Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Confucius say...

A wise man said to me today...Your past is not your problem.

Don't tell him I said that, I have to live with the guy.
And I suddenly agreed.  (which was a million to one shot)

My past is not my problem to fix or change or try to make right. 

Which then suddenly shrunk my past down to nothing. 

A Perspective that finally put my past in it's place. 

And I had a great day kicking that little pebble around!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I wonder if God is angry?

A question I began to ponder while reading Emily's Adventures in Wonderland.  She had talked about reaching the anger state of her grief.  I asked her how she did that.  She replied, she borrowed someone it from someone else.

Is God angry at what my abusers did to me?  My first initial reaction to my own question is I honestly don't know.  I would like to think so, but then I am trying to put myself in God's position and can really only feel what I feel.  Which of course is nothing.  While I am angry all of the time at a thousand different things, I can't seem to pull off directing it where it needs to go.  Once in a while I hit the nail on the head, but most of the time I am swinging that hammer everywhere but.  It isn't justice I want served, I have completely left that in God's hands, but I keep finding myself on the pendulum of being angry at everything else in my life or an apathy of "what does it really matter anyways?"  Getting angry or having any feelings really will not change anything that happened or even grant justice and there becomes a sense of pointlessness to doing anything at all.

So I take all that anger, tuck it quietly to bed, wrap it up a big bow and hand it over to my husband who upon opening it gets shot in the face with it.  Over and over again.  Never being able to give it to the person who deserves it.  I keep sliding around it, jumping over it, smothering it, anything not to touch it.  Because if I touch it, I will have to feel it and face it and give it back and I don't know that I am capable of it.  I feel like if I hold all of that power, I will become undone.  I am afraid of being angry.  Terrified.  I don't want to be angry, even if it is for justifiable reason and part of the healing.  I don't feel I have any right to be.  What's done is done.  Can't go back.  Can't change a thing.  How do you grieve for something you never had?  It all seems like a bunch of malarkey to me.  Yet, it is still there, oozes out of my pores and spilling all over the place.  I just don't understand.

So to answer my own question, no, I don't think God would be angry.  He forgives and understands.  In my feeble mind there are always reasons for why people act the way they do and I can't draw any line, why would He?  

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

When I was diagnosed with bipolar and I saw my first doctor outside of the hospital, he told me the reason I was bipolar was because I had a chemical imbalance.  I remember the amount of relief that washed over me.  For the first time in my life, something wasn't my fault.  I didn't have to take on a new blame or responsibility for my brain being such a mess.

For all of the bizarre thoughts and feelings I'd been having I was so comforted by the knowledge that I didn't cause my disorder.  There is a ton of controversy about the cause of being bipolar and a cure for it.  Many argue quite strongly that a "chemical imbalance" isn't a good enough answer.  There are deep discussions about the lies we are being told or how we are being mislead.  I have never felt that way.   For some reason, the simplicity of having a chemical imbalance, makes all the difference for me and has had no bearing on my recovery. Twenty some years later and I'm still OK with that answer because it makes sense to me.