Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My Fortress, My Blaze

This started off as a post for the dog blog that turned into so much more.  I left all contents as is.

I have been struggling with any consistency in leash training my dog Blaze. While I'm technically not having any problems, there is a part of me that doesn't feel qualified to handle her extreme self will. I am intimated by how smart she is and haven't yet figured out how to conquer my fear of her strong independence. I am terrified of trying to break her will and spirit. It is not her giving me any hard time or acting different, it is I that can't seem to keep myself together when I try to work with her. Some days we walk along without a hitch while other days I feel like I'm dealing with a stranger's dog. She has developed this will to survive through her horrific abuse. She was never one to cower from a blow or being locked up for hours at a time. And I understand all too well that will to survive and the fear of being broken if having to bend that I project on to her. She has adapted just fine to every test I have given her. Every bit of training and behavioral reshaping while steering clear of crushing her spirit. I continue to work within her means and boundaries and limitations. Her wit is astonishing, it seems her wheels are in a constant motion that never seem to quit. I understand this all too well. I constantly feel like I'm being thrown back and forth when I am with her, never quite knowing whether I am coming or going. This is a brave example of what my husband must go through on a daily basis with me.

I have nurtured that survival force so that nothing can penetrate it, or at least I like to think so. I am constantly reworking and redesigning this wall of protection so that life can not happen to me and hurt me again like it did in my past, but no matter how hard I try I can not escape it. No matter what I will always get hurt by people, whether they meant it or not and life just keeps happening. The fridge is going to break down at some point, the house still has to be paid every month, the dogs are always going to bark, and for some reason, I just can't stop the whole world and ask to be left alone for the rest of my life. And I still can't grasp it. Not even as a concept. Protecting myself from the pain in my fortress, does not stop the fact that it is happening. As I am a master of compartmentalizing every little ounce of feeling and thought, I have thousands upon thousand of these tiny pieces in a heap in the basement so I never once have to look at them. The problem is that the basement has been full for years and now they are filling my living space and I can't get around them anymore. I can barely walk through them. So I've tried picking up a few of them, thinking if I look at them and see what they are maybe I can find a better spot for them. There is nowhere to put them anymore. How do I get rid of everything that represents my life and my ability to be here? Do I just get a shovel and start heaving them out the window or door? How do I start me over without all of this? Who am I without these piles of me to turn to in case I forget? How do I just let go of everything that kept me alive? And decided who am I? Do I sit and sift through, hoping to at least keep the good parts? Do I know enough what the good parts are? Seeing how everything in me has been completely shattered into these pieces, does that mean my will has been too? And what I thought was holding me together or should I say what I've been trying to hold together has been shattered as well? Can there really be more to life than just pain and misery? And how in the world would I ever accept it? How would I know it? Is there a way to believe in it? Trust it?

It is my will that I am so frightened of and it's power to never change. To hold on to the only the thing I know that has been there through everything, myself. And as the walls crumble and the seas crashes in, there I am left with myself. Alone in the same sea of misery and pain as when it all started with no one to call on because my every action, thought and feeling has acted as if that was my only option, because my past conditioned me to believe that way. And I have done everything in my power to continue that abusive belief. Everything I think and feel is negated by this believe and I have held onto it as my firing power to survive. Somehow my walk with Blaze tonight, broke that ice and I've come to realize how much it has been hurting me, even more than I realized.

Maybe it is time to talk. Really talk.


Tiff said...

besides just enjoying your analogies and the way you word things, i think your ability to summarize the human experience is so interesting.

inevitably, we will all have some harm done to us in our lives. your question is one i've asked myself a lot, too....what do we DO with that harm?

your revelations are inspiring to me. thank you for writing about them.

midnight rainbow said...

Thank you Tiff, you help me feel I am not so alone. If it was just that easy to "get rid of it," like the trash, but then even the trash is in a pile somewhere sitting around...