Tuesday, August 31, 2010

REJUVENATION


My brain can finally breathe. 
It has been given a time to rejuvenate. 
A chance to repower and replenish the mind and soul. 
Fuel the energy that has been sitting stagnate. 
Freedom for my thoughts to run rampant, like a child through the fields.
The cleansing breeze rinses my thoughts clear.  
New ideas to ponder and let run through my hair. 
Sunshine burst through the cracks and blast down the barriers. 
Music ebbs and flows around me like a river, saturating my soul. 

Crawling out of the tombstone of the past.
I am being
the present
Alive.  Here.  And ready.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Choice about Meds

I have been on psychiatric drugs for just over 20 years.  During this time being part of the mental health community I have never been given any other choices to alternative methods, except medication and therapy.  There is much controversy over the effective long term use of psychiatric medication.  There are also dangerous side effects that can be debilitating and cause more severe symptoms than the original disorder or illness. 

I have quit my medications cold turkey several times, due to the fact I didn't believe that I was bipolar or depressed.  I am able to go a year and half without medication before becoming hospitalized.  I would believe for a while, start getting help and then at some point would decide I didn't need the meds and would go off them again.  This was during a period when I was alone and "handled" everything in my head.  I was also still being abused during this time which more than likely played a role in going off my meds also. 

When my husband and I were married, we abstained from sex after learning the drugs would be dangerous if I got pregnant.  For a while we did want to have children, so after 3 months of abstinence I weaned myself off the drugs, (without consulting a doctor) until about a year and a half later I was in a tailspin of mania that ending with me jumping in a 40 degree lake, "to just going for a swim."   I had been clean and sober for this entire period and when the reality of this episode hit me, I finally realized I AM bipolar.  I began drug treatment again, for which I was very grateful for. 

I've been off of Prozac (anti-depressant) for almost two years.  It was not a decision I took lightly nor impulsively.  I went back and forth making a decision for two years.  Anti-depressants I found rarely worked on any long term basis and I heard several reports about Prozac's violent side and was never comfortable being on the drug to begin with, yet I was still cautious with my decision. If I was going off Prozac, I was going off of all anti-depressants.  Since I was still going through depression on Prozac, I was beginning to learn how to cope with it.  In the process of making this decision I was beginning to accept my disorder and began to get serious about taking my meds as scheduled along with vitamins and learning to take better care of myself. All of these decisions would play a key role for when I was ready to wean off of Prozac.

What I was not prepared for was the withdrawal symptoms of Prozac. When I went cold turkey before I didn't remember feeling anything because I was in my drug addiction at the time. This was all new to me and I was still on two other mood drugs. I had almost a year of "down" time, so to speak.  It was difficult to move and think.  I kept wishing I could find some information on what I was going through, I didn't even have a name for it at the time.  It wasn't until this past spring that I found Beyond Meds who speaks about withdrawal from psychiatric drugs that I found someone I could relate my symptoms with.  Beyond Meds also has information about about a wide scope of studies about psychiatric practice and how it is beginning to change. 

I believe you must do what is comfortable for you.  To know when and if YOU are ready to make that decision with your doctor about staying or going off your meds.    My decision about going off Prozac and other anti-depressants was made with my doctor.   It should not be an impulsive one, give yourself time to really think it through and do the research.  I found it was difficult to find actual medical information on drug withdrawal, but there are plenty of forums and blogs that can help you through and help you understand.  There are others who've made the same decision are going through themselves or have already been there.  I believe you need to know yourself inside and out because it isn't an easy battle, but it is well worth it.  I hope when the time comes I will be able to remove another one of my meds from the list, but for now I know I'm not ready and I'm OK with that.  The idea is floating around, when the time is ready, then I will be ready.         

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Gift of Depression


I receive a weekly newsletter from PsychCentral that I sometimes give a look over.  It has links to articles and blogs about mental health wellness.  Today I read Unwrapping the Cryptic Gifts of Depression, asking about if depression can be a "gift."  This is the second related article I have come across wondering if depression can actual be a blessing or if we are able to find a gift in it.

After fighting with depression most of my life, I would argue that depression is more like a huge parasite that sucks the life out of my brain, leaving me to fend for myself.  The deep, dark vortex that traps me could never be considered an ally.  Not wanting to live for most of my life has never been a comfort. 

