Saturday, October 15, 2011


So many times, I have written in my head and have failed to post.  Life is just happening quickly and my brain is following.  And I am in a thrash of learning.  Things about myself that could have never been deemed possible.  I am learning to calm my anxieties, from my dogs.  I am learning how to grasp myself before jumping in that great big black hole.  I am learning to take my day in little parts while still moving forward.  I am learning to challenge myself without a gun to head.  I am also learning how to take the vice off my head when I push myself over my own line.  I am taking a step back and really looking at situations and the reality of what they mean.  There are still many days when I feel both good feelings and bad at the same time about the same thing.  The mixing of black and white and coming to realize they are not all one or the other, they are usually both.  I am allowing myself to feel and when it passes, I move with it, instead of hanging on for dear life that I will never feel again.  That is kind of nice feeling.  I have been learning to stay in touch with my emotions, yet not let them run me over 1000 times.  Though a difficult one, I have been learning to stop and sit and let myself be tired without the nagging feeling that I will die if I do not keep going.  I have been practicing to take that time and let my mind and body rest so that I can go again.  It is one of the hardest things for me to do.  And will I still resist all of these things to some degree, I am also learning to trust and accept it.  My self-mutilation has turned into a nervous habit as I am still learning to love myself, but I have cause no pain to myself and still am aware enough to catch myself.  That is still a miracle.  I have also been learning that change isn't the creator of doom, but can also be the creator of great things.  And one the greatest things I have learned is that believing in something can make it come true, because I do not only just believe it, I am living it.     


Cathy said...

You know, I've finally learned the accelerated ups and downs for me are actually just the positives and negatives the average person thinks of when making a decision! That is so weird to me! I have to get a handle on my insecurities to keep it all in perspective. But I don't. Even when I do some idiot comes along and makes a stupid statement about what I should and should not do. Did you ever notice MDs, nurses and dentists are the worst ones at this? I can tell them I'm bipolar and they still say stuff that is born from ignorance! Being bipolar is tough enough, having someone feeding that monster is............... So we walk together and let each other know our frustrations. Everyone else can screw themselves.

midnight rainbow said...

I completely agree. It is those fluxing of good and bad that happen to all of us. Bipolar or not.

Yes, it is funny how the ones in the medical profession in this day in age with all the advances are the most ignorant. Doesn't make a lick of sense does it?