Friday, March 16, 2012

I'll meet ya at the Moon

I went into a full blown mania last week.  Not one of my casual throw around terms, this one was had the skyrocketing to the moon and back feeling, clinging with paranoia and anxiety and more happiness than one person should have to experience in such a small time frame only to lose it again; only to find myself gripped with fear that was swallowing me whole.  I was already half way into the experience before either my husband or I even knew what was going on.  I'd felt it coming for some time, but didn't realize that I was hanging over the edge of it. 

Besides the reduction in meds, I was hit hard by the past, present and future all at once.  All that were to create a lasting change I couldn't cope with.  Back in Oct of last year, three dogs from the blog world I follow rather intently, died.  I took all of them rather hard, although I never understood why.  It wasn't until coming down from this mania that I remembered that these deaths occurred during the anniversary of my cat that was five years ago.  This cat was like my female twin and I didn't even realize I was still hanging on to her so tightly.  She had been through every part of my life and all of the hell that entailed and we had a sort of ESP, always knowing what the other was thinking.  I never properly grieved for her as I got another kitten right away and clung to the idea that she was still with me through this new kitten.

If all that wasn't hard enough, a puppy from our litter whom we haven't seen since he was 6 months old, came back into our lives for a brief moment.  The owners were thinking of giving him back to us, which was the straw that broke my mental back.  I could not handle the thought of such an emotional and physical upheaval and was scared out of mind.  This after also learning this dog had taken a bullet that was literally an inch from his heart and jugular and the fear that we might not have ever seen him again.  When we got the call from the owners, it was more than I could bare and I began to unravel at lightning speed.

Couple all of this with the worst time of the year for me.  It didn't take long to be zooming in every direction.  Since I wasn't suicidal or homicidal, I wouldn't be considered for admission and I had no desire to go to the hospital.  I needed to be in the safety of my home so that I could ride this out with as much love as possible.  And that meant my husband and the dogs and the rest of our animals.  Going through my mania put our marriage to a test neither of us realized was coming.  We actually grew stronger in ourselves and each other going through the experience together.  And if you can believe it or not, the dogs as well.  Not that I'm recommending anyone do this, but I needed the help that only our little family could give.  And while I hope to never do it again, if I had to I would do it again at home.

So as of now, I went back to my current dose of Respirdol and have kept everything the same.  BTW, I never quit taking my meds, not before,during or after this mania.  I missed a couple of doses but stayed right on them.  Before I've always been off meds for over a year before going into a full blown mania.  Then when I put the pieces back together, is when it dawned on me that when those blogging dogs died, it tore open a fresh wound that I couldn't close.  And death has always been rather difficult me to handle and three in row was pretty extreme.  It still taking some time dealing with the paranoia, but each day gets better and better.  And I can't thank my husband enough for just being there all the way through it with me.  What a difference that made.  And my patient dogs who took everything in stride, were so wonderful and loving and were able to come together for the sake of love.  I think I have the best family in the world and I dare say they think the same of me.  :) 

2 comments:

Mart the Fart said...

Wow Midnight what an incredibly emotional time you've been through. Sometimes things are going straight and then bam everything happens at once and this certainly happened to you. I'm pleased you found the love you needed to get you over this and those dogs are just wonderful.

Thanks for sharing this.

Love & hugs

Mart

midnight rainbow said...

Thanks for being there Mart. :)

Love ya