Wednesday, July 13, 2011


As I mindlessly went through the motions of life the last nine months I began to wonder if my bipolar was over.  Despite the fact of being suicidal three time during that time period.  I had all the reasons "why."  I understood the source.  There was no doubt my past fueled my bipolar, yet I was hanging just under the radar long enough to make me wonder if this was how it was going to be. It was my longest depression in years and I kept cycling through varying degrees of it.   I'd lost interest in everything including living and then I'd be OK. The duration took me by surprise and then became a normal way of life.  Maybe this is how it suppose to be.  Maybe I was finally balancing out.  Seeing that depressions has been a normal state of mind for me most of my life and manias didn't incorporate themselves until much later.

Then the rip cord flew.  A question I couldn't answer lead to an intense search and rescue that began to rocket me through that messy place in my gut that existed long ago.  A rush of feelings that gave new meaning as I connected in a place I never knew was there. I shot to moon on a speck of love that suddenly became apparent then hung on as my jet pack dove into a flashback of the ultimate fear.  The paranoia vivid as I laid paralyzed in its reality.  I circled around and shot back and forth as I snatched up every truth as they made themselves known.  Painting my world a new color.  Anger, fear, sadness and happiness were suddenly my new four corners.  I had them all.

As I came in for my landing, I stood on solid ground and looked around.  My world was suddenly brighter, fuller, beautiful and ugly, but it was whole.  When I meshed with that little girl, I was suddenly able to feel everything I had been missing.  All of the secrets she held, were the precious stones I had been looking for all this time.  And this is only the beginning...


Natalie said...

So damn happy for you! And seriously impressed. And once again, blown away by your eloquent words. Here's to a whole new journey - as a very wise soul recently told me, that little girl is one smart cookie...cherish her. :)

midnight rainbow said...

Natalie-yes, cherish her. :)