It hasn't been until recently, that I became aware that my bipolar symptoms were a result of my past childhood abuse.  Trauma so severe it rewired all of my brain circuits due to the damage I had suffered.  For as long as I can remember, I have always been depressed.  There may have been a few blips of happiness, but for the most part I was in the pit of depression.  I didn't start having manic episodes until my early twenties and still those were few and far between.  I lived depression. 

With this awareness of my bipolar and childhood operating under the same guise, I began to see my symptoms much different.  Depression isn't a disease or separate entity that takes over my brain, even though it feels like it. I've come to recognize it has been my coping skill all along to keep me safe.  It is how my brain processed all this horrible information of what was happening to me and protected myself from it in order to survive.  Eventually the system became overloaded and I began to remember bits and pieces from my past.  Which brings me to where I am today.  Depression has become a tool in order to retrieve that information.  I can tell by the length of the depression and way it feels that a memory is about to surface.  I still fight it and I try to get out of it until I find I don't have the eneregy to fight anymore and I give in.  It is  this surrendering that takes me to all the sadness, grief and anger where I find my answer.  Another painful piece of the puzzle that my brain has prepared me to feel and accept.  It prepares me for the truth of what happened and makes it so I can handle it.  Every memory sets me free from it's chains and I am able to grow and heal a little more.

It has taken years to reach this stage in my life where I find a gift in depression.  Is it pretty?  No, it still feels like depression though now my depression has soften.  The edges aren't so jagged and the pit isn't as deep and isn't the black of death.  It has moved into this fluid state of feeling lost and alone, like moving through water.  Water is a healing source for me, so even if I'm treading in the middle of the ocean for days, I'm in the middle of healing.  It is all part of a process. So if I'm asked whether there is more to depression, does it have healing powers or is it a gift?  I would say yes.  It has been for many years, I just wasn't able to see it before and each time I go through it has been proven it's healing powers to me be over and over again.        

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My Handyman

My husband is an expert at fixing, repairing, remodeling, you name it he can do it.  What professionals have called impossible he has been able to accomplish.  He is constantly thinking and hashing out everything to it's finest detail in order to make something work.  He is meticulous about detail and structure and usually what he builds is the strongest, most durable thing in the house.  He constructs everything to last the test of time.  With all of his knowledge and painstaking tries, he is unable to stop the pain I go through.  He has been through all of it with me.  Every depression and mania and every memory that surfaces from my childhood abuse, yet he can not bring it to an end.

I know he feels helpless at times as I stubbornly must do this myself.  I have to struggle through this cocoon and with my new wings on my own.  I have met very few people who have been through what I have, most actually never survive to tell of it.  I have been breaking new ground just by not being abused anymore, let alone actually remembering and recovering from it.  I've been controlled by my abuser from every angle of my life and I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet when I'm ready.  If there is one thing I love about my husband it was on our first date when he told me he would never make me do anything I didn't want to do.  I've heard those words a thousand times before, he was the first one who didn't lie about them.  Those words still hold true today.

So as I have fought to be me and find out what that means, my husband has fought through it with me.  He just can't do it for me.  I know that if were given the choice he would.  I know he doesn't understand why in the bleak of depression, when I'm surrounded with all of this love, that I can still be depressed.  I rarely have an answer for him.  I can't explain it myself.  It is painful for both of us.  Sometimes I can catch it and change it before the downward spiral sucks me under, but there are many times it takes me there before I can stop it, like a bullet train to hell.  He is always there for me, but ultimately it is up to me to go through it.  I think even if I could give my depression to my husband and let him take it all away from me, I wouldn't.  I would never want him to suffer like I have and I know that's why he wishes he could save me from all my pain and misery.

I am so blessed to have found him and married my best friend.  For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, Forever and ever. Amen      

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Finding the calm



Yesterday was such an emotional day.  Anger, sadness and grief seemed to just take a hold of me and threw me against the wall.  There are still little pieces swirling around and they should be, I have a right to feel them.  I just don't want to go under after working so hard to climb this wall of being bipolar and my childhood abuse.  Somedays I feel like all I've got to hang on to is this thin thread that's ready to break.  While other days I stand on the solid Eath and it supports me. 

My "want" to do something, ANYTHING, overrides me sometimes.  I was after proof of what was done to me.  So I wasn't the only one with all the crazy thoughts and after fleshing it all out last night, there is really nothing I can do.  I would only cause more harm to that person and me and the that is the last thing I want to do.  So I must stand against my demons alone and fight the darkness.  Sometimes I just wish someone knew what I was going through to help me out. 

