Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Tool

As I tiptoe inside, quietly closing the door behind me, I take a minute to catch my breath.  The lifelong sprinting marathon I've have been running to cross this threshold is now is here before me.  I don't dare go back.  I sit with my back against the door for what seems an eternity.  The shock and horror of the world I left behind only inches from my back.  I am frozen.  Unsure of what to do next.  My body becomes stiff from staying in the same position.  I finally stretch to stand, fumbling for a light switch.  As the room becomes flooded with the light, the vastness of space is too much to bear for this once chaotic mind.  It is empty.  EMPTY.  There is nothing here.  All of my years of sweat and pain to make it somewhere past my past and I find nothing.

I quickly turn off the light and crumble to the floor.  "NOOOOOO!  This can't be my treasure for all of my slavery.  You PROMISED!  You PROMISED everything would be here, that I if I lived, it would be here.  What is this??"  Defeated, I cry out,  "How could you do this to me?  Where are you??  Where am I??  This is not what you said it would be."  Choking back my sobs, I defiantly stand on wobbly legs, shaking my fist at the space, I spit out, "I'll do it myself."  I open the door for a crack of light, and start walking only to find I've circled  back at the door.   I can't move forward and I can't leave the door.  All my tools are on the other side of it and I have no idea have to operate in this space.  It is foreign ground with no translator.  So I sit and wait.  And wait.  Wanting so many times to go back through that door and never return to this space again just for a taste of knowing something.  Here I am lost and confused and there are so many things I don't understand.  What is a future without a past?  What is a future, period?

Months go by, motions are carried out when in my last cry for help, I see a new tool sitting at my feet.  I reach down to grab it.  I have used one of these in the past, but it is different than before.  It is of equal measure to my needs.  I am grateful for the new tool.  I am excited about the new tool.  All of my old ones weren't working anymore.  I look up and see the empty space in a whole new light.   This space wasn't empty because my toils were in vain, it was empty because it was my future given to me to design and fill with anything I wanted.  This tool was the beginning step to utilizing that space for MY desires and having the future I always dreamed of with the help I need to do just that.

And the Promise holds true.  

*My first appointment with my new therapist is this Thursday*                     


Haven said...

Good luck and much support with the Therapist appt.

Sarah said...

I am speechless...fantastic piece Midnight. I am sending you positive mojo for Thursday.

midnight rainbow said...

Thank you Haven. I appreciate the support.

Sarah, thank you. I will take all the mojo you can send! :)

Natalie said...

Midnight - Oh my god, this made me cry and cheer all at once. You are so strong! Your writing is unbelievably beautiful...and reading your descriptions is unreal. You give voice to much of what I've felt so often, but never been able to articulate.

Congratulations on this new insight! And on building *your* future on *your* terms! And on your upcoming appointment. :) (And thank you, thank you, thank you, as always, for sharing.)

midnight rainbow said...

Natalie, Every time you comment I keep waiting to get hit in the face with a pom-pom and mobbed by your cheering squad. LOL I've got a huge cheesy grin that won't stop. I am so grateful for being able to help and be there because you are doing wonders for my self validation. I can not tell what it means to have you behind me and that you understand. Thank you, thank you for being there. :)

Natalie said...

Admittedly, I am somewhat lacking in grace, so you could very well get hit with a pom-pom. Consider this an apology for any future incidents. ;)