Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Brain Wreck

I don't know what has happened, but ever since of learning about the death of person I knew, my brain has come unhinged.  What completely made sense before and the pieces were coming together has now but fallen apart.  Like stripping me down to my core.  I am angry.  Angry at the loss of control when everything was feeling so solid and complete.  I have been crying and shaking, exhausted and empty.  I am pretty sure it is a trigger and I think I have figured out what, but it is still unsettling.  My feelings are quite haywire, shooting off every which way.  I don't know know how much is really connected to the death of this person, but it has set of alarms in my head that I can't seem to shut down.  I am fighting it hard to shut it down.  I don't want to accept the possibilities and find the real cause.  I don't want to just go with the flow.  I've had a good run with being secure and stable and nothing coming up from the past again and this has made it more difficult because it is jarring me loose.  It has rattled my brain so hard I almost can't take it.  My feelings and thoughts are completely irrational and all over the map.  I'm taking it out on everyone including myself.  And I can't seem to stop it.  And I just want to stop it.  No matter how much I know I can't or that it will not help, I want all the screaming in my head to just stop!  Every time I try to let go of the past, it comes back and latches onto my brain and I can't take it.  When is this nightmare going to end??  How long do I have to live with what they did to me??  How I am ever going to get a chance to really heal when I'm a manic mess??  How do I stop this train wreck barreling through me again and again??  I'm tired.  So very tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  Curl up in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep.  Will there ever be any real peace? 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

At home and beyond

Someone I knew died a few days ago and it is just starting to hit me about how quick life can be there and over.  She was older, which doesn't make anything less, and even though you know it is inevitable, I don't think you are ever ready for it when it happens.  I technically didn't know her well, my husband spoke to her more than I did, but there was still a connection that was lost.  I can't seem to explain how I feel.  I am having trouble putting any clear thoughts on my feelings, except I feel the loss.  A void.  A little space where she once was in my head and heart. 

I feel like I'm going around in circles and I don't understand why.  There was some significance to our relationship but it was more a professional one.  I keep wanting to pull my family closer to me, to hold on to what I have and cherish it. 

There are also the earthquakes that are happening in New Zealand.  I have a friend who lives there, who is no where near it, but still brings the disaster close to home.  So much death and destruction in a matter of minutes.  Everything on shaky ground and the damage so overwhelming you wonder how there is any way to have a life again.  It is scary.  I hear the panic and pain in my friend's voice even miles from the epicenter. 

Suddenly my pain seems small and insignificant at the changes in the world around me.  How easy it is to forget that an ocean across there are so many people fighting for the world they live in.  The battle in my head fights for the same things, peace, love and hope and you realize that we all are connected trying to believe in the same things.   

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Walking in Fear

Whether it is a demon screaming from the shadows of my mind or that constant nervous twitch, fear rules my every move.  I am never without it.  It is entwined in my being.  I may push it down for a while, but it is always there feeding on my soul.  I don't know if there is a way to ever be rid of it.

I walked with my husband who was walking the dogs.  My brain was quiet.  I took notice.  I watched as what horrifies me, being in public, was enlightened as my husband walked without a care in the world.  He wasn't paranoid of every situation and lining up justifiable reasons if he were to ever be stopped, like I do out in the world.  He wasn't coming up with a valid excuse for his existence or praying to be invisible.  No, that is me.  He doesn't care that the dogs don't walk in an orderly fashion and might draw attention to himself. They were having fun together.  While I on the other hand am always waiting to be questioned for my actions and to be persecuted for being alive. 

This is how I have lived all of my life.  For twenty years I've been remembering and talking about my past with that dagger held over my heart.  Shackled and chained by these fears of speaking the truth.  But today, for one hour my mind was lifted and at peace while I walked with my husband walking the dog.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Cerebral hemorrhage

My thoughts scattered to the far reaches of my brain and refuse to come together.  Words are tossed about in my cerebral wind storms.  I swim under murky waters coming up for air and a moment of clarity.  Only to have to dive down again.  It seems to be part of my healing.  Emerging for a breath, the waterfall I'm striving for is there and I understand.  In the murkiness, there is no difference.  Many days I feel alone.  There is no comprehension.  My dogs paddle to the left and right of me, my husband in a life boat while I continue this need to heal.  I just can not always see them.  Feelings are locked away.  Everything is there and missing at the same time.  There doesn't seem to be any justice.  Keeping my ideas close, I hold on to what I have.  Afraid of losing them.  Uncertainty.  Trying to keep this journey alive in the midst of my perception of failure.  Apart and united.  Tossed and secure.  Beautiful and tarnished.  There is no going back.  Barely moving forward.  Again I understand as I carve into a future that I can not begin to know.  Holding on to the truths that will carry me on this wave.  I trust.   

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Trusting My Doctor

Have you ever went to your doctor and heard God speak through them?  It was the strangest and coolest thing yesterday.  I see my psychiatrist 4 times a year, this particular one, we are starting on our fourth year.  In the last year we have been starting to get comfortable with each other.  She was very skeptical about my husband being there, but now she has grown to trust him and relies on him for input.  I have always been weary of doctors of any kind, (one reason my husband comes) and after 5 years with the same one he retired and was referred to the one I have now.  Starting over was quite difficult, as I trusted my previous doctor enough and was comfortable with him.  So I basically kept my new one at a far arms length and only gave her the info she needed. 

Well, we went a step further yesterday.  She knows who we are now, the atmosphere is more relaxed and there is a comfortable trust among us three.  So I told her everything of my medication situation, the depression I went through and why.  I told her of our everyday struggles and she was warm and compassionate and very thoughtful. 

I can not recite the words she gave me,in fact I can't even remember them, but they were a comfort.  That's what drew me in.  She didn't chide me for cutting my own dose, though was grateful I went back on it.  I gave her a little of my background abuse and named my main abuser to her. I told her a part of my past abuse that only my husband knows about.

For once I felt a part of her.  We had direct eye contact the entire time.  At one point I ask her, if she was OK with me.  She looked me in the eyes and nodded.  We were connecting.  Her and I are finally building a trust between us.  A real trust.  I let my guard down and she understood.  It was incredible.

I felt quite comforted on the way home, until some feelings started to churn inside me.  I have never spoken with anyone outside of my husband of my abuse and who my abuser were.  It hurt a little to admit it out loud to someone else, but I am stronger for it.  I do believe my doctor has earned my trust and it was a great blessing for a 30 minute appointment.  I am still marveling at how far I have come.  :)