I talked to my new therapist yesterday and we set up a time a couple of weeks from now, at the end of the conversation she said to expect to be there for two hours. "Two hours?" I blurted out. You've got to be kidding me, I thought. What in the world were we going to talk about for two hours? I already have a list of items checked off in my mind of topics I won't be bringing up, not to mention that an hour would be my pushing my limit before I mentally check out talking with a complete stranger.
There was another thing that was off. When we initially spoke on the phone, she had made an offer of meeting for an hour without any charge to see if I would be interested in continuing. That is what I was banking on when I called her back to set up the appointment, but didn't express that to her because I had a mental block when she announced the appointment was for two hours.
I am trying to let go and not go in control mode while wanting to be assertive with my own personal needs and comfort level. I know she does not understand the gravity of what it took to call her nor the years it has taken to come to this point, but I do. I don't want to jump just because I have to. I have solid reason for why I have taken the course that I have and what has lead to this decision. I plan on calling her back and discussing the option that she originally mention and that I want to take her up on that first before I make any final decision. Which is a huge step for me. Normally I would let it slide and worry and fret and put myself under someone else's control because I would feel I don't have any. I would think I am at her whim, which would put me back in the victim role and set myself up for failure. I also realize I don't have to be nasty or curt with her, with a "she should know" attitude, because she doesn't know. She has no idea who I am and I don't know who she is, but for my own protection and well being I have to step up and make the first move.
So I am a little nervous, I am always better at writing than talking, especially when I feel threatened by an outside force. I usually just cave. But I want to make this work for me. It is so difficult for me not to lay down the law in my head of what I will and won't do. If she hadn't made the offer, I probably wouldn't have question anything, but she did and that was part of the agreement with myself to try. Just try. So when she stated the session would be two hours, it completely threw me off guard. She asked if that was a problem. I was so thrown, I said no. Thank goodness I have some time to work it out. I am not in a panic, I'm not freaking out, I'm not paranoid, I'm just not comfortable with the arrangement and I have the power to change it. What may sound like a minor detail, is like giant steps for me to even begin to see from this perspective. I have my two cents worth on how I want to handle my care. I have done it this far, I not going to let it be strip away by old behaviors and fear. Even just clarifying how I feel will make a difference, even if I do go for the two hours. Isn't that what progress is all about?