Monday, November 21, 2011

Here

I just haven't been here.  I've written post, I can't bring myself to publish.  My brain keeps fumbling around like a dryer drum with all my thoughts, feelings and words bumping around in it.  I can't seem to get past the fact of not being able to do the things I used to do.  Things I never thought twice about now hinder me.  Except on the flip side, things I never thought I'd be able to do, I am doing.  Right now it is hard to see how far I have come.  The changes I have made.  The leaps and bounds are difficult to see when I feel so paralyzed.  Today was a struggle day.  Seeing failures blowing up like a balloon in my face.

I am surviving the medication withdrawal from reducing my dosage in half.  And it plays with every part of my head and body.  I feel like I am in a constant state of understanding and not knowing what is going on.  And I go from feeling like everything is mishmash to still having a clear view.  6 months in and the withdrawal symptoms are becoming more apparent.  I feel alone and together at the same time.  And for some reason I felt the need to be here.  I keep feeling like I need to "do" something.  And as much as I feel like I don't know where I am going, I have direction.  If that makes any sense.  And maybe that is the key to everything, I am here.  I am just here.   

4 comments:

Mart the Fart said...

Hi Midnight. You've come a long way and made a tremendous move in the right direction and possibly - just possibly it may feel a little strange. That may be why your heads in a mishmash (great word by the way)so please give it time.

Some while back you mentioned how you went in and out of positive and negative but you managed to keep your thoughts controlled and held it together. Well - I needed those words and I rememebered you said them and so every time my head is in a mishmash I think of how you do it. Thanks. Mart

midnight rainbow said...

Mart, if anyone can bring a smile to my face it is you. :) Mishmash is a good word, isn't it? Glad I could help. Now if I could only follow my own advice better! Take care.

Meredith said...

Hi Midnight. I've been absent for so long and it seems that much has gone on with you. Did you visit that computer Dr. again? Is that who you are seeing now? What med have you begun withdrawal from? My hugs to you as you move through this journey.

midnight rainbow said...

Hi Meredith. I haven't been around much myself. I did visit with computer doc again, it went better knowing beforehand what it was like. It is still a play by ear thing as I'm still waiting to hear if my regular doc is coming back.

I am in the process of weaning off of Respirdol. I am taking half the dosage right now. It has been tough but for the most part worth it.

Hope you are doing well. Thanks for stopping by. Now I have to catch up with you! :)