Here

I just haven't been here.  I've written post, I can't bring myself to publish.  My brain keeps fumbling around like a dryer drum with all my thoughts, feelings and words bumping around in it.  I can't seem to get past the fact of not being able to do the things I used to do.  Things I never thought twice about now hinder me.  Except on the flip side, things I never thought I'd be able to do, I am doing.  Right now it is hard to see how far I have come.  The changes I have made.  The leaps and bounds are difficult to see when I feel so paralyzed.  Today was a struggle day.  Seeing failures blowing up like a balloon in my face.

I am surviving the medication withdrawal from reducing my dosage in half.  And it plays with every part of my head and body.  I feel like I am in a constant state of understanding and not knowing what is going on.  And I go from feeling like everything is mishmash to still having a clear view.  6 months in and the withdrawal symptoms are becoming more apparent.  I feel alone and together at the same time.  And for some reason I felt the need to be here.  I keep feeling like I need to "do" something.  And as much as I feel like I don't know where I am going, I have direction.  If that makes any sense.  And maybe that is the key to everything, I am here.  I am just here.   

It's just ...everything

I can't begin the pinpoint when everything seem to unravel in my little world.  It was this and then that and then it began to snowball and take on a life of it's own.  And I was bowled over with no way of stopping it.  Many things that were out of my control and really have nothing to do with my tiny little bubble have cause a domino effect exploding inside of me.  Taking over my brain and body as I have been suddenly flooded with emotions that won't stop. 

For months I felt little as my analytical mind took over.  I was caught up in theories and behaviors, while being happy and anxious.  I struggled with what I was feeling, because I wasn't on an emotional roller coaster to guide me.  For the most part, I was doing OK with it, other times when trying to express a feeling, I had nothing.  Like they were all pack away in box way up on the shelf that I could never seem to find.  I'd like to know who took that fucking box down and spilled everything all over the floor.  Like a million pieces of paper stuck in syrup I can't seem to pick up my feelings.  And for some reason I can't figure out what is happening to me.  The more I try to fight it, the more I become stuck as well.  And my brain can not comprehend.  I am losing the fight as I crumble in the syrup/paper mess, not knowing how I will get out of this.  Not even sure if I care.  But hoping that surrender is the answer.