Thursday, March 17, 2011

Spring Fever

I find myself in a very fragile state and yet I am secure and comforted.  My past abuse took a turn for the worst in the springtime and it is still my most difficult time of year.  Anxiety and fears rip through me, usually sending me into obscure manias.  Intense manias where it seems every sensory cell on my body is magnified.  I become overwhelmed by the slightest touch, even if it is just the wind.  My eyes have felt like they are wired open while any sounds feel like thunder in an enclosed room.  I become feverishly hot and chilled at the same time making me want to jump out of my own skin.

If I walk outside, I feel a sense of vulnerability and exposure as if I am running naked with an open wound through my chest.  I relive the abuse through my senses and mind as if I am running into a war zone.  I am sensitive to everything I touch, feel and think.

There is no question of why.  I have all the info from my abuse to know what is happening now, it is taking those baby steps to protect my inner most self that I need to take care of me.  Simple steps that I learned in the hospital.  Take your meds, eat three meals a day, exercise, and most important TALK.  I had another purging with my husband as the weight of my world had taken me to a dark place.  Spring has always been a crucial point whether I would end up in the hospital or not.  Instead I am setting up my own safe haven in my home.  Where I am protected and safe and feel I have the best chance of going through this battle that is about to bestow on me.  I feel more prepared than I have in the past as the healing of the truth has helped lessen my 'spring symptoms.'  I am not alone, my husband and my protective dogs will help me in my fight.  I have lower my expectations of what I will accomplish for the next few months and I am looking at this as if I have an injury and need the time to rehabilitate myself.  I am trying to stay conscious within my own mind for the earliest triggers and then exposing them before they roll out of control and I become it's victim.  I've have been learning that prevention is key.  It is much easier to pick up a stone and throw it, than trying to stop a rolling boulder ready to plow you down.  Right now the key to my success is centering on me and what I need to do for myself, not anyone else.  Whatever that means for me to do.  Taking every little bit as it comes and not doing it alone.  I haven't come this far to go back.  I believe I can do this with help.  I believe with everything in me that I can make it through this time period and come through on the other side.  I have already begun the journey. I want to know what it is like to be kind and compassionate to myself.  Words that have stuck in my head.  Thanks Natalie.


Natalie said...

Oh my god, you are beyond welcome!! I'm in tears right now - because you are so strong, and so aware, and so incredibly brave. And the way you share your process is amazing. Reading what you say, and in particular *how* you say it is so comforting to me. Much of what you describe is so familiar - reliving what happened to you, recognizing the triggers, planning ahead, and knowing that at the core, the key is to look out for you and provide the space, protection, and comfort you need. We are indeed healing from trauma, and anyone doing so needs these things, we're no different.

We're on such similar paths, you and I, and it feels so good to not be alone in that. Like you, I have an incredibly supportive spouse (and a dog and two cats!) :) and I think having these fierce protectors is key to where we are and where we are headed...we are strong, but everyone needs support. In large part, because, yes, being able to TALK about it to people who truly support us no matter what is so key in this journey.

And if it helps, just know that I'm standing right beside you, cheering you on as you fight the good fight. You are anything but alone in this, and you are so capable of doing what needs to be done.

midnight rainbow said...

Thank you Natalie, because I know I need all the support I can get and it is great to know you are in my corner and know what it is like. It is always so great when somebody 'gets it.'

Thank you again for being there. Your last comment really meant a lot to me about being kind and compassionate to ourselves because that is exact the opposite of what the abuser wanted. That really struck me, hard. I've always been as ruthless with myself as possible, continuing on the abuse in some form. I'm tired of hating and beating the crap out of myself. I want to be kind and loving just because I want to. So nice to have you in my corner. :)