Friday, August 12, 2011

Tumbling

I was talking to people.  Ideas were exploding in my head.  The energy was addictive.  I was alive and every neuron in my brain felt invigorated.  I was walking through fears that have plagued me from the beginning.  I was high on anxiety and tripping over the excitement.  I couldn't write fast enough or just enough in general. I felt like I was gripping a blazing horse whipping by the world.  And even the fear couldn't hold me down.  It was electric.

Until I began tumbling ever so gently down the mountain and didn't see what was happening, until there I was sitting and looking up and where I'd fallen from.

"What...what just happened?  What is going on?  How did I get here?  I was just up...there."  "There must be some mistake.  You can't do this to me.  I thought we were done with this game.  How could you do this to me again?"  My face frozen in shock, my body weary with defeat.  This can't be happening again.  I sit and look at that hill, determine to crawl up if I have to.  Every movement feeling broken and stiff and I crumple under the weight of trying to get back up that hill as a gentle hand holds me back.  NO!  Please don't keep me here.  The loving arms hold me while I weep in exhaustion, pain and sadness.  "It is time to be quiet and rest," the caring voice whispers.  "Take this time to mourn and breathe.  I am right here and I will not let go.  There will be time to fly again, but for now it is time to be still."

 

1 comment:

Natalie said...

This is AMAZING. You are AMAZING. Honoring where we are in any given moment is so god damn powerful...fighting against it is what gets us into trouble and causes so much pain and fear. (This is really hitting home for me recently - I was told a year ago that my reaction to my thoughts/feelings was far more harmful than my actual thoughts/feelings...it didn't make much sense then, but it sure does now.)

Rest and take care of you. You're exactly where you need to be. (And thank you so much for being you, so openly and honestly.)