Monday, June 6, 2011

Surrender...

I have finally come to a place where I can not do this alone anymore.  I have continued to crash into this dark place where I have become swallowed by the thought of death.  Where the thought of dying has given me a rush without any fear.  I have wrestled with the thoughts of medication and therapy for some months now and after a long, hard battle with myself, have given in to both.  I called a therapist in our area who I spoke with briefly over the phone and I started taking an anti-depressant that my doctor prescribed.  I don't know which was more difficult.  I have been fighting counseling for several years.  My husband and I have talked about it several times, but I would always back out before actually trying.  The nature of my abuse was just too extreme to trust to talk to anyone else.  The step I took in talking to my psych doctor about it was huge and I have realized that the only way to get unstuck from this point to to talk to a professional. 

As far as taking an anti-depressant, well, I'm not thrilled about, but it has given some relief to the vultures always circling around my head.  I do believe it is a temporary thing and will help me from my ventures into hell.  I was already scaring the crap out of my husband, but when I became scared I knew I needed help.  I have taken many trips to the underworld, but this last one was getting a little too close. 

I am a fighter, I don't give in easy.  It takes a great force to make me succumb, even if it is for my own good, but it has to be so bad that it is my decision or I will fight harder.  Both of these decisions have brought me to my knees and into mass amount of confusion.  Contradictions that have thrown me up against the walls while beating me with a two by four.  And now after the bell has rung and the match has come to close, I am OK with both choices.  It makes me very aware of have far I have come and what I have been through that I'm not that same person I was before.  I realize how strong I am and if push comes to shove I have the power to fight back.  I can use that power to my advantage and actually learn to love and heal myself.  It is all going to be scary, but I think now that I made the choice I can do it.  I may not have a lot of trust in others, but I more faith in myself than I realized and that is what I will be relying on to carry me through.  Wish me luck!

6 comments:

Pyroclasm Jones said...

I've read this. I hear you. I want you to succeed. I admire your bravery in deciding to work with a therapist. Maybe someday I'll be brae like you. <3

Sarah said...

I hope you have taken a moment to appreciate the step you have taken and understand how truly brave it was. Surrendering is probably one of the hardest things for a person to do because we deem it as failure for some reason or lack of hope when on the contrary it is a beginning. And having faith in yourself will allow you to understand having faith in others. Thank you for letting us share in your journey Midnight.

Natalie said...

You should be really, really fucking proud of yourself!! (I'm really proud of you!) This took so much courage, on both counts. I know this is beyond vulnerable space for you...but I don't know what I would have done without the amazing therapist who helped me back from the brink of despair in the past year.

These are the right steps - both therapy and the anti-depressant, for however long that may last - simply because they were your choices and you knew they were necessary.

Good for you for reaching out for help when you needed it. And, yes, good luck!! We're all here cheering you along louder than ever. :)

Meredith said...

Midnight,
Congratulations on taking a step beyond, into the darkness of the unknown. You will find the right time to share things as you need to. You know you don't have to share things that bring up fear and anxiety until you are ready. Bravo for your courage.

midnight rainbow said...

Thank you everyone for your words of support and encouragement. I can not begin to tell you what they mean to me. It is so great to have others who will have your back. I am overwhelmed by your words. This has been a tough decision and I want to thank all of you for standing by me.

Paula said...

New to your blog, new to your life, yet not new to abuse. Having been there myself I feel I know what HUGE step you have taken in facing the fear and finding your voice! Wishing you well. Love from my heart to yours.