Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Feelings, Medications, and Options

I have really been struggling to write.  My words sound broken and my sentences and ideas feel choppy to me.  I have struggled with having any emotion as if there is a blockage in my frontal lobe.  At the same time I feel like I have an opening in the back of my head as if a window has been open and a rush of fresh air is creating a cleansing.  I am OK with this for the most part, except in my writing.  I have always written to feel and I feel to write, emotions have always been the building blocks of my expression and now I feel like I can't express myself.

I don't know if it comes across to anyone else, but I feel the crackling in my thoughts and how I can not find the right words and ideas that run so smoothly thru my head.  There are points through the day when I feel a welling of tears swelling in my eyes that can not be released.  While at the same time I feel this cool breeze through my brain telling me everything is alright.  I almost don't whether I want to laugh or cry or do both.

On the sixth day of taking my new anti-depressant I felt like I'd smoked a bong.  I immediately quit taking it.   I had no intentions of going through a drug induced mania or any other side effects that may come with this or any other medications.  I have made it three years without anti-depressants and realized that adding chemicals to my body was not going to solve my problems, when 90% of them are in my head.  I am quite comfortable being on the meds I am currently on and would like to continue weaning off them instead of adding more complications.

The great thing about realizing there are options is that it opens the door for more options.  Just being able to express my thoughts and feelings about my first appointment with my therapist, gave me more choices to choose how I wanted to handle our first time meeting.  I have decided to meet with her for the two hour intake.  It is so easy for me to back myself into a corner and cram myself inside this box where I am trapped with no way out, that just having the option to have options helped me to pop out that box and stand on my own two feet.  I would also like to thank everyone who commented on that post with such love and support.  What a wonderful feeling to have such a rally behind me to encourage me on my journey.  It is greatly appreciated.

So all in all, I am OK.  Little ups and downs.  A few tears, some laughter.  Stopping and going.  I am anxious and calm.  Some excitement, some stresses, but I am here.  And while there are many days I don't realize what a gift that can be, today I do feel it is.  


Haven said...

It's wonderful to have even singular days of appreciation. I hope you continue to have them.

Natalie said...

You're amazing. :)

Tiff said...

I recently started chronicling my struggle with bipolar disorder, too. It's been helping me quite a bit....I hope this is working for you. I've been looking for other blogs dedicated to this subject and I found yours.

Anyway, I'm Tiff....and I'm following your blog now. =]


Mart the Fart said...

Hello Midnight. I'm sorry I've missed your last few posts.

You make sure you hang in there and keep being you. Go with the flow and ride those ups and downs and know that deep down, you'll soon be on the road back to winning ways. I trust in you. Be kind to yourself and allow for tiny hiccups. Everyone's here and sending you thoughts. Give the dogs a scratch on the head for me!

Lots of hugs. Mart