they force me to do what I normally wouldn't if I didn't have them pulling me along.  It brings about a perfect harmony.  I can finally let go.       

Believe

You've got to check out this video!! 

AT&T commercial "Rethink Possibilities


I have been connecting with my child within lately and this commercial has been part of that process.  I cry every time I see it.  It is beautiful and simple and I feel like hugging myself as hope blossoms inside of me.  It is so difficult to put into words all of the feelings of where I'm at in my life today.  Being able to actually unite and bond with childlike ideas and parts that have been excluded for so long.  Being able to believe in the magic and possibilities that lie inside me, beyond me and all around.  Incubating my duck egg was part of that childhood wonder and helped me to believe in the promise of that awe.  This commercial played continuously through that time period, lifting me and spreading great joy.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.  I never seem to tire of it.  There is an extended version also, but this is version I saw that grabbed me.  Peace.

Balance

  I feel like I'm beginning to move forward.  I continue to have more days and weeks of being balanced and stable and it feels like a strong anchor holding me solid.  I'm not shooting of into manias or spiraling down into depression.  There are just small dips and spikes and things feel right.  My emotions are in check, which is just a blessing.  To not fly off the handle at every hair trigger or be submerged in dark gloom of sadness, is an incredible feeling.  To not have my brain shaking with anxiety or racing thoughts plaguing my every move, is like being wrapped in secure love.  I feel like I can trust my thoughts and actions and they are properly proportioned with the situation or circumstances I'm in.  That is an excellent feeling.  I can really appreciate these kind of days.  I feel like I'm acting my age, instead of the abused girl who's suffered so much.  It is nice to have a clear mind, with focus and direction.  I don't know how long it will last, who knows how long anything will last, but like every day, I have today.  All that matters is today. 

Sunshine and Moody weather

The late great Alex, in the sunshine of dandelions. 

Sun.  Warmth.  What a difference 24 hours makes.  It was a great day.  I was able to hang out with hubby for the better part of the day and got a break from the house.  Like a knife cutting the darkness, the light finally shone through.  My moods are terribly affected by the weather.  The last few weeks of damp, chilly rain, heavy clouds matched my mood and began to become unbearable.  Like a heavy wet blanket trapping me to the cold, hard ground.  Usually I love the rain.  I find it calming and soothing, a reprieve of sorts.  I love to be in it, letting it wash all my cares away.  These last few weeks have been bone chilling rain with  heavy gloom hanging over my head.  I could seem to find no escape until today when the bright sun burnt away the chill and burst through the gloom in my heart.  I've never been more grateful for the sunshine than I was today. 

After a couple of weeks of sun, it too will begin to break me down.  It will feel like it is boring through me and scorching my insides.  I will struggle to find relief until the cool evening.  There will a normalcy though, it is summer and it should be hot or at least warm.  I will be able to cope with that, because that is the way it is suppose to be. 

I have always appreciated where I live and the changes in weather and seasons.  I've never liked the thought of places where the weather is consistent, too boring.  I need the changes and extremes because it fits my bipolar disorder just right.   One thing they say about where I live, "If you don't like the weather, give it 5 minutes, it'll change."  I think that also sums me up pretty good.

Damp brain

I thought the day would never end.  The weather was crap, AGAIN, cold and rainy and I felt about the same.  I've been feeling pretty run down lately and it has been chilly and damp for weeks now, which hasn't helped.

I didn't have much planned as the rain canceled most of them, which left me wandering around miserable.  I was going to take it easy today because I didn't feel good.  Halfway through the day guilt got the better of me, thinking I should do something.  Which only made me feel worse mentally because I really realized how bad I felt physically.  I never did accomplish anything, which just fed the sprial.  I didn't think night was ever going to fall.  Once it did, I felt like I could relax and give myself a break.

I felt bad about the dogs.  That's what started my guilt trip.  Things haven't been very fair to them the last few weeks with the rain either and they are all getting restless.  I don't blame them.  It hasn't helped that I haven't been much to them either with my depression and past memories.  I just haven't had the energy to do the things I usually do with them.  They are always so forgiving.  I wish I could be more like that with myself.  Baby steps.  I'm slowly learning.

So, before the day ended that today was a worthless day for me, but I have been able to let go a little bit of myself and chalk it up to another learning experience.  They also say it is suppose to warm and sunny tomorrow.  Cross your fingers. 

Depression of truths

One thing I have learned about my depression is that the deeper and longer it is, they hold the next secret to my past.  When I learn to stop fighting it, then the truth comes.  This was the case with this last round of depression.  Another nugget to add to my temple of truth.  Sometimes it is a direct memory, or flashback or revelation, or sometimes, like this time, it was just information. 