My feelings and emotions are in tact and proportioned evenly.  My mood is stable and calm, though every once in a while I feel the sadness hanging in the balance and I hurt.  Then I move on.  I find I am processing things at a much quicker rate than before.  Manias and depressions used to last for days or weeks or months before I might have a day of being level.  Now it is almost the opposite, though depression always seems to weave in and out.  It's a good feeling.  Sometimes I don't realize all that I've accomplished in such a short time, but today I do. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The razor

I feel like I don't have anything to say.  I have a million thoughts running around my head, but when I sit at the keyboard, I go blank.  The depression is mild, but it is still depression.  It teeters between sadness and grief.  It makes me feel like everything in my life is pointless.  My desire to anything is low and when I do something, it is mentally painful.  There is no enjoyment even in the things I love to do.  My body is struggling to function.  I took my dog Brut for a walk and my legs felt like broken sticks trying to move.  On top of that, I was screaming at myself in my head of how sick I am of everything.  I'm sick of depression and having fix everything in my life that happened to me in my childhood.  Not to mention having to take that responsibility when no one is taking it for what they did to me.  I'm sick of feeling great and everything going fantastic and then plummeting into a hole struggling for life.  I'm tired of getting my life on track and making progress to then feel like somebody grabbed me by the throat and is holding me back.  I saw an example yesterday of how I could have ended up, in a lifeless, controlling marriage that is beginning to destroy her mind and I still can't shake the destruction of what humans to do each other.  Over and over again I have witnessed the brutality on a fragile mind.  When is it going to stop?  Isn't anyone getting tired of the pain?  In this world it seems all we do is bring on shame to rise above our own.  There seems no end.  Doesn't anyone care anymore?  What gives anyone the right to take another person dignity or the right to be who they are?  And why do we let them?  Why is it so easy to steal?  I'm tired of all the hopelessness, suffering and cruelty.  The damage is done, it has already been done.  Finding the hope is the hard part.  The pain never stops.

Life sucks and yet it's amazing beauty and grace surrounds us.  How can that be?  I can step out into this magnificent world and be trapped in a whirlwind of misery.  The exquisiteness sometimes cuts deeper than the pain.  Yet there it stands before me, above me and around me while I lay bleeding from my infested wounds.  Its majesty unable to comprehend.  I suffer for what someone did to me while make their tea and smile.  While my gashes of depression suck me into a vortex of blackness, they catch the evening news.  And while my brain pushes and pull apart, they are able to say, they did all they could twisting the knife a little more to the right.

More revelations about my past that cut to core today.  That have brought on my depression for the last few weeks and confirmed what I already knew.  Killing another little piece of me.         

Friday, August 13, 2010

SHAME AND DEPRESSION

I have always heard that depression is a chemical imbalance and I believe it is.  What about it being a thinking imbalance?

Yesterday I was depressed and my thoughts were I AM worthless and empty.  Today I FEEL sad.  What is the diffence between yesterday and today?  It is like the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt is I FEEL bad because I did something wrong.  Shame is I AM a bad person and I AM wrong.  I think shame is a big part of my depression.  I've discovered they go hand in hand. 

All the lies I was programmed to believe as I child became my truths.  The core being I didn't deserver to live and my existance caused others pain so I was punished for being a disgrace to this world.

This was how I felt yesterday.  A weakness surfaced, a flaw in my cahracter and it began the downward spiral of what a horrible wrong person I AM.  How I should cease to exist and I did that for the day.  The weight of their lies barrelling down on me, like a predator closing in on its prey. 

Today I reconginized the trap.  I jerked my head out of the jaws just before it clamped down on me.  Today I FEEL sad.  Not I AM a sad, worthless person.  What a difference.  This puts my feelings and thoughts back in perspective, making things simple and clear. 

This excess shame is the core of my depression.  It isn't the feelings of anger or sadness that weighs me down, it is the self defeating thoughts that accompany these feelings.  I AM worthless.  I AM a horrible person.  I DESERVED what they did to me.  I don't DESERVE to live.  Little pieces of shame that build upon one another until I am smothered by them.   

I'm tired of apologizing for myself, for being who I have a right to be.  I've been chipping away at that shame and it has been working.  I've been able to see more and more, I am a human who makes mistakes and I am learning from them.  If I catch the shame before it gets me than I don't have to plummet into depression, just by reconigizing and stating what I am feeling.  A feeling can't hurt me, but shame kills. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Low End of the Totem

Even though I have been stable, the ebb and flow of bipolar still exist.  I have been struggling with the low end of it.  It isn't the bottomless sinkhole it used to be, it is more like lying in the ditch.  It doesn't seem to be about one thing, it is little pieces of everything.  The grind of this heat and humidity that leaves everything in a stand still for one.  I have tolerate summer better than ever this year, but I will always be a fall and winter girl.

