I have finally come to a place where I can not do this alone anymore. I have continued to crash into this dark place where I have become swallowed by the thought of death. Where the thought of dying has given me a rush without any fear. I have wrestled with the thoughts of medication and therapy for some months now and after a long, hard battle with myself, have given in to both. I called a therapist in our area who I spoke with briefly over the phone and I started taking an anti-depressant that my doctor prescribed. I don't know which was more difficult. I have been fighting counseling for several years. My husband and I have talked about it several times, but I would always back out before actually trying. The nature of my abuse was just too extreme to trust to talk to anyone else. The step I took in talking to my psych doctor about it was huge and I have realized that the only way to get unstuck from this point to to talk to a professional.
As far as taking an anti-depressant, well, I'm not thrilled about, but it has given some relief to the vultures always circling around my head. I do believe it is a temporary thing and will help me from my ventures into hell. I was already scaring the crap out of my husband, but when I became scared I knew I needed help. I have taken many trips to the underworld, but this last one was getting a little too close.
I am a fighter, I don't give in easy. It takes a great force to make me succumb, even if it is for my own good, but it has to be so bad that it is my decision or I will fight harder. Both of these decisions have brought me to my knees and into mass amount of confusion. Contradictions that have thrown me up against the walls while beating me with a two by four. And now after the bell has rung and the match has come to close, I am OK with both choices. It makes me very aware of have far I have come and what I have been through that I'm not that same person I was before. I realize how strong I am and if push comes to shove I have the power to fight back. I can use that power to my advantage and actually learn to love and heal myself. It is all going to be scary, but I think now that I made the choice I can do it. I may not have a lot of trust in others, but I more faith in myself than I realized and that is what I will be relying on to carry me through. Wish me luck!