When I stop fighting my depression and ride the wave of it, I can let it take me to that place deep down to unlock the treasure box of memories and for the next one to surface.  Before I actually am able to let go, all of my feelings related to this chosen memory surface, along with the inner struggle to suppress.  Like fighting an undertow, my mind reels with emotions and self-protection whether I really want to know.  My subconscious has already chosen the memory and now it is a matter of the conscious to be in alignment with it.  This is when I take the dive and let myself be taken into the depths of my past and bring the memory out of the darkness and into the light. 

This process began the day I incubated my duck egg.  Little did I know the significance that day was going to play.  Incubating that egg brought up several nuggets of truth throughout it's life and after it's death.  Some of them rather substantial.  I had no idea that an egg could bring such healing wonders to my life and begin to change it in ways that could only be from God.  I have been told many times that everything happens for a reason.  I am beginning to see that more and more every day.

The sea of depression

It has been dark and stormy like my mood. I stand the edge letting the tide lick my feet. As it rises the need to resist bleeds through me into the now inviting sea. The inevitable has come as the waves beckon me to join the underworld. Unable to stop the gravitational force I am drawn into it's belly. I begin to coil inside of myself as the descend begins. Sinking further into the cold darkness, there is a comforting numbness of pain. The sea of sadness and grief swallows me and guides me to my inner self. Safe from the world that has become overpowering and daunting, I am protected. Secure. Knowing. Needing. When I finally surrender, it is my best friend.

The same wave that lifts me upon it, is also the same wave that pulls me under. When I really let go and learn to ride both of them with ease and freedom, they support my troubles and my triumphs. For the wave knows my deepest needs. When I listen and let it take me, I am following my soul.

Creating

Words were definitive and hard for me yesterday. They are so black and white and were too concrete for me to express anything. The day had been difficult for me on many levels and I struggle all day with situations that were finite. I had to get out of my box I was crammed in, so I pulled out the paints.

It was midnight, I was exhausted and nothing felt right. The music wasn't working and after two failed attempts, I was not connecting and was ready to give up.

I have only painted two paintings that I envisioned. I have never been able to do it again. I came to my canvas with an idea in mind, that was the problem. I scrap all the paint off, let go, set the music, and started with my first feeling. Blue for sadness. Then lead to red, for blood which meant life. Then white for God. When I added yellow, I connected.

When I let go of my ideas and any preconceived notions as to the how to's, the picture basically paints itself. Shapes and textures began to take form and I can see what I'm connecting to. I can see what it is inside of me that is that is trying to free itself. Like a butterfly from a cocoon. It is a visual of myself that I can not always see. It is a piece of my soul, in color, that I am tapping into and it guides me.

The finish product never compares to the actually experience of painting it. In the throws of creation it moves, it grows, it changes, it is alive. I revel in the beauty of the colors, the awe of creation and I never know how I actually do it. The strength, the belief, becoming who I am. Then as the moment fades and it begins to dry, it comes to end and all is still. Very still.

This morning I woke up and wanted to bust it up. I have been so angry lately at things I can not change. It looked childish and weak and it only has meaning to me. Which is exactly what I thinking of myself and I wanted to be rid of it. I could never do it, but I will put it away until I am able not to see the hate inside.

It is all part of my healing process and every one of them has been unique. It is painful for me to look at this painting and is a huge emotional risk to show you. But like ripping of a band-aid, I just need to do it. Thanks for sharing in my experience.

Edit: painting was removed by author.

childlike visions with words

When I really knew I was bipolar, I thought, take the meds, get better, end of story. I had no idea the inner struggles I would endure trying to be balanced. I some how thought it would just happen and life would be carefree and happy.

I thought the same type of thing when I got married and was free from my abusers, life was going to be great all the time. I had no idea about the inner turmoil that was to erupt trying to break free from clutch I'd been in all my life. Not that I expected that life was going to grant me a free ride, but somehow it would be easier to handle and I would instantly have all the tools I needed to make my life simpler.

How naive of me! lol I still have this notion in the back of my mind that I already lived through hell and back and it seemed to me that I shouldn't have to go through anything awful again in my life. Call it selfish or childlike, but I really believed I was being handed such a blessing with my husband that everything was going to be alright. Like life couldn't touch us anymore and I guess I believed with the trauma I suffered, somehow I was going to be protected from life. Things would just fall in our laps after all the hard work we put into it. lol OH silly, silly me. Honestly my trauma was so severe that even a nick or cut of life became an axe to the head. Only to be compounded by my bipolar disorder. The extremes of being high or low, anxious or depressed, loving everything or despising it. The constant shift was excruciating on top of the past pain, on top of current life, always pushing me down. Crushing me back into that box I keep fighting to get out of.

