Sunday, July 17, 2011

She said, "Why not chop down a tree?"

So I did.

Anger has been rippling through me like molten lava, ready to explode for years.  Knowing how potent this seething rage is, I have always held the lid tight, but it spewed everywhere, vomiting over everything I loved.  As my therapist put it, I needed to express it violently while staying in control and being productive. Yes, yes, yes, that was what I needed.  So she said, "Why not chop down a tree?"  I laughed out loud as I had this sick little pine, maybe 15 feet tall that I didn't have the heart to cut down for the last two years, hoping it would get better, yet I'd been wanting to rid of it.  It was perfect.

I felt the storm start to brew after a run in with someone who was a prime example of my past, so I grab the ax and began.  The release was incredible.  I chopped on one side then went to the other.  My all or nothing wanted to get the better of me and go none stop, but I kept myself in control by taking a couple of breaks.  After all I did have an ax in my hand!!  I'd tied a cord to the tree and back to a stump so it would fall where I wanted it to and I had at it. 

The power in the destruction with a positive purpose was explosive.  Every part of my body and mind were engaged.  The closer I got to the core the more direct and forceful my strikes came.  I didn't have to "think" about the "why's" or "who's" they have been ingrained with me from the beginning. I purged every ounce of my fury through my body and mind while the energy shot through the ax and into the tree.  The act was beautiful.

My last water break, two of my dogs gave me a great big hug.  Without knowing how close I was, I became even more centered, two solid whacks and the tree gave way, slowing falling to the ground.  I was elated.  I was ecstatic. It was like watching a dream.  I did it.  I stared in disbelief.  I felt the fire in my belly that had been churning all these years radiating outside of my skin, instead of tearing me into evil.  It was absolutely incredible.  I had a new tool for anger and it had worked.  I feel the difference, I could see the difference.  I can't even begin to relate how it felt.  It was actually gone.  GONE.  The festering hate and despise I had for everything had evaporated.  The rage that had been bubbling and brewing for so long had an escape route.  Something I never had before and it was a brand new feeling.   

The next morning I started looking around and making mental notes for my next anger project.  Violent destruction with a purpose.  I like this kind of anger management.  LOL!


Natalie said...

What an amazing outlet!! This sounds like a magical experience...with your constant guardians at your side. I think I need to find a diseased tree... :)

Clueless said...

What a great positive way to externalize your anger. I love it!!

midnight rainbow said...

Thanks Natalie and Clueless, it was an awesome experience that I am still learning from while I process. Quite therapeutic. :)

Mart the Fart said...

Hello Midnight, what a fabulous way to let go and I love the writing. I also have trees so I would feel guilty about losing one so I guess the only way I would alter what you've done would be to chop one of my neighbor's trees down. Yeah, that way I'd have a win win situation. Mart

iambipolar2 said...

Try gardening once. The things you can do with a hoe are just about as therapeutic!