Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Fuel


As I float in my sea of sadness, I feel the temperature begin the rise.  The hot molten lava begins to ooze out my gut.  ANGER.  It floods me in it's pool and begins to consume me.  Volcanic explosion fired around me.  The source of my poison.  It spews everywhere except for the one who caused it.  I flail my fist all around me, but never in that one spot.

Fuel burning.  I want to douse it.  But even more I want to fuel it more.  My anger only burns me.  Cycling around and around.  Like a hot rock sitting my stomach that is always there no matter if I am constructive or destructive.  I know how to be angry.  What I don't know is how to channel that rage into something positive.  Mainly because it is mine and want it and I own it and I have a right to it.  It is the fuel that has kept me alive.  Why would I give that up?  What would I do if I did?  How would I survive without it?

Talking and walking cured it for today.  I'm tired of sneaking around the inevitable with myself.  I had to be open and honest about how I feel.  I don't want it to get the better of me.  I learnt a valuable lesson when my depression had me by the throat.  TALK.        

3 comments:

Meredith said...

Oh yes, I soo know that feeling, those thoughts. Growing up in a family of screamers and no boundaries gave me the "right" to be angry. Meeting up with others who would not accept my behavior, including my children, have given me pause. I am far from mastering or even controlling the art, but am in process. Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn.

Take care,
Meredith

Cathy said...

Excellent blog. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I didn't believe it. I was so wrong. I've been married 27 years. I've suffered the trials and tribulations as well. I just started my blog in Dec. My blog is not nearly as creative but very informative for both the bipolar and psychiatric communities. My mother was bipolar,never diagnosed. My sister is bipolar. My three boys are bipolar. One as autism as well. I've been unemployed for over 2 years. Try as I might I can't keep a job. But financially we're doing OK. I am building an online business that is starting to really take off. It's amazing so many of us are willing to share with each other. I look forward to visiting your site again soon. It is of great comfort to know others are out there!

Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight. I liked the way walking and talking helped you out and I really recommend it to everyone.

When I finished work on a Friday my wife and I would go for a walk through the woods and I would tell the trees all my troubles and fears. Having cleared the air we would go home and generally have a nice weekend. I expect the trees were a bit depressed but I felt good!!

Hugs. Mart