Monday, March 19, 2012

I need meds

During my mania, I felt my like brain was stripped down raw.  I had a fear I was never coming back and I was horrified of living my life in my head that way forever.  Being at home, instead of in a hospital, things move at a different pace and the reality of the effect I was having on my family was poignant when my husband said those magic words:  When's the last time you took your meds?

I remember the relief that shot though my spine and the hope when he said that.  The hope that there was an answer and a way out of this scathed environment.  I wanted to down the whole bottle to get better faster being that I was in the hallows of every paranoia and fear that I had and it had been days since I'd slept.  We played a little doctor to get my levels safely up until I began to stabilize after a day or two.  Since I hadn't stopped my meds all together, just had reduced them, it didn't take very long to begin to even out.  And being that during this mania I had went through a sort of cleansing of my body, when I went back to taking my meds it was easy to feel that I needed them.  If that makes any sense.

I need meds.  It is just that simple.  The extremes of my experience warrant that right now.  And I'm tired of trying to make it different.  Yes, it is a dream to be med free some day, but I don't have to do it all right now and if it doesn't happen, I'm OK with that.  This last mania was a good proving point.  I'm tired of thinking that meds are so evil and awful and part of the cooperate big shots money making machine.  What product isn't?  I have found two medications that work for me and help in my sanity, well being and I could bow in grateful tears every day being able to have my wrenched brain back in my hands again.  So certain I had lost it forever.  If it takes a pill to do that, I am all for it.  I don't ever want to feel that way again and not know if I will ever be able to come back.  Doesn't matter if it doesn't work for anyone else or not, all I know is that is works for me and realizing I'm the one who must take care of me.  I'm not promoting anything except what works for me and the life lesson I had to go through to find out.  My brain is precious to me, saved me through many horrors in my life and the last thing I want to do is harm it further.   And I am grateful for the meds that allow me not to do that.  And for this wrenched brain that is a beautiful blessing.  

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