Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I have stopped self-mutilating.  This past winter, my fingernails felt like weapons, even getting above the quick, and I just kept chopping them off, so I couldn't tear at my skin.  My fingers have been healed for months.  I have even had nails on and off, but when my hands begin to feel violent to myself, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP!!    And I save myself.  Sometime in June, I stopped gnawing on inside of my cheek and lips.  I actually don't know how it happened, I just quit doing it.  That was worse than my tearing the skin off my fingers,  I was constantly chewing my inside cheeks.  They are healing as well.

It wasn't a conscious thing to stop self-mutilating.  I didn't make a decision of any kind, I was just tired of the physical pain and anxiety that was festering because of it.  I have cut my nails before when they felt like knives and I couldn't stop myself, but this was the first time I started cutting them at the source, before I could start.  I still start to pick at fingers sometimes, (I'm not a saint), but this has been the most that I have been aware of doing it and will stop myself.  That is a freaking miracle!!  Chewing on my inside cheek and lip has been a little bit more difficult.  It is a much more unconscious habit than my fingers, so I've had more slip up recently, but I am still more aware than I have ever been and doing my best to stop it.  

So here I am wondering why I am a fuck up mess when my coping skills aren't being utilized AND I am in the process of reducing my meds.  Well...DUH!!  I still can't believe I am not self harming.  Can you imagine how screwed up my brain is at the moment without abusing the crap out of myself?  It's like finally breaking from one of my abusers after all this time.  Talk about not knowing how to function!!  No wonder I feel like there is a giant hole in the back of my head!!  LOL!  My entire system has probably gone haywire not knowing what to do with itself.  Talk about starting over! My self abuse has gone on for as long as I can remember.  And I have been doing fantastic without it.  I can't begin to tell you what I have been through that I should have chewed holes through my cheek and slashed my fingers to the bone and I haven't even come close...that's just freaking fantastic!!  And we're not even talking about all of the negative messages these acts have perpetuated and victimized over and over through the years.

The first steps to really loving myself and I am finally doing just that!!  :)     



Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight, it's fantastic to read that you're beating the self harm stuff. It's a real boost to me because I often worry domination over self harm is difficult but you've proved me wrong and it's great to be wrong.

Loving yourself is a big thing to win and it is the correct road to take. Well done, achieve it for me cos I'm a 'what if' and not a successful doer.


midnight rainbow said...

Your words mean so much Mart. I never knew if I would ever reach this point or not in my life. I have gone on and off for so long, but I never thought I'd really come to the point where I meant more to myself than hurting myself. Hugs.

Tiff said...

you are a beautiful soul. and i'm glad you're finding peace.

midnight rainbow said...

Thanks Tiff, not very good with such a beautiful compliment, so I will just say thank you. :)