Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Just Sad

I was terrified and could prove that she was "one of them."  I was certain I was standing up to every abusers I have had when I went to tell her I couldn't continue therapy.  Though I was stark white with fear, I faced her.  I confronted her.  And we continued to talk.  I left reassured, comforted and with an open door policy if I chose.

And for some reason I am sad.  Very, very sad.  My fears and paranoia were spacing off every which way.  But I still faced her.  And she accepted.  A couple of times that I have been to therapy, I have walked away with a strong sense of my distorted view of people.  Being that it has been confirmed over and over again, I have never had a reason to challenge it.  And she does.  Gently.  But noticeably.  Making me aware of my twisted thoughts that are as natural as breath.  Yet, I sit up and take notice.  Like when I walked out today.  I have lived with so much bad, I don't know that anything is good.  Maybe that is what is making me sad today. 


Mart the Fart said...

Midnight I really feel for you. I wish that I could hug you and make things alright for you but I know I cannot. I wish that I could make all those bad memories go away. I'm glad you had the power to say no to the therapy. I'll send you prayers. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

I'm OK Mart, thanks for your concern. I'm at a loss for words at the moment, but really I'm OK. Thanks for being there and for the prayers.

Natalie said...

So sorry for your sadness. :( Try to go easy on yourself and let time reset your inner compass. You were never given a reason to see anyone or anything as good when you were that vulnerable little girl. You're standing up for yourself and doing what feels right, that's the important part. Time and continued healing will slowly but surely let you sort out the good from the bad. I know all too well that sense of walking away with a distorted view, unsure of which way is up.

You can ALWAYS change your mind. An open door policy is a good thing. Just be gentle with you.