Having nine animals can be a bit trying on my patience.  When I'm interrupted for the 15, 000 time that day to let someone in or out, it is difficult not to.  Even on a good day, I want to scream.  For some reason yelling from the other side of the house, "Just a minute" holds no merit with them.  I started this when Brut was a puppy, almost 4 years ago and still I continue to do it.  No, I haven't learned a thing.  :)

The heat has them down and out also.  They are all part snow dogs.  None of them like the heat, but 3 of them have no tolerance for it.  It makes for a long day and night.   Especially since our nights aren't cooling down like usual, something we've come to depend on.

So we are all a bit depressed.  I've lost my desire to do much of anything.  Tired of always having  to accept everything whether I like it or not.  Tired of things I can't change.  Tired of all the responsibility.  Tired of taking care of myself so I don't slide too far to the right or left.  Sometimes I just want things to get better RIGHT NOW, like waving a wand and sometimes I wish everything would just go my way.  Then there's the feeling of being lost and feeling out my brain as it learns to function again and I don't know what I want.        

There's a saying that I hate hearing, but is so true, "You are right where you are suppose to be right now."  UGH!!  So I'll keep plucking along because there's another one that says, "This too shall pass."

  

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Web of Life

The edge of the giant web. 
Stretching from the plant to the Coke glass

My morning started out very interesting.  My husband was mumbling in awe about a spider web, from the ceiling to the table.  I'd just woke up, figured he meant a strand of a long web, and went back to bed.  When I woke up again and discovered what he was so intrigued about, it stopped me in my tracks. 

A web that was half the size of my kitchen table.  Before I even saw all the little spiders hanging out of the ends of their creation, I saw my pack of cigerattes and lighter "trapped" underneath this giant web. I had to go underneath the web to reach them, and that was when I saw all the little workers who made this happen.  My guess is that they were babies testing out their skills.


Although you can't see it, it stretches from plant to red box all the way to both chairs
 Most of the spiders were hanging out in between the two chairs. 

The irony of my smokes being trapped in this gigantic web being guarded by these little monsters, goes back to a Native American belief that when you see a spider it means change.  Most of the time I have interpret it to me inner change, depending on the circumstances and when the spider shows up.  Though sometimes it can mean a change in your life.  In some of my darkest hours I have seen a spider when I least expected it and have hung on to the hope that things were going to get better.  Even if it was just a little bit. 



They were the instruments to show me that my prayers were heard.  This was just the beginning.  As with everything in my recovery process, it has been a slow and natural process.  This was just the way God chose to share with me, to let me know that He was preparing me.

At first I was excited, God was going to show how to quit smoking myself to death.  Then I got scared, there are about 30 baby spiders all sprawled out on my kitchen table!!  Then I was reassured.  I have followed this spider belief for many years, there was a reason they are all here.

I have worked all day with different light trying to catch a shot of the web.  There's no solid background, just my messy table.  The web is like that of a cobweb, very fine and loose and from most angles you can't see it at all.   It is very interesting to say the least.

I don't plan on keeping them, lol, and I let them all outside, some one by one.  We have a "No Kill Zone" for spiders.  Maybe the word got around.  :)      

 









Monday, August 9, 2010

Tidbits of summer


I know for many summer is far from over, but here August is the last of it.  I saw trees already starting to turn colors, if that gives you any idea.  

I am still in a state of awe that my childhood issues are wrapped up and my bipolar symptoms leveled out.  I still feel like I am on a different planet sometimes.  After so many years of torment from both, it has been very different and strange and wonderful and scary all at the same time.  It has been like experiencing fresh, soft, green grass on my bare feet for the first time, when all I've ever walked on is nails.  How do you describe that sort of feeling?  I know that it feels so good, I'm almost afraid to move because there's no way that the next step could be as good.  When I find it is usually better.

