Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I dissociate. It was the only way to survive the torture I endured. I created separate personalities and had black outs that saved me from experiencing my abuse until the memories began to occur. It has been like a puzzle putting all those pieces of me back together and uniting together to function. I still dissociate on certain levels and probably always will. My abuser also utilize this ability to their needs, what they didn't know was they gave me a secret weapon to survive with it.
When broken down to the core, there is this little girl who accessed this process and exploited it to her advantage. She took whatever means possible and created "who" ever she had to in order to live through the torture and she made choices that no little girl should have to make.
As much as I know she is the key to my freedom, I would continue to beat the life out of her and cram her back in that cave, hoping this time never to see her again. As my hatred for her escalated my plans to destroy did as well. To in which I found myself trapped. I could not annihilate her without doing myself in as well and found myself in war with all of the evil that I grown up with. KILL THE GIRL.