Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sick Hopes

I got to thinking today (I know, scary thought) and remembered a time, for about two years or more when I was so depressed and wasn't able to nap during the day, that I would wish for a flu-like illness.  Yes, I was that sick, for I would have rather taken on a case of fever, shakes, chills, and the violent explosion out each end if it meant a valid excuse to be able to sleep all day long.    I couldn't take naps because I struggle with the guilt of needing extra rest along my responsibilities that I knew I couldn't accomplish and would fail at.  It was that bad, that I would pray to be sick enough so my body and brain would shut down long enough to vacate the world for a day or two.  I would have actually rather had food poisoning or the flu because that is how heavy it was to face the day being depressed.  I wasn't asking for a lifetime disease, just a couple of days of sleep without any guilt.  I went through this wishing every day to rest my weary body and mind. 

Needless to say it never happened and I don't know when I stopped this sick wishing for sickness, but looking back makes me realize I have been getting better over the course of time.  Now, I'd still like to sleep the entire day away or even take a small nap, but I think that is a far cry and a little bit more "normal" than hoping for the flu just so I can sleep.  Yeah, I think there's some improvement there.  :)


Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight, I'm glad you recognize your improvement. It's a brilliant way to understand that what happened in the past, is still in the past and that YOU have moved forward - or improved.

Having flu would have made you feel unwell but just think yourself lucky that you cannot have MAN flu. Boy that's terrible!!



Tiff said...

You've made progress and should be proud of that. Good job. =]

midnight rainbow said...

Mart, I have to ask...what in hell is MAN flu?? Or do I want to know??

Tiff, thank you. It's amazing what a little look back can do to see how far you have really come instead of always seeing where you aren't. :)

Mart the Fart said...

Well, when women get flu they carry on working and life goes on. But when men get flu, they're done for, can't work, cook or clean, shower or shave and they have to be looked after. There's nothing in the world as bad as man flu. I guess it's a UK thing or does man flu exist in the States?

Natalie said...

I'd say there's some enormous improvement there!! :)

And as for the man flu/man cold:

Does that about sum it up Mart? ;)

midnight rainbow said...

Ah, Natalie, that was great!! Yeah, I think that about sums it up!

And Mart-it's everywhere!!

Mart the Fart said...

Wow that is brilliant. I hope all you girls out there understand how terrible man flu can be?

Midnight, sorry to use your post as a sounding board. Hugs. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

That's OK Mart, I love the company!! :)

eternalvow7 said...

Hello midnight,

I've read from a blog somewhere that depression is like a clock-work, weary job. So, I somehow can understand when you said that you opted to feel sick physically and rest your mind. I hope that you will find that respite soon.

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