Every spring I have had what I call, "spring sensations," which consist of an extreme mania and physical and mental memories from my past.  Both are quite extreme and both are equally as painful.  This was the first spring I didn't experience them.  This summer was the first I had very mild cases of it.  One of the main sensations is this feeling of everything being out of place, as if the world rearranged itself.  These "summer sensations" were happening as I experience this world new world from a completely different mental vantage point.  There was more than once that I felt lost and confused.  It was the dogs, my home, and talking to my husband that kept me grounded.  And lots of prayers.  Parts of my day were "normal," other parts were just strange and unusual.  It is the longevity of being mentally stable that throws me for my biggest loop.  I have never had more than a day or two, of what I would consider being stable.  This has been a couple of months.  That's a huge record. 

My grief comes and goes.  Something else that is new.  I have taken time out of my day to just grieve and then will carry on.  Before it would hit me like an anchor and sink me to the bottom.  Today I took a couple different times out of my day to pay tribute and was able to let go.  So much different than plummeting into the pain and sorrow that would normally hold me for days or even weeks.  Today was simple and made for a productive day. 

It has been such a journey and some day I hope to put all down in words.  When the time is right, I will.        

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Quiet tears


The last few days have been more emotional for me.  At first I couldn't seem to figure out why, until today.  An anniversary of a death is close.  The beginning of fall-like weather brings me the reminder.  My grief has been in small segments throughout the last couple of days.  I have been through many stages of grief over the years with his death.  Today, I just miss him.  I don't want to change anything, he is where he is suppose to be. I just wish I could hold him one last time.  That is all I really want. 

I share my feeling and desires with him and I will feel him close to me.  I have felt him guide me and protect me and seen him smile down on me.  For he knows the secrets of heaven are within my grasp.  The loving never stops.  Missing him surfaces like a gentle wave every so often that slowly recedes. I see his love for me in the eyes of my dogs everyday as the love continues on.  I am never really without him, but for today, I miss him, as I remember him.

I love you A.    

Friday, August 6, 2010

Summer summerize


I can't believe it is August.  Around here that means summer is almost over.  There will be spurts of hot days, but you can already feel summer fizzling out.  This has been a very different summer for me in many ways.  For one I've been able to tolerate the heat better and have been more active outside than in recent summers being on Lithium.  Also the more I'm out in the sun during the summer the less depressed I am in the winter.  So this should make for an interesting winter. 

I've begun to notice another change in regards to the weather, I use to not be able to tolerate the sun's glaring blaze and would long for cloudy or rainy days to get a break from it.  I still love the rain, nothing will ever take that away, but I've found on cloudy days I'm down and wishing for the sun.  Now that's a real different turn for me.  I'll be stuck inside enough when winter comes, so for now I'm enjoying the outdoors as much as possible.  Which is a huge turn around from waiting for summer to get over so I could enjoy the snow. 

After going through letting go of my childhood abuse and everything coming full circle, I was lost with what to do with all of my "extra" time.  This big empty space in my head that I didn't know what to do with is starting to fill with all kinds of good things.  Slowly I began to find all kinds of things to keep busy and with my mood stabilizing it has been easy to get things done and keep up on them.  I have so many things to do it is hard to find where to start!  I still have this feeling of wanting to do everything.  EVERYTHING!!  It feels great to be alive. 

My mood being stable.  Those are four words that I never thought I would ever think let alone say.  It has been an incredible journey.  I still have my crappy morning attitude and it takes forever to get myself going, but once I do, LOOK OUT!!  I also still have this block of time in the early evening when I get down, but slowly I rev back up again and the rest of night goes great.  I feel like I'm spending more quality time with the things I do.  Whether it's the dogs, or my husband, or just things around the house.  I feel fully engaged emotionally and while not everything always works out, I'm still feeling all my feelings and not going off the deep end.  It is really a great feeling.  Sometimes I really have to stop and realize how far I've come and believe me it's been a long way. 

Hope everyone out there is having a great day or night, where ever you are.  Cheers.  ~Midnight

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Power of Music: Part 3

After attempting suicide, fear and paranoia lead me to phase out Metallica for a brief period and I was introduced to another group.  Nine Inch Nails, (NIN).  While Metallica was singing about life as if it was their own, (my interpretation), NIN was personal, straight from the gut experiences and I felt every song Trent Reznor was singing was for me, about me, and around me.  We could've been twins.  He mastered this  retched, raw talent early in his career.  There was a sense of equality in his pain that he portrayed and he bled it from every pore.  He struggled with God through his albums and I understood that level of mistrust, because I had it.  Everything he sang was in first person and the amount of suffering was immense.  The music was intense and had style and class. It was very refined and carefully skilled.  It was unlike anything I'd ever heard before.  It pulsed and cried through several layers upon layers of sound. There are hidden sounds you may not hear for years unless you really listen.  He whispers through parts that are also difficult to catch and understand, but they are there.  Just like my life all those secrets that no one ever knew, he had them too.  The mood he created in his expression, in my opinion was and is unsurpassed.

