Monday, December 5, 2011

Why Can't I Just Say It??

My comment to Meredith at Daily Bipolar post Motivation Churns, Apathy Burns:

Exactly.  This is how I have been feeling.  Like by brain is just stationary.  I have this energy that burst through and that suddenly cuts off, like unplugging a chord.  I can't figure if it is better to sit and rest, or keep pushing myself to move.  I am starving, but have appetite to eat.  My mind is in constant thought, but with little feeling.  Or it is like in the middle of heavy fog. 

I too, am committed to exercise, but moving is so very difficult.  If it wasn't for my dogs pulling me along I don't know that I could do it on my own.  

I have struggled with communicating how I have been feeling and couldn't seem to put it into any logical context.  I know it is the reduction of Respirdol, but I can't seem to explain how it feels.  Like trying to interpret what baby is thinking.  It is so abstract, like my thought and feelings are in another dimension, yet I can feel everything right here in this moment.  I feel like I am split among some intergalactic connection and sitting here in front of my computer.

Heat is almost unbearable.  It is close to 65 degrees in the house and I can't bring myself to start the wood furnace.  There have been many times that my brain feels like an inferno and I have to get outside.  If there was snow I would stick my head in it.  My sinuses are ravaging.  I used to bundle in sweats and layers of blankets for bed, now it's a nightshirt and throwing covers off.  Hot showers are a thing of the past.

I fly into mini panic attacks for what seem no reason.  I don't think there is any threat to hang Christmas lights around the window, but I find myself in a mental state of exhaustion through the process and shake with anxiety to complete what seems like such a daunting project.  And that was it, my one project for the day.  It is all my slow-mo brain can handle.  I have ideas and thoughts and words flowing in book form all day long, until I sit down and the plethora of information is so overwhelming I just stare at the screen.  I find I can only take one thought and expand on it.  I could either sit here and write non-stop or I run screaming from this thing called a computer.  And of course all of the senses are on overload.  Cloudy days are too bright.  My computer screen can bore holes in my eyes.  And light is almost too strong.  I used to blare the stero, now it is barely audible.  And my skin...every touch is too much pressure and almost painful.  Like my eyes in a constant squint.  My skin is squinting.  Cringing at every sound, sight, and touch.  I will say I have had an unnecessary craving for sweets, like I can't ever remember, because I hate sweets.  Fruits, chocolate, ice cream, cookies, but mostly fruits.  As a kid I loved them, but not as an adult.  Does this mean I am healing??  I don't know.  Considering I have no appetite to eat them.  It is hard to say.

It feels good finally digging loose all this crap going on inside of my brain.  I didn't think I would ever find the words to explain what in the hell is going on.  I can't thank you enough Meredith for cracking my skull to find this moment of peace.  And thank you again for sharing your story.  It is SO good not to be alone!!    


Natalie said...

Midnight -
This is beautiful and awesome. You are beautiful and awesome. I'm so sorry you're experiencing pain, but so happy you're experiencing breakthroughs! In my humble opinion, YES, this means you are healing!!
(I also want you to know I'm here and I'm so sorry for disappearing. Will be back to writing very soon.)
Take care of you,

midnight rainbow said...

So good to hear from you Natalie. I have missed you. I haven't been around much myself. :)

Thank you for you beautiful and awesome words. Yes there are all kinds of breakthroughs happening. Like scraping the mortar out of brick wall, there's bound to be some light on the other side. :)