Yesterday afternoon, guilt started to wash over me, then a fear I couldn't shake. I was freaked out for the rest of the day and went to bed with the cold sweats, twisting and turning in a semi-conscious trance that I couldn't wake out of. Finally I forced myself awake and got out of bed. I tried to sit and watch TV, it was deafening. I went outside with Brut and shook with sobs of fear. Help me. Help me. Help me. The tears wouldn't stop. I was scared to death of what I was about to embark upon. There is a reason, a very good reason why I have waited this long to talk to someone outside the safety of my home. I am about to break every law that I have been sworn to. Doesn't matter if it's in baby steps, doesn't matter if I only tell her one thing that has happened to me or purge my entire story on her, I will be breaking everything. Three years to finally utter the words to my psychiatrist. Even if it takes that long with my therapist, just the fact that I am going to see her, is a violation. And I am afraid.
So here is my plan. I am going to take my dog Brut for a long walk at the park before the appointment and take him with me. Just me and him alone and then have him wait in the truck, so I know he is there. He is my most avid protector out of the bunch and he takes that job pretty seriously while I completely rely on it.
I don't feel the need to bolt. I haven't changed my mind. I haven't come this far to turn and run but I can't hide the fact that I am scared. It's been a long time since I talk to someone and that was before I knew everything about my past. Now I'm at a completely different stage of the game. Just writing this out has been scary. Legitimate fears. Current fears. All I can say is, thank God for Brut.