My comment to Meredith at Daily Bipolar post Motivation Churns, Apathy Burns:
Exactly. This is how I have been feeling. Like by brain is just stationary. I have this energy that burst through and that suddenly cuts off, like unplugging a chord. I can't figure if it is better to sit and rest, or keep pushing myself to move. I am starving, but have appetite to eat. My mind is in constant thought, but with little feeling. Or it is like in the middle of heavy fog.
I too, am committed to exercise, but moving is so very difficult. If it wasn't for my dogs pulling me along I don't know that I could do it on my own.
I have struggled with communicating how I have been feeling and couldn't seem to put it into any logical context. I know it is the reduction of Respirdol, but I can't seem to explain how it feels. Like trying to interpret what baby is thinking. It is so abstract, like my thought and feelings are in another dimension, yet I can feel everything right here in this moment. I feel like I am split among some intergalactic connection and sitting here in front of my computer.
Heat is almost unbearable. It is close to 65 degrees in the house and I can't bring myself to start the wood furnace. There have been many times that my brain feels like an inferno and I have to get outside. If there was snow I would stick my head in it. My sinuses are ravaging. I used to bundle in sweats and layers of blankets for bed, now it's a nightshirt and throwing covers off. Hot showers are a thing of the past.
I fly into mini panic attacks for what seem no reason. I don't think there is any threat to hang Christmas lights around the window, but I find myself in a mental state of exhaustion through the process and shake with anxiety to complete what seems like such a daunting project. And that was it, my one project for the day. It is all my slow-mo brain can handle. I have ideas and thoughts and words flowing in book form all day long, until I sit down and the plethora of information is so overwhelming I just stare at the screen. I find I can only take one thought and expand on it. I could either sit here and write non-stop or I run screaming from this thing called a computer. And of course all of the senses are on overload. Cloudy days are too bright. My computer screen can bore holes in my eyes. And light is almost too strong. I used to blare the stero, now it is barely audible. And my skin...every touch is too much pressure and almost painful. Like my eyes in a constant squint. My skin is squinting. Cringing at every sound, sight, and touch. I will say I have had an unnecessary craving for sweets, like I can't ever remember, because I hate sweets. Fruits, chocolate, ice cream, cookies, but mostly fruits. As a kid I loved them, but not as an adult. Does this mean I am healing?? I don't know. Considering I have no appetite to eat them. It is hard to say.
It feels good finally digging loose all this crap going on inside of my brain. I didn't think I would ever find the words to explain what in the hell is going on. I can't thank you enough Meredith for cracking my skull to find this moment of peace. And thank you again for sharing your story. It is SO good not to be alone!!