Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Yesterday afternoon, guilt started to wash over me, then a fear I couldn't shake.  I was freaked out for the rest of the day and went to bed with the cold sweats, twisting and turning in a semi-conscious trance that I couldn't wake out of.  Finally I forced myself awake and got out of bed.  I tried to sit and watch TV, it was deafening.  I went outside with Brut and shook with sobs of fear.  Help me.  Help me.  Help me.  The tears wouldn't stop.  I was scared to death of what I was about to embark upon.  There is a reason, a very good reason why I have waited this long to talk to someone outside the safety of my home.  I am about to break every law that I have been sworn to.  Doesn't matter if it's in baby steps, doesn't matter if I only tell her one thing that has happened to me or purge my entire story on her, I will be breaking everything.  Three years to finally utter the words to my psychiatrist.  Even if it takes that long with my therapist, just the fact that I am going to see her, is a violation.  And I am afraid. 

So here is my plan.  I am going to take my dog Brut for a long walk at the park before the appointment and take him with me.  Just me and him alone and then have him wait in the truck, so I know he is there.  He is my most avid protector out of the bunch and he takes that job pretty seriously while I completely rely on it. 

I don't feel the need to bolt.  I haven't changed my mind.  I haven't come this far to turn and run but I can't hide the fact that I am scared.  It's been a long time since I talk to someone and that was before I knew everything about my past.  Now I'm at a completely different stage of the game.  Just writing this out has been scary.  Legitimate fears.  Current fears.  All I can say is, thank God for Brut. 


Natalie said...

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the choice to continue even in the face of fear (or something like that...someone once said that much more eloquently). Your fears are *incredibly* legitimate. Do what you need to do and be kind to yourself. Taking your fierce protector Brut is a great idea. And know that you can tell your therapist about the fears too, without even getting into other details until you're ready. She's there for you, and you are her equal...remember, this is all on your terms.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way.

midnight rainbow said...

Thanks Natalie. :)