He does instrumentals and sad, painful songs that when all is lost, he feels the sorrow too.  His emotions are intense, gut wrenching, honest and angry.  Powerful and lost.  Sad and excruciating.  I understood.  He spoke the words I was forbidden to create.  He screamed the torture that had been crammed down my throat.  He expressed in lyrics and music what I had longed to be able to.  I was aching, bleeding for someone to share my agony with someone, instead he shared it with me.  He spoke of death, something I longed for, for I needed a way out of this anguish.  I listened and I understood.  I knew what every note felt like, I had been there.

This love affair has been going on for 20 years and one I hold close to my heart.  For what Metallica begun by starting to dig at the reasons for my feelings and emotions, NIN expressed them for me.  I might not have made it through my life without these beliefs to hold me together.  For there is also hope in his music.  A sliver of hope that I bound myself to for dear life that helped me make it to this moment in time.  You can't put a price tag on that.

As with Metallica it is difficult to pick out one song that fits everything about NIN and me.  Though I always hold dear to what is his classic and the first one I heard, "Head Like A Hole."  When my abusers were getting the best of me, whether then or now, this song simply puts things back in perspective.

 I also have a link to the song.  Nine Inch Nails, "Head Like A Hole"      

Chorus from NIN, "Head Like A Hole" from the album, "Pretty Hate Machine."


head like a hole
black as your soul
i'd rather die than give you control
head like a hole
black as your soul
i'd rather die than give you control


bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve
bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve

         

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Power of Music: Part 2

Listening to Judas Priest lead the way for finding other heavy metal groups.  When I stumbled on to Metallica, I thought I had found my god.  Their heavy beat awoke the emotional coma I'd been in for 20 years.  The immense pain, the injustice, and the sorrow they play and sing about resonated to the core of my being.  Someone finally understood what I was going through and feeling.  Some one got me.  It was like they were in my head pulling out every word, every note and explaining my feelings and thoughts in that secret place I had hidden away.  I became obsessed, as I do with most music, but this grip on me was like finding someone who was going through the same thing.  Alone in this world, Metallica became more than just a good group, they became my ally.  Helping me fight through, giving me a reason to understand.  They help me with my buried anger I didn't know I had, but that I had every reason for.  They became like a drug, giving me the release I'd longed for from my life of pain and misery.  The power of being able to tap into that pain and anger started an unraveling of understanding.  All I'd ever wish for in my life was to be understood.  Metallica understood.

I have several of their albums and still listen to them.  They have as much meaning today, if not more than back then.  I don't know that I could tell you an absolute favorite song or album because they all are to me.  I don't think I could pick out a line or lyric that sums what I feel, because they all fit.  Metallica gave me a truth that I have never experienced, from every word to ever guitar solo.  Truth in the hollows of pain, exposing it from the depths.  Exploding with an honesty that I was desperate for, aching for and was on the brink of death for.  All my pleadings for truth were finally being answered.  One band gave me that. 

When we think we don't make a difference in others lives, think again.  One heavy metal group gave me the tools to believe and to understand myself.  One album gave me a relationship with myself in order to begin the healing and 20 some years later still does.  They were singing for me.  Whether they meant it or not, their songs stung into the pain and took bites out of it, because they shared it with me.  I didn't have one friend who was willing to come close to that.  No human would touch the untouchable, but Metallica did. 

Except from:
Metallica, "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)"

WELCOME TO WHERE TIME STANDS STILL
NO ONE LEAVES AND NO ONE WILL
MOON IS FULL, NEVER SEEMS TO CHANGE
JUST LABELED MENTALLY DERANGED
DREAM THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT
I SEE OUR FREEDOM IN MY SIGHT
NO LOCKED DOORS, NO WINDOWS BARRED
NO THINGS TO MAKE MY BRAIN SEEM SCARRED

SLEEP MY FRIEND AND YOU WILL SEE
THAT DREAM IS MY REALITY
THEY KEEP ME LOCKED UP IN THIS CAGE
CAN'T THE SEE IT'S WHY MY BRAIN SAYS RAGE

SANITARIUM, LEAVE ME BE
SANITARIUM, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE