Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Blob

After my last post I noticed myself slipping down the slope.  A little here, a little there as I kept walking towards the bottom.  Not stopping it, not fighting it, just letting gravity tug at me.  I don't know if this is progress or not, I am just letting the wave wash over me.  Other times I am restless with no where to run.  My mind is bouncing ideas around like a ping pong in an empty room.  There is fear and relief grappling with each other.  There is hope and anxiety wrestling on the floor.  And there is a tug-of-war of perfection and being myself that is pulling me to pieces.  I can't make a choice between either of them to stick long enough.  There is so much evidence and longevity that is against me it is difficult for me to say what is the truth.  Years of lies that have made themselves honest.  It is like having a sliver of wood and trying to build a house with it.  It feels impossible.

I can't seem to hang on to the truth long enough to make it stick.  As my situations change through the day, so does my beliefs about these lies and truths.  They continually fluctuate like blob in my brain.  Shifting with the way of the tide.  Sliding out of my hand as I try to take hold of it.  Every move or thought I make, changes the blob's movement.  It is slick and slimy, there is nothing concrete about it and just when I think, I have it and all the movement has stopped, it slithers out of my fingers, making me question everything once again.  I don't know what to believe about myself and this world around me.  I have so many questions and not enough answers.  My healing has brought up these conflicts because there is something to me.  I am not invisible anymore.  Not only do I matter, but I am matter.  I actually exist.  I just don't know how to believe in who I am.  Trying to stand like a calf on wobbly legs...  and the blob keeps on rolling.    

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Fresh Start

I find the weather metaphoric with my life.  Grey clouds have hung for a week or more that I could hit my head on.  After I finally woke up, I realized the sun was shining and something in me just burst open.  For months my only goal was to get the dishes done every night.  Today I started to just clean the whole kitchen, laundry, it was like the greatest feeling in the world!  I don't even know how it happened.  I started picking up all the plastic pieces chewed up by the dogs on the floor, next thing I know I moving and cleaning furniture and starting up the vacuum.  It was like I'd been sleep walking for the last few months and finally woke up.  I haven't kept a 'to do' list all winter, but I've got half a page of one now.  It was colder than hell outside, but I still was able to work on some chores that I've been wanting to get to once the snow was gone.  I wasn't anxious and shooting to the stars, I just felt good.  It's been a while since I just felt good.  I stopped in between taking time with the dogs to just be with them and enjoy their company.  I've learnt from them that just being together is sometimes all you need.  They entertained me with their antics or rested next to me.  I watched the trees in the backyard while lying on the bed, noticing their height, their bare branches, and the differences between them.  So many times I'm hearing the chorus of Paul McCartney's song, 'Let It Be' run through my head, like a note to self.  It doesn't take much for me to feel guilty about things, especially the dogs.  Having so many it is easy to run out of time, but when I take the time for myself, I have more for them.  It is all a slow process I am learning, but it is a great feeling.  Maybe I'm worth loving myself after all.  :) 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


While a friend ranted about circumstances being out of her control.  I shut down.  I literally shut down.  It wasn't so much the force that was directed my way by her rant, or the fact that I felt like I was in a vice as she went round and round the same thing.  It was having to shut down that hurt me more than anything.  It was painful.  In fact in took me until the next morning to actually figure that out as it took that long to open back up and feel safe again.  It was not a pleasant feeling and I found I didn't like it. 

I do it on some level almost all of the time, it is almost unconscious, like being in public or uncomfortable situations that involve people.  This time I was fully conscious and felt the lights go off the second I walked in the door.  I was also present through this entire rant, if that makes any sense.  Later in the evening after I'd been home and was ready for bed, I went outside just to breathe.  To feel the cold air on my skin and hug my dog who stayed rather close.  That's when it struck me how free I was.  To not be caught in that vicious downward spiral and have to live with such constrictions.  I've come a long way from where I've been.  It was a good reminder. 

My husband asked me several times throughout our evening, what I was feeling and thinking.  I couldn't give him a answer, except what had happen, until this morning and I awoke in tears.  It had everything to do with shutting down.  I have lived many years, in that blank, empty stare, numb to everything and now it was painful to retreat to that place of death.  It was extremely painful and I didn't like it at all.  I was actually scared of it. 

There is nothing more in the world than feeling and living fully.  Even when I am depressed I don't shut down to that extreme.  The experience caught me off guard.  Even as it was happening, I couldn't seem to stop it.  I know I keep saying this, but I didn't like it.  It felt horrible.  What is a protective measure for me was painful and awful and kept me locked until the next day.  The pressure to survive an attack that had nothing to do with me was intense, as intense as the situation. 

I still have a long ways to go in learning to cope and finding new methods, but I know I want to find an alternative to shutting down so hard.  It will take time and guts but I think I have it in me to search for other means to protect my mind.  For now, I am immensely relieved that it is over and that I am free to talk about it.  And that feels pretty damn good.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Spring Fever

I find myself in a very fragile state and yet I am secure and comforted.  My past abuse took a turn for the worst in the springtime and it is still my most difficult time of year.  Anxiety and fears rip through me, usually sending me into obscure manias.  Intense manias where it seems every sensory cell on my body is magnified.  I become overwhelmed by the slightest touch, even if it is just the wind.  My eyes have felt like they are wired open while any sounds feel like thunder in an enclosed room.  I become feverishly hot and chilled at the same time making me want to jump out of my own skin.

If I walk outside, I feel a sense of vulnerability and exposure as if I am running naked with an open wound through my chest.  I relive the abuse through my senses and mind as if I am running into a war zone.  I am sensitive to everything I touch, feel and think.

There is no question of why.  I have all the info from my abuse to know what is happening now, it is taking those baby steps to protect my inner most self that I need to take care of me.  Simple steps that I learned in the hospital.  Take your meds, eat three meals a day, exercise, and most important TALK.  I had another purging with my husband as the weight of my world had taken me to a dark place.  Spring has always been a crucial point whether I would end up in the hospital or not.  Instead I am setting up my own safe haven in my home.  Where I am protected and safe and feel I have the best chance of going through this battle that is about to bestow on me.  I feel more prepared than I have in the past as the healing of the truth has helped lessen my 'spring symptoms.'  I am not alone, my husband and my protective dogs will help me in my fight.  I have lower my expectations of what I will accomplish for the next few months and I am looking at this as if I have an injury and need the time to rehabilitate myself.  I am trying to stay conscious within my own mind for the earliest triggers and then exposing them before they roll out of control and I become it's victim.  I've have been learning that prevention is key.  It is much easier to pick up a stone and throw it, than trying to stop a rolling boulder ready to plow you down.  Right now the key to my success is centering on me and what I need to do for myself, not anyone else.  Whatever that means for me to do.  Taking every little bit as it comes and not doing it alone.  I haven't come this far to go back.  I believe I can do this with help.  I believe with everything in me that I can make it through this time period and come through on the other side.  I have already begun the journey. I want to know what it is like to be kind and compassionate to myself.  Words that have stuck in my head.  Thanks Natalie.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm angry.  Red hot mad.  I can feel the anger stewing in my gut.  I've been in a zombie state the past few days.  So numbed out I can't even think and now I can feel the fuel beginning to burn.  I don't know what to do with it.  The churning whirpool is stirring up EVERYTHING that I haven't dealt with yet.  There is only one thing my depression can be at this point and that is supressed anger.  

I still don't know what to do with it.  I am scared of the hate I hold onto that has come from those that tortured me.  I am also tired of playing nice with them.  Forgive and forget.  BULLSHIT!!  All a bunch of fucking bullshit.  I am sick of understanding why they did what they did.  I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of trying to let go of it and denying myself what I deserve.  To be enraged at what they did.  And yet I keep tripping over this part.  I keep avoiding the obvious.  Not trusting what anger could do.  So I let it sit and stir and for what??  To give them the benefit of the doubt??  I went through bloody HELL and I keep acting like I deserved it.  When the fuck I am going get real??

And what the fuck I am going to do about it?? 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Breaking It All Down

Have you ever heard of Tom Wotton?  He explores changing our thinking and well being about being bipolar.  I must have commented once on his blog Bipolar Advantage at PsychCentral because he sends me an email when he has written another post.  He has just started another blog on Psychology Today. (here)  He also has a few books about the subject. 

I have found my past year of being bipolar very different from those before.  I find myself at a crossroads and needing direction.  Letting go of my abusive past has exhausted all my energy and I am rather depleted.  I am struggling to maintain.  I remember being more active and happier before I quit taking antidepressants and find myself wanting to go back on them.  The depression I feel is just under the line and honestly I don't want to go back to taking any more meds, but I am struggling with finding an alternative and I can't seem to do it on my own anymore. 

One thing I discovered today was that I need to relearn how to do things that I used to do.  Being a recovering addict, I know that learning how to do things without a drink or drug in my hand can be quite overwhelming, scary and challenging.  Remembering everything about my past has also taken up most of my time and life and I am learning all over again what it means to function through the day without letting my past rent space in my head and following old behaviors.  Without having the extremes of mania and depression wrecking havoc on my daily life, I suddenly have a ton a free time that I don't know what to do with and find it difficult to get started and focus on one thing.  I have been so used to being almost incapable to doing things, that when I find something to do, I begin to shut down. You would think that having this extra time and space in my mind, it would be easy to fill it up, but I find I go into lock down mode, paralyzed with how to make that first step.  I still have this crushing weight that I can't seem to begin to break down and I am exhausted carrying it around. 

I am at a point I have never been at and never expected to reach.  I don't know how to cope with it.  I'm still waiting for the bomb to drop.  There have been moments when I have reached past this deadlock and felt the sky and warm air, but most of the time I shelter myself out of habit and fear.  I am at a stuck point and trying to figure out of to take that next step. 

When I read Tom Wotton's blog article today and it made me realize that I need extra help through these next phases of my life and even though I don't know what that means, acknowledging it is a good start.  I'm at a point that I've admitted I needed help in these areas of my life, because I am clueless with what to do from here.  I will even have to break down and ask for my husband's help.  I've gone as far as I can and now it is time to let go of the reins and let him guide me.  Lord, help me!  :)    

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I am here amongst the ruins of my past.  The abuse that destroyed my life.  So much of the time I see damage.  So much damage and I wonder how I will ever survive this.  The scraps of this disaster surround me for as far as the eye can see.  Sometimes I wander in shock, stunned at all the destruction.  Most days though I sit unable to move.  The force that pushed through me for recovery of these memories has faded away.  I hide my head.  It is too much to look at all at once.  How can anyone survive this aftermath?  My head and body are weary from the journey.  I am overwhelmed as I stare at the pieces of my life.  The lies and deceptions.  The pain and torture.  Too much to bear.  I don't know what to do.  I don't where to go.  There is no little voice giving me direction.  And so I sit amongst the ruins of my life, defeated.

Hanging my head, crushed by the weight of my past, there at my feet, I notice something through my blurred eyes.  A piece of goodness.  A tiny fragment that made life bearable.  I pick it up and hang on to it.  I believe in it.  It's power outweighing all of that around me.  Something that means nothing to anyone else, but is precious to me.  And it suddenly means everything.  Like a beacon of sunshine piercing the darkness.  There is hope. 

Then I find another one.  This can't be happening.  Pieces of love that are smaller than a pebble, but mightier than a mountain.  The same pieces that helped me through before I am finding again to help me now.  Somewhere buried in my rubble of my past there is love and happiness. 

That's when I lift my head and look at all of the damage and realize, the worst is over.  It is over.  Everything that happened to me is over.  It won't happen again.  Scanning the destruction, I realize this is my life and I am OK with that.