I didn't understand that life wasn't fair nor easy. It was hard and lonely and I had already lived that way before, why did I have to go through it now? I guess I thought I'd deserved a break. Hadn't I already suffered enough? Wasn't I doing the right things now?

Then I realize how far I've come. How many steps I've taken to get here, right here. Just the fact that I have the most awesome husband and animals in the world and they all love me. I've become better at recognizing when my mood starts to shift and why or when things from my past flare up. I'm actually so aware that I have words for them when before I didn't. I had such difficulty explaining how I felt or what was being triggered and I never had the words to do it. This awareness is AWESOME!! And to actually be able to vocalize how I feel or what is going on is incredible. I used to freeze or shut down when I tried to talk. Talking is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I could write and write and finally come to that answer, but to talk...that's a whole new ball game. Practice, practice, practice. (and a patient husband) My guard comes down a little more each day and when it flares up, I know that something is being triggered off and I can actually say to my husband, "My guard is going up because..." This is AWESOME for me. Instead of lashing out all over or shutting down all day, I can acknowledge it because I know what it is. That's just COOL! This is starting to work out in other areas also, not just my bipolar and my abusive past. I am simply blown away by it. Everything was so buried in me I didn't feel anything and if I did, I didn't know what it was and then try to talk about it...about what??? I didn't have words for it. I could maybe paint or write, but never say anything out loud. It didn't even have a form. How do you describe what a vaporous feeling or a huge big blob of one? Let alone be able to put a content to it. It's been like a huge connect the dot puzzle but first I have to find where the dots are. It hasn't always been easy, but to be here, right now, I'm realizing this is fun!! To actually be at a different place in life and having this cool growth happening as it has all along. It isn't always easy to see or feel, but it happens. I'm living proof.

HI!

Just peeking in to say "HI". Not much to say, just wanted to connect. It has been a long day and I'm doing OK and that feels pretty good. Hope everyone is doing good. Thinking of all of you. Blogging is a cool world.

Remember to live, because we can. Midnight Rainbow

How important is a label?

Somebody just wound me up as tight as possible and let me go! I'm completely buzzing everywhere. I've got to get off this computer and I can't seem to stop myself. I've been all over checking out blogs and forums and working on our dog blog and I can't stop. I gotta have more. I've been really stable, though sad for the last week or so and now like a rocket, I've shot off. I know I should stop and get things under control, but it's like a great drug adrenal rush, who wants to stop this feeling? I just want to revel in it like the good dope fiend I am. Feels so good to feel loose and free. Like that shot of rum that just makes you feel so damn good. Savor. Indulge. Like my brain is just fluid and a little sassy. I can roll my once stiff neck and I can move my once frozen shoulders. High on life. Possibilities. Hopes. Dreams. We are going to make them happen.

I went to a forum I rarely visit and had a huge flash of my psychotic past. Where I was in the beginning when I was hospitalized. I didn't really forget, but man, what a reminder. People just in the throws of life and the trauma of the psyche. How far I have really come. My first diagnosis was actually schizophrenia. And I was. Medications and therapy helped, but it didn't stop the abuse. Eventually after years of depression, things toned down and I was labeled with bipolar. That fit too. I still sometimes have hallucinations, visual and audible, but I have always attributed them to my abuse. I'm sure I could still be labeled a schizophrenic, I have the tendencies, because it doesn't really matter what the label was, it never changed the way I handled myself to heal. It really came down the abuse. Everything in my life has always come down that. There was never any way of ever getting around that, whatever you wanted to call me. How ever my brain functions or doesn't, I was never going to heal from anything until I healed from that. So through all this crazy talk and thoughts, that's what I do. That is my job EVERY DAY to undo what them F****** did to me. That train hasn't stopped. Some days I may have to sit at the station and let different passengers on and off or wait for repairs, but I just keep on trucking. Or is it training? lol

I'm sure I fit into every psychotic disorder they got. I hold a few of them proudly. They were just a means to way of getting out of all that shit. Look who's laughing now?! They couldn't hold me then and they can't hold me now. Adios Mother F******!

Pain falling

For the last couple of days, I have been still. Wondering about purpose. What is the purpose? Does what you do really matter? Why did I care for an egg that never hatched? Why did the person I mentor, smile and lie to me, then throw me away like trash? Time and energy invested, what did it really matter? What purpose did it really serve? Will I ever really know?

