Sunday, July 31, 2011

Instinct

What was it that nagged at me about her?  Or was it me trying to get my own attention?  My instincts kept telling me something wasn’t right.  Was it her or was it me?  Was it like many things in my life telling me something just wasn’t right, but not having any solid proof  as I kept brushing the pesky fly away?  Why did I feel the need to press on when that little knife kept edging deeper and deeper.  I felt I was out of options and I had to know the truth.  It painfully consumed me.  For six weeks I dove into this assignment head first, never once thinking about just testing the water.  It was all or nothing.  I was either going all the way or I wasn’t.  There was no in between.  There was nothing that anyone could say to stop me.  I am obsessive that way.  My inner voice kept tapping me on the shoulder from the first time my therapist called back.  Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with her.  Maybe it had to do with my own inert fears and the leap of faith I was about to embark upon.  I have never had any desire to go to counseling, but with my back up against the wall, I reached for the first thing I could think of.  Regardless if it was the right thing or not.  Once the ball started rolling, I had to know why that pesky fly kept swarming around my head.  I was in deep.  Suddenly I felt like my head was split open and my brains were bleeding on the table.  There was something wrong with this procedure.  This was unnatural and barbaric to me as I have learned over the course of my healing to move with the ebb and flow of life.  And I began to find myself swimming in murky waters, I ran into the rock that finally knocked some sense into me.  I have went for years living in that tortured state and I had been set free, only to jump back into those gloomy waters.  This way of healing was never going to work for me.  I took the chance, I faced my fears, I thoroughly explored every aspect and looked at the harsh results that were concluding.  It wasn’t going to work. 

I can say that I gave more than 110% effort because when I make up my mind, I execute to the fullest extent.  As I had exhausted every other possible option that I knew up until that time, my mind was completely focused as I channeled every energy into each session and every other minute of the day.  I am like a dog with bone, just try to stop me.  I faced fears I never dreamed of , not only did I face them I met them head on and was able to conquer those that have plagued me for years.  I spoke words that had never been spoken outside of my home and I am still here to tell about it.  I exposed myself to an unknown element in spite of those fears and splattered myself all over the walls.  I sat in those fears for hours at a time and felt every gripping hold they had on me and still walked away unscathed and  a whole person.  What an incredible experience.  I did that.  With the help of my faith,  my husband and my 6 dogs, I walked down every dark tunnel and came through on the other side.  I can see and feel the changes already. 

The slate is clear, I am ready to move on.  My mind has opened to other options, now that I can take therapy off the table.  I already made one call, now my next move involves taking a huge risk and a ton of guts.  And while it may not seem that to someone else, it will take a whole lot of courage to make me get my foot out the door and keep walking.  Wish me well.  I am finally going to make my own moves and do what I believe will help me.       

2 comments:

Natalie said...

You always have to do what you believe. Even though we are so often told just the opposite...that somehow "trained professionals" magically know what is best for our minds, bodies, and souls. (A great therapist will be the first to admit no one is the expert on you and what works for you, except YOU.)

Good for you for listening to yourself! And for diving in and realizing this is not the approach you need.

Healing shouldn't be harsh...painful and scary at moments, yes, but not endlessly gory. Be compassionate with you, and insist on the same from others.

midnight rainbow said...

Natalie, thanks for bearing with me. I am still trying to figure out just what it is I need. Thanks for being part of the journey and your words, so full of meaning. They mean a lot.