This is how it started:
I walked into the small waiting room, she is in with a colleague, hands me legal papers to read and says she will be with me. As I began to read the blood drains from my face. Triggers. Shaken to the core, she calls me in her office as I sit locked in stark white terror. I choked out a strangled explanation for my fears as I sit frozen, unable to move. She begins to explains. I listen but don't move. Somewhere I find that this woman is not out to hurt me and as we move along, my hands begin to relax in my lap. Still caught in my fears, the beginning is slow going as she asks questions and I answer what I am willing to share. Permission she has fully given me. It is my show.
Her questions are all over the place. Getting snippets of this and that. I feel myself take a leap as I start to come to, I feel the chair underneath me and let myself sink in. The life comes to my eyes, I actually smile. It is going to be OK.
A few highlights:
She asked if I journal. I told her yes and I blog. When she asked if she could read them. I said no to this blog, but gave her the address for the dog blog. When I told her I wanted to write a book about my life and one about my dog Brut. She asked if I wanted to bring Brut into a session. I laughed out loud. I love Brut, but he's just too much dog for something like that!! Although I thought it was cool she suggested it.
She asked me to tell her what hope was. I just stared at her with a huge question mark on my face. Though I've used the word and know it has a meaning, I never realized I had no internal meaning for it and didn't know what in the hell it was. That was an eye opener.
She spoke of her own experience and expertise with grief while sharing about herself. The word was mentioned several times. I didn't say anything but I have known for some time this is where I need to start.
Near the last half of the session, I was opening up and talking with my hands. She sat back, smiled at me after a comment I'd made regarding the way I need to operate and told me with a giant smile on her face, "That I had made her day."
After years and years of being looked down on for some reason or another by many different people I have met, I was being treated as an equal. I was flabbergasted. I can not remember the last time that has happened with a stranger or even with someone else I have known. I walked out of there higher than a kite. I even signed the paper that had thrown me into such terror. I wasn't going operate on fear from my past, present or future. She told me I was going to be a challenge and we were going to be creative about it, because I had mentioned that I can't stand be crammed into that box and she loved to think outside of it.
My husband laughed his ass off when I told her what she said about me being a challenge. Let me talk to her, I'll tell her what she's in for!!! God bless him, I have put him through the ringer to get to this point. I think he is happy it went so well and has no problem handing me off to someone else!! And it was so worth it.