Thursday, October 27, 2011

Computer Doctor

I wrote this post in July of this year, I was so horrified by the experience I couldn't even post it at the time.  I will be seeing this doctor again in the next few weeks and I think this time with my own growth and healing, I will be better prepared for it.  It looks like this is the new wave of psychiatry.   

I had one of the most horrific psych-doc appointments I have ever had.  Not only did I have to talk to a new doctor, but I also had to talk to her through a computer screen.  My regular doctor was taking a leave of absence and they informed me of this new doctor and the video chat the day before.  It was bad enough that I had to talk to a total stranger, who wasn't part of the staff, but to top it off wasn't even physically there.  I was angry and terrified at the same time.

My defenses were already high when she started by asking my husband to leave and that she would prefer to talk to the me alone.  NO WAY IN HELL!!  After asking twice, I told her that I wanted him there, she finally conceded.  If she thought that I was going to talk to her without him in there, she was dead wrong, I wouldn't have told her anything because I would have walked out.

Five minutes later, I walked out of there with my face in knot.  My husband thought I was angry, I was containing my tears that let loose after we got out to the car.  After going there for ten years, this felt like a slap in the face.  I don't give a crap about the great technology wave, I want a real human being to talk to.  She didn't even live in the same state! I found the whole thing repulsive and perverse. It felt degrading and I felt completely devalued.  As if the world doesn't have enough illusion and delusions in it, talking to a DOCTOR through a screen took the cake.  What kind of care is that??????

Nothing but real dog here!
After my tears subsided, my husband pulled over to a small park area.  We had one of the dogs with us, so I took him for a quick stroll through it.  The only words that rang through my head, "This is REAL."  The grass, the trees, my loving dog, the water, the boats.  REAL, REAL, REAL.  I can not remember being so grateful for bringing Zappa and having him to touch and see.

There is a possibility that my doctor may not be coming back.  I am OK with that and have already factor that chance into my equation.  When I know for certain one way or the other than I will begin the changes I need to make, because I refuse to be treated like a video game.  And I'll be damn to make a 4 hour round trip to talk to a freaking computer screen!  I think the whole thing is a bunch of BS, but I will ride it out, until I know if and when my REAL doctor is coming back.

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