Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Cracking


There has been a crack in my Future Mirror since writing the post.  The process of the visualization and putting it on paper finally explained to me what I could not see.  As it came to form it gave me a concrete image of thoughts I was unable to coerce together for a repeated actions that I could not fully understand my reasons for doing them.

That tiny crack has broken a dam in my mind of what I perceive of the future:  It will always be my past.  This belief is interwoven into every fiber of my life.  I base every thought on this on this idea because I have nothing else to judge it by.  I have never had any thoughts of a future or anything beyond my past because it simply didn't exist.  I have been going through the motions to the next day or make an appointment for next week, which is simply out of habit, but to believe there is actually life without my past has never entered my mind.  That and I wasn't suppose to be alive.

My inner most struggle is living.  It is difficult to live when you have no concept of a future.  That any of your hard works are actually moving you forward when there is no forward.  There is no visions that are any more than a dream of someplace.  There is no understanding that what was, will never be again.  There is no trust strong enough to believe there will never be the same fears and pain.  I have continued to live under this regiment even though I have only been in touch with it in my mind.  I don't know how to believe things can change.  Another word in my vocabulary that makes little sense to me.

My mind has been flooded with this breakthrough, along with a rush of creativity that I can not get down on paper fast enough.  Still afraid of the end that will come when I am swallowed by that dark hole again, but this time I have a secret weapon.  The crack in the Future Mirror is trickling water.  Water is my healing element.  The vision of my past is changing.  The future is pouring in on it.  And I am continuing to heal.

2 comments:

Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight.

Your quote "It is difficult to live when you have no concept of a future" is very profound but you've brushed it aside. I've been to this point as well. Fortunately you're moving forward and upward so you're dominating this thought and that is why it means little. Especially as your last line says "The vision of my past is changing. The future is pouring in on it. And I am continuing to heal". Brilliant Midnight. You've only gone and made it happen. You are now the MASTER of your destiny and nothing can bring you down. Well done.

Huuuuuugs. Mart

Natalie said...

Ah, I've been so freaking overwhelmed with life the last few weeks...I just realized I missed this post. :( As always, you so eloquently describe your pain and your journey and your amazing process, and in doing so, you give hope to everyone who reads your words, including you.

I know you just had to take the steps you refer to as "surrender"...and they are just that. Surrender to help. Surrender to possibility. Surrender to change. Surrender to healing. Surrender to *your* future.

You can so do this!