Thursday, October 27, 2011

Computer Doctor

I wrote this post in July of this year, I was so horrified by the experience I couldn't even post it at the time.  I will be seeing this doctor again in the next few weeks and I think this time with my own growth and healing, I will be better prepared for it.  It looks like this is the new wave of psychiatry.   

I had one of the most horrific psych-doc appointments I have ever had.  Not only did I have to talk to a new doctor, but I also had to talk to her through a computer screen.  My regular doctor was taking a leave of absence and they informed me of this new doctor and the video chat the day before.  It was bad enough that I had to talk to a total stranger, who wasn't part of the staff, but to top it off wasn't even physically there.  I was angry and terrified at the same time.

My defenses were already high when she started by asking my husband to leave and that she would prefer to talk to the me alone.  NO WAY IN HELL!!  After asking twice, I told her that I wanted him there, she finally conceded.  If she thought that I was going to talk to her without him in there, she was dead wrong, I wouldn't have told her anything because I would have walked out.

Five minutes later, I walked out of there with my face in knot.  My husband thought I was angry, I was containing my tears that let loose after we got out to the car.  After going there for ten years, this felt like a slap in the face.  I don't give a crap about the great technology wave, I want a real human being to talk to.  She didn't even live in the same state! I found the whole thing repulsive and perverse. It felt degrading and I felt completely devalued.  As if the world doesn't have enough illusion and delusions in it, talking to a DOCTOR through a screen took the cake.  What kind of care is that??????

Nothing but real dog here!
After my tears subsided, my husband pulled over to a small park area.  We had one of the dogs with us, so I took him for a quick stroll through it.  The only words that rang through my head, "This is REAL."  The grass, the trees, my loving dog, the water, the boats.  REAL, REAL, REAL.  I can not remember being so grateful for bringing Zappa and having him to touch and see.

There is a possibility that my doctor may not be coming back.  I am OK with that and have already factor that chance into my equation.  When I know for certain one way or the other than I will begin the changes I need to make, because I refuse to be treated like a video game.  And I'll be damn to make a 4 hour round trip to talk to a freaking computer screen!  I think the whole thing is a bunch of BS, but I will ride it out, until I know if and when my REAL doctor is coming back.

Saturday, October 15, 2011


So many times, I have written in my head and have failed to post.  Life is just happening quickly and my brain is following.  And I am in a thrash of learning.  Things about myself that could have never been deemed possible.  I am learning to calm my anxieties, from my dogs.  I am learning how to grasp myself before jumping in that great big black hole.  I am learning to take my day in little parts while still moving forward.  I am learning to challenge myself without a gun to head.  I am also learning how to take the vice off my head when I push myself over my own line.  I am taking a step back and really looking at situations and the reality of what they mean.  There are still many days when I feel both good feelings and bad at the same time about the same thing.  The mixing of black and white and coming to realize they are not all one or the other, they are usually both.  I am allowing myself to feel and when it passes, I move with it, instead of hanging on for dear life that I will never feel again.  That is kind of nice feeling.  I have been learning to stay in touch with my emotions, yet not let them run me over 1000 times.  Though a difficult one, I have been learning to stop and sit and let myself be tired without the nagging feeling that I will die if I do not keep going.  I have been practicing to take that time and let my mind and body rest so that I can go again.  It is one of the hardest things for me to do.  And will I still resist all of these things to some degree, I am also learning to trust and accept it.  My self-mutilation has turned into a nervous habit as I am still learning to love myself, but I have cause no pain to myself and still am aware enough to catch myself.  That is still a miracle.  I have also been learning that change isn't the creator of doom, but can also be the creator of great things.  And one the greatest things I have learned is that believing in something can make it come true, because I do not only just believe it, I am living it.     

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This moment

For three weeks my life suddenly came all together.  I took full advantage of this hypo manic state.  And when I left a friend's house feeling more empty than I was when I got there, I knew it was coming.  I'd been waiting for it, here was the opening, and I took it.  And I rode that long, sad depression like I was surfing it.  And I didn't care.  If I was going down, I was going all the way.  And I did, I took it as far as I could and then I got on with my life again. 

Well, I'm there again.  I am there in the depths of sorrow and pain and I don't even know where it is coming from.  And I am grabbing it like a lifeline and sliding down pole.  I don't have the energy to fight or change, I am just accepting it.  Same as I did the good feelings and energy.  And if I want to cry for the tragedy in my life and belt out my pain, then more power to me.  It's being able to let go and let it be what it is.  And when I acknowledge that pain, it will wear itself out as well.  Because life isn't about being all the time happy and positive.  That's not reality.  People hurt.  Life hurts.  I am hurting.  And I am giving myself the permission to hurt and that helps it not last forever.  That's where I am at, at this moment in time until the next one comes along and I will be somewhere else. 

And for some reason I just had to say that. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Putting the .45 back in it's holster

I had this awesome moment today with my dog Chance.  I rushed too quickly with getting him used to a harness, a dog that took me over a year to be able to brush without him flinching.  He doesn't like foreign objects on his skin.  I didn't give him any time to get used to this contraption that cradles his chest and runs the length of his back.  I was too much in a hurry to get him used to dog sledding and didn't give him hardly any time to adjust to this awful thing on his body.  Chance is a puppy from our litter that was returned to us quite abused.  While he was always fine when he was running and pulling a sled, he never got used to the harness.  In fact he doesn't like it at all.  If anyone should know, I should know what it is like to be put in a position you are uncomfortable and not being able to ask for help.  But he was telling me and for some reason I missed or ignored the signs.  A couple of weeks ago, I got the harness out, he let me put it on him, put he fought with a rising anxiety and I finally became aware, this was just too much for this pup.

Here's the part I find amazing-for one, I recognize I made a mistake.  And for some reason I am rather at ease at knowing that.  Which is minding blowing in itself.  Two, I am very aware of where my mind was at these last couple of years and I am actually forgiving myself instead of beating the crap out of myself.  For some reason I was quite ignorant of Chance's reaction because he masked it very well.  i.e. always letting me put harness on and pulling with ease.  I also thought these two facts alone would help him work out his issues with the harness by themselves.  I was wrong.  And for some reason I am OK with being wrong.  And Three, the big one, I am just going to start over, from the beginning with him by taking my time and gradually get him accumulated to the harness as he is comfortable with it.  We may not even get to go sledding this winter.  I'm OK with that.  In fact, I am more than OK.  It takes a ton of pressure and weight off of me to try to "perform and get everything perfect."  For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I have time to do just about anything I want.  There is no clock ticking or deadline since I just dog sled for fun.  My entire being just sighs in relief at not putting myself in that timeline vice, and "this winter or else" mode of thinking.  I have plenty of time to work with Chance and I will give him all the time and space he needs to learn to love the harness and what it represents.  And if for some reason he never gets that far, that OK too.  His mental and emotional well being is far too precious than watching him be miserable.  And so is mine.  It's not worth it. (can you hear the light bulbs snapping on??  I think I may need my sunglasses!!  lol) 

Whether I believe in time or not, I have witnessed miracles occur because of time alone.  After living in a pressure cooker for so many years and trying to be perfect at everything right now because everything was under such life and death decisions, I am beginning to feel the tension loosen in my wrenched brain and body.  I am beginning to understand I have choices and that I can choose what I want and need without that .45 pointed in my face.  And heaven forbid, if I died tomorrow, I would die in the comfort and peace of knowing I released that tension off of Chance and never once blamed myself for being a horrible, awful person who didn't deserve to live anyways.  And that my friends, is the best feeling I could ever ask for.