Monday, January 10, 2011


I crashed into a depression that was serious enough for me to consider the hospital and/or medication.  (I've been off anti-depressants for just over 2 years now)  Looking back it has been slipping in and I ignored the warning signs.  Everything snowballed from this past year and I had a breaking point with my last memory, that eventually threw me over the edge.  Most importantly, I wasn't talking about it.  I wasn't writing about it.  I was making no effort to communicate and it had me back into a corner I couldn't get out of.  My thoughts were too heavy and dark to share and I just kept reacting to them.  I had put myself in a mental position that no one was safe to share these thoughts with, including myself.  I was in a state of continuous rage.  I HATED EVERYTHING.  I knew something was wrong, but that it was so wrong I was doomed forever.  And of course I deserved it, so there was no fighting it. 

I didn't want to live any more.  I didn't want to die.  I didn't want to kill myself, but I had visions of death.  I was so boxed in and I had no fight left.  I finally had to surrender and released every disturbing thought that was bounding me to these chains.  I told my husband we had to talk.  I called my doctor, she wasn't in.  My options were to go to ER and either be hospitalized or receive medication or wait until Monday to talk to my doctor. 

I was not going to act on any thoughts.  No matter how powerful they felt, I would never kill myself.  That I know for sure.  The safest place for me to be is home, so I opted out of going to ER.  I wanted to talk to MY doctor about any decisions about medication.  My husband was home all weekend and we just took it one day at a time. 

What had trapped me was feeling there was no way out.  That I had no course of action to take, no help what so ever that would save me.  Just talking to the hospital gave me options.  There was a plan.  This made all the difference.  Laying everything out to my husband as honest as possible help to release that burden that had been pinning me down.  I couldn't see what was happening to me.  In my mind I couldn't tell anyone either and it had a lock on me.  It's been three days and I feel like a new person.  I haven't called my doctor and I'm taking it one day at a time.  It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you are burdening someone with your problems, thoughts, and feelings, and again I had to learn a heavy lesson.  That if I don't talk it out with my husband, I will end up in the hospital and worse off for it.  For me, that is a huge step back I'm not willing to take.  I knew where I was at, I knew ultimately I was no threat to myself and that I was secure in never acting on any impulses.  I know because I have been in this same place where I couldn't trust myself to even think that.  I don't want to be in such a dangerous place again. 

Maybe there was a lesson to be learnt.  What were the chances that the only time I've ever called my doctor in a crisis she wasn't there?  I may not have a ton of trust in doctors, but I didn't want some flippant one from ER making any decisions for me.  Which gave a plan.  Which gave me action.  Which gave me strength and freedom to make my own choices that I knew would work for me.  Before I talked to my husband, I felt totally out of out control and everything seem to back up all these dark thoughts.  Once I unleashed the ugly beast the burden was cut in half and then again and again as we have continued to talk all weekend.  Chopping everything into bite size pieces again instead being choked to death by it. 

It has been a trying year.  What I accomplished this past year blogging was like finishing that last quarter mile of a life long marathon.  EVERYTHING is out in the open, where it used to be stuck in my head.  It felt like a huge boulder pressing on my head ready to crush me at any minute.  I think it is time to give myself a break and recover from recovery.  Slow things down a bit as I learn to live with my new life.  Everything happened so fast like a storm racing through and now it is time to sit in the calm after the storm and take in the sunshine.          


Donda said...

I hate that you're feeling this way but at least you can look at the situation with clarity. That is a good step forward.

midnight rainbow said...

Thanks Donda. It has been a tough road, but I am feeling better about it.

Mart the Fart said...

Midnight, you're my bestest mate. It's not a nice feeling for me to know that you're not good at the moment. But it is wonderful to read that you've got the determination to get up, dust yourself off and keep taking giant steps forward. I've read paragraph 5 over and over. It's brilliant. I think I'll start cutting my problems and issues into pieces and dealing with them piece by piece. Thanks Midnight. I truly wish that you keep getting ever more powerful. Hugs. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

And Mart you are mine. At the time I didn't know how it all happened, until I purged everything with my husband and I realized I was absorb my entire life all at once. All or nothing theory. The only way to break it up was talking and taking one step at a time. Powerful words that are difficult to do, but that make all the difference in the world.

Thank you Mart. Hugs to you.

Fenny said...

What a powerful post! Interesting that when we feel the least powerful, there still is power left. The power of choice. But what strength we sometimes need to get to that understanding and then to act upon it. You have done amazingly well in those circumstances. Well done!! You deserve the biggest compliment on earth!! More power to you, honey!!