Friday, August 19, 2011

I Keep Forgetting...

I forget sometimes that I have been off anti-depressants for three years and the fact that I have cut my anti-pychotic Respirdol in half for three months.  I forget about the cycle of withdrawal usually happens every three months or so and I feel like the bottom half of my brain has been blown out.  I am struggling with connecting, to anything.  I feel like there static between me and every one, like looking through a fuzzy station and I can only grab bits and pieces.  This same thing is happening in my brain.  Like the neurons are struggling to fire and when they do, they hit empty space.  Then out of the blue the lightning bolts in my head will connect and there is a rapid firing cycle at finding the mark.  And then as quickly as it started it begins to fade again and the target stands waiting through all of the smoke and haze, while everything in my head becomes limp, never knowing when contact will be made again.  And I am just trying to get the round peg in the round hole like again and again and again. 

I have been in the process of relearning everything I know.  All the things that used to make me who I was.  I am rebuilding and recreating myself, literally.  I forget that sometimes.  In fact, most of the time because I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  And then I panic, because the disconnecting static almost stings my brain and I can't think because my firing missile won't work in my brain and I panic more because I can't remember what is going on and why I feel this way and why I can't just do something and change it.  And I had one of those epsiodes tonight and it finally dawned on me, I'm ready to hit the three month mark of cutting my meds down.  The withdrawal.  Functioning without.  And doing so among all the static that sizzles through my head.  And it is a son of a bitch.  And it is scarier than a mother fucker, but when it all comes together for that moment in time, it is the glorious feeling in the world and I'd just about do anything for it not to end.  And when it does, the first thing I think of is, getting all the feeling back and going on meds.  Not always consciously, but it is there.  And I'd give anything at that moment to bring it all back together, to feel alive again instead of a walking corpse.  Then there are those partial times, when some of the picture is coming in and out, those are the worse.  Just make up your mind!!  Be there or don't.  These half ass firing in my head are the most frustrating, like walking through a tunnel of reality or death.  It is like something out of the "Twilight Zone."  And I just want to scream!  And I want to run!   Anything to rev up the energy so that the firing will strike.  This is usually my most active part of the day.  I need to do something physical, but because of my weariness, it is difficult and trying, but I can't lay down.  RESET!  RESET!!  Come on get those tracking missile out---I need some connection.  Anything!  CONTACT!  CONTACT!!  And here we go again as the neurons start missing again and everything comes back down and I am lost again.

So much work to do, one step at a time.   Some days are better than others.  Mostly it helps when my husband is home because I can stay connected with him and it helps me stay in focus and I'm just usually happier when he's around.  The rest of the time it is all a hit or miss.  Or something in between.  And I still forget that.   

5 comments:

Tiff said...

I'm scared to go on meds because of the types of things I read in this post (and others on similar blogs).

But my moods fluctuations can be just as troublesome and more destructive, I think.

Is there any chance we could chat? I'm going through a rough spell at the moment and you might have wisdom to share. If not, that's alright too.

- Tiff
http://anomalyink.blogspot.com

thecrazyrambler said...

Keep on going on sweety!
I know the misfirings in your brain and it sucks big time. I used to describe it as 'electricty in my brain' like the lightning in a storm, but you describe it so aptly!!
I know it is utter misery, but you will pull through to the other side and that will be so worth it!
Take care, there IS light at the end of the tunnel!
I am presently reducing my anti-depressants... it is not as bad as I feared. I wonder what happens when I take that last pill, however. And when the evil stuff will ahve left my body...
Keep on going - keep on! You are on track!

thecrazyrambler said...

@Tiff
What does your p-doc say concerning medication?
What scares you the most?
Have you ever been on any meds?
Have you had to come off of any?

I'd say the most important is to get a mood stabilizor, but to get one that works for you might be trial and error.
You have to wheigh the pro's and con's in terms of possible side effects (almost always weight gain and then some others) and the trouble youa re experiencing now. Which one will work better for you in your situation? If your daily life is disrupted enough, maybe it is worth it to research/look into meds.
Meds are not a solution to your mood swings. THey are an aid - I prefer myself not to be dependent on them. By that I mean, when I need them, I take them. But I view them as a temporary aid, even if temporary means years on end. (6 years for instance for my anti-depressants that I am reducing now slowly with my p-doc)
If you have more questions or just need a soudning board, I'd me more then happy to chat with you!
Click on my name and it brings you to my blog, go to 'contact-me' page at the top and send me an email.
Take care, Tiff!

Natalie said...

Rebuild away, Midnight, you're doing a fucking brilliant job! :) And yes, one step at a time. That's the hard part. That, and remembering just how far we've come. I admire you and you strength and your courage so very much!

Tiff - For what it's worth, I've never been on meds, and am currently experiencing what many would call a "miraculous recovery." I call it letting my body and mind heal without adding drugs that can often cause more harm than good. If you're gut instinct is to stay away from meds, there are many, many alternatives (including natural medication replacements specifically designed for bipolar, other treatment modalities, etc.). Midnight has good info, as do I, and I'm always happy to share as well (www.rockpapershutup.com or natalie dot guerrier at gmail dot com).

Midnitefyrfly said...

I am totally in a space right now where I can relate to this post. I am having a total MISS day. I, too, feel better when my husband is around. I have spent the better part of the morning trying to find blogs of bipolar people so that I have something to look to and someone to relate to. I am trying to medicate after 10 years of no psych meds and only self medicating with alcohol and pain meds during that time. The meds have given me so many side effects and I dont know what is me, what is a med, a side effect, or a withdrawal symptom anymore. I am just lost.