My dirt came for my garden. I didn't really care, but I went out anyways. While we were getting things set, it started to sprinkle and I felt my spirits lift. I love being in the rain. I felt a renewal, maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

My husband left and I began to spread this massive pile of dirt as it conitued to sprinkle. The hope left and the mental pain of loss began to set in with every move I made. I delved into the pain. I felt it. I let it wrap around me and dove into it with every shovel and rake and wheelbarrow full. The rain steadily increased. I faced it, I didn't fight it nor did I try to elude it. I let it fill my being and show me its existance. I wasn't overwhelmed nor afraid, I accepted it. I accepted the pain I was in while I worked non-stop. I was not angry or sad by it's presence, I welcomed it and I believed in it. Pain tells me something is wrong. That I have been hurt and I acknowledged it. I didn't sink in depression nor did I numb myself to it, I believed in it. I didn't front it off and ask why me, I flowed with it. Letting it take me where I needed to go. I raked and shoveled and emptied the wheelbarrow. The rain fell harder and harder.

When I had finally went as far as I could go, I was completely drenched, the rain was falling hard, I put the tools away and went out back with the dogs for a minute. That's when the downpour started and I stood quietly in it. That is until the dogs politely informed me that another minute more and they would start to melt. They didn't believed a word of me when I told them that, they were hardly that sweet. To play along I took them inside anyways.

Soup on the stove, rain pounding the roof, I wasn't sure what I felt, but I went through it. I took pain's hand and followed. The rain meant I wasn't alone in feeling my pain. For that I am grateful.

Void

A void. A deep spacious hole where all the black passes through. Another loss. Circumstances beyond my control. It is not death, but it is an end. I have tried to fill the hole with music, TV, cleaning, the dogs, yet there it sits gaping open. It is another mystery of the universe being put in a position in my life that leaves me holding this seemingly empty bag and wondering why it all happen. I saw it all coming like a train wreck for weeks now, today was the crash. What seems to be the end of a relationship and all I've been is there for her. Sometimes that is more than people can handle, someone who actually cares. It too much for them to bare. Yet, I know how that feels. I have been there many times with my husband when love is just to painful to receive. Understanding doesn't repair the hole, it creates a vacuum. Couple with the loss of my little ducky, I'm not sure about much at this point. I feel very exposed, lost, empty, unsure, and scared.

Time will take care of some of it. Prayers will help too. It's the in-between of one day at a time, one step at a time that is shaking my footing. I don't feel manic or depressed or really anywhere in the middle. I just feel very still. Very quiet. I have a feeling I will for a while.

My nature friends

I'm usually pretty clear cut on what I want to write about. A topic, or event, or feeling that just strikes and let's me know that is it. Today I feel a little more lost than usual. Death will do that. May not seem like much to some, a duck that didn't hatch. Just throw it away and try again. I don't think that way. Animals are not disposable nor are they replaceable. I'm invested in them until the end. They are a part of me, like my arm. They've always been there when there was no one. A living, breathing, loving creature that cared for me when no one did. I have learned to speak their language when I wasn't allowed to talk. I understood them and they understood me. There is no greater bond then with an animal.

I have always studied and observed. Read and watched anything I could to understand even further their make up and behaviors. I would do anything for them and I respect them as beings with place and order in this world. I have devoted my life to believing in them, because they believe in me. Until I met my husband, there was no one that even thought an ounce about me, let alone believed in me.

The duck egg was a long shot from the beginning. The fact it made it as far as it did was unbelievable. And only through candling the egg did I actually see the living being inside. I was amazed every time I looked at it at the miracle of life. That egg held the key to a part of my healing that could only come from it, even after it's death. No different than the healing powers of my dogs, cats and duck. Not to mention all the other wild animals I encounter and have the pleasure of seeing. Birds, snakes, rabbits, squirrels, foxes, deer, wolves, possums, raccoons, ducks, fish, swans, geese, toads, frogs, and even insects like spiders, dragonflies. bees and butterflies, just to name a few. Even if I only see them for a second or two it is a blessing and lesson from God that I cherish. The incredible friends of nature that I am have made along my journey that have helped me every time I needed it. The spiritual connection is there and opens my eyes every time.

Somehow the miracle of that little duckling gave me an inner strength I didn't know I had. An inner reconciling of differences. There is only one being that could have known all that would happen with that duck egg. That I would find the gift amongst the tears. I believe my little duckling is still with me in spirit to help me carry it out. Thank you Lucky.