Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Creator

I dissociate.  It was the only way to survive the torture I endured.  I created separate personalities and had black outs that saved me from experiencing my abuse until the memories began to occur.  It has been like a puzzle putting all those pieces of me back together and uniting together to function.  I still dissociate on certain levels and probably always will.  My abuser also utilize this ability to their needs, what they didn't know was they gave me a secret weapon to survive with it.

When broken down to the core, there is this little girl who accessed this process and exploited it to her advantage.  She took whatever means possible and created "who" ever she had to in order to live through the torture and she made choices that no little girl should have to make.

While I have always loved the gift of dissociating and how it saved me, I for the most part I hated the creator.  In my years of recovery I have had glimpses of this little girl and we have shared a few precious moments together.  In these slight times, I have understood to some degree what she endured and how she made my world a better place, but most of the time, I have held her responsible for the abuse.  I hated everything she stood for, what she believed in and have blamed her for everything that has happened.  I rarely let up on her.  She has been locked away in the cave and sworn to never be set free, but no matter my methods she always manages to escape briefly and then I must shove her back down.

As much as I know she is the key to my freedom, I would continue to beat the life out of her and cram her back in that cave, hoping this time never to see her again.  As my hatred for her escalated my plans to destroy did as well.  To in which I found myself trapped.  I could not annihilate her without doing myself in as well and found myself in war with all of the evil that I grown up with.  KILL THE GIRL.

Enter therapist and question and a painting and song and a day of hell afterwards.  I didn't want to do it.  I DID NOT  want to do it, but with my own tough love, I looked that little girl's picture.  Her eyes as pure as snow.  She believed.  She loved.  She cared.  She had found the secret to survival. She had done it.  Everything she had ever been promised was right in her eyes and they did not lie.  They could not lie.  She smiled with beauty and hope and more love than I could imagine.  And for the first time ever I let go of my hate and understood her and we wept with joy.  We are still embracing and haven't let go.  This long reunion in the works for many years and for the first time I was whole again.  The division in my heart and mind over.  It's taken a bit of getting used to, but we are still hanging on to each other.  And that is a gift worth sharing about.  :)    


Tiff said...

your insights are beautiful.

Natalie said...

Wow!! I am so excited for you! What a tremendous breakthrough and what incredible insight. I'm so sorry for all of your pain, but so happy for your reunion. :)

Natalie said...

(And by the way, that painting is seriously powerful!)

midnight rainbow said...

Tiff, thank you. Your words mean a lot.

Natalie, simple said, thank you.

thecrazyrambler said...

What a powerful story!!! Also, you are very brave!!! I am so glad you are hanging on to one another now, awesome! Thanks for sharing your intimate journey...
(formerly Fenmail, now The Crazy Rambler)