Thursday, September 8, 2011

I wonder if God is angry?

A question I began to ponder while reading Emily's Adventures in Wonderland.  She had talked about reaching the anger state of her grief.  I asked her how she did that.  She replied, she borrowed someone it from someone else.

Is God angry at what my abusers did to me?  My first initial reaction to my own question is I honestly don't know.  I would like to think so, but then I am trying to put myself in God's position and can really only feel what I feel.  Which of course is nothing.  While I am angry all of the time at a thousand different things, I can't seem to pull off directing it where it needs to go.  Once in a while I hit the nail on the head, but most of the time I am swinging that hammer everywhere but.  It isn't justice I want served, I have completely left that in God's hands, but I keep finding myself on the pendulum of being angry at everything else in my life or an apathy of "what does it really matter anyways?"  Getting angry or having any feelings really will not change anything that happened or even grant justice and there becomes a sense of pointlessness to doing anything at all.

So I take all that anger, tuck it quietly to bed, wrap it up a big bow and hand it over to my husband who upon opening it gets shot in the face with it.  Over and over again.  Never being able to give it to the person who deserves it.  I keep sliding around it, jumping over it, smothering it, anything not to touch it.  Because if I touch it, I will have to feel it and face it and give it back and I don't know that I am capable of it.  I feel like if I hold all of that power, I will become undone.  I am afraid of being angry.  Terrified.  I don't want to be angry, even if it is for justifiable reason and part of the healing.  I don't feel I have any right to be.  What's done is done.  Can't go back.  Can't change a thing.  How do you grieve for something you never had?  It all seems like a bunch of malarkey to me.  Yet, it is still there, oozes out of my pores and spilling all over the place.  I just don't understand.

So to answer my own question, no, I don't think God would be angry.  He forgives and understands.  In my feeble mind there are always reasons for why people act the way they do and I can't draw any line, why would He?  


Mart the Fart said...

Brilliant piece. I never thought of this question. I like yor answer to yourself. Please can I use this piece for my meditation group?


midnight rainbow said...

Any time you want, Mart. Thanks for asking.

thecrazyrambler said...

I believe God knows anger. It is very clear in scripture that God gets angry.
We are made in His image, like Him, so whatever we feel, He felt it first. He feels ALL emotions.
In Scripture Jesus is very clear that if anything harmful is done to the little ones it would be better to have a stone hung around the neck of the one who has done the harm and be thrown in sea than to endure Gods anger...
I believe when we have been harmed / wronged - especially as children, like neglected, abused either verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually - and also as grown ups through violence, rape, bullying etc. we have a RIGHT to be angry.
We do NOT have to tolerate injustice.
Revenge, however, is a completely different issue and does no one any good.
How to express anger and let go of it... sigh, that is a question I am struggling with myself. I know the anger is there, it lashes out at the innocent. I want that to stop. So if anyone finds an answer: let me know, PWEESE!!

midnight rainbow said...

Fenny, your words are so true. I think sometimes I struggle with feeling any anger and when I do it is so out of context I can't seem to put it in it's place. I don't know why anger is so difficult.

Does anyone have an answer????

thecrazyrambler said...

Honey, I wish I had... I struggle with it just as you!! It needs to be directed at the perpetrator, insterad of ourselves. I don't believe in expressing your anger, like beating pillows as such, as research has shown it only increases your anger. I am on a journey with it, jsut like you. For now, I can only acknowledge it and attribute it. Most of the time it is not in my best interest to do something with it. Although I am thinking of drawing again...
Keep on going, midnight rainbow, keep on going! The only thing I know is that we need to keep going right through it in order to leave it behind us. And He is there right with us, even when we don't feel or believe it :-)

midnight rainbow said...

Drawing...reminds me that I haven't painted in a while...there is something about creating that's transforms the old into something new. Like a butterfly...Go with it Fenny!

The